A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do. Me and my partner have agreed we have a very strong emotional connection and love, but not sexually. At the start of our relationship it was great! He wa really into me and we'd have sex twice in the same moring sometimes! He was really keen and had me in different possitions and I loved it!Then something changed. He told me one evening that he dreads having sex with me! This was news to me and very hurtful and confusing. I believe this was because I cannot orgasm through penetration, ie this hasn't happened yet, but I really enjoy sex, am totally up for it and want to keep experimenting until I one day have an orgasm during sex.But since about 6 months in his desire for sex has gone. He says he has little interest in it, he has had lots in his life and doesn't feel the need like he used to. If I pick the wrong moment to try to initiate sex he will get angry and lecture me. Last night we were out drinking and I was feeling frisky when we got home and tried to get intimate with him, he was furious that I was "groping" him. I havn't seen the guy for 7 weeks as I've been away, and the 2nd night back he's pushing me away. I've been dying for his touch and already he's had enough after having sex once. We've been together 2.5 years and it's been like this the last 2. I feel like "something" happened to put him off, maybe the orgasm thing and no matter how I try to explain that I love sex and want to work at it with him so we can have a good sex life, he seems to just want to avoid the whole issue and have sex the minimum to stop me pestering him. This can be once a week or once a fortnight. I would like sex every other day, sometimes I'd like to have sex all night. I don't mind waiting a few days but when we've not seen each other for a while, I'm dying for it! He's not!I am a strong woman. I love him and what we have. He is a very special person but I have a lot of passion and sexuality to give. Heck I want to try everything! Sex outdoors, different positions, bondage, you name it! I always thought in a long term loving relationship that you could explore sexuality together. I thought he was the one I could do this with. But it seems he's done it all and I just ain't doing it for him.Maybe my sexual openess is a turn off? Ultimatly this issue is corroding my love for him. In general he seems less bothered about being intimate with me or spending time being with me. But he is the one who is most sure about the relationship. He wants me to move in with him after I finish my studies. But I'm really not sure. I don't want to be with a man who ignores me to play computer games with his friends every spare moment and who makes me feel like a pervert and like there is something wrong with me for wanting to have sex with him!But on the other hand we have such a strong bond and we do understand each other and I am emotionally enmeshed with him. I am not the type to give up on a relationship. I am very loyal and faithful and I keep staying with him and hope it will get better. But I just seem to keep doing the wrong thing in bed. I try to play with his penis to turn him on and he says he doesn't like people groping him. I'm his girlfriend. We should be so close that he likes me touching him. I do also feel our sexual connection wasn't that strong. Like it feels awkward sometimes. Sometimes it is super sexy but for example, kissing with tongues used to be really awkward. Like we would be out of sync. But the first time we had sex 2 days ago, the kissing was great. So I just don't know what the problem is. I am very sexually giving and would never turn him down. Sex is a big part of relationships so I cannot understand his point of view. I feel so very hurt and just don't know what to do.I have had a lot of male attention and some female actually lol, when I've been out recently. So I know I am a sexy woman. It just hurts that the sex is such a difficult issue in our relationship. I now feel very resentful and don't know how to let go of this and move on. I am not ready to leave but I have been thinking of leaving so I detach emotionally from him to stop the hurt I feel. It feels better to feel resentment and anger towards him than it does to feel the hurt and rejection, it's like self protection. But being angry with him is not going to help matters. But I'm just so scared to let myself be close to him and fall for him again as I don't want to feel dependant on him for my happiness. I don't want to be close to him when I feel he just treats me badly and ignores my needs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I will and it breaks my heart because I know I truly do love this man and he loves me. But I'm 25 now and there is so much sexually I want to try. I know I won't be young and fit and bold enough to do these things forever. But I knew he was a lot older than I(15 years) when I got with him. It was just that he was so completly wonderful and fascinating and unbelievably sexy that I knew I just had to be with him. And I still feel that way after 3 years yet our love has softened and we are gently growing closer and growing together slowly.
Perhaps sex is just not how I imagine it "should" be in my mind. I spend so much time anticipating it as I wait the weeks between our time together. I expect so much from our encounters and want to be swinging from chandeliers. Perhaps real life is just not supposed to be how it is in my fantasies?
I want to say also, please don't tell me largentsgirl89 "In the 2.5 years you have been together you have never had an orgasm with him? I'm sure that plays quite a large part in why he doesn't look forward to sex with you because that is a serious blow to a man's ego." This makes me feel guilty and ashamed of something I have NO control over. If YOU can orgasm at will then you are very lucky. I hear it is not the norm and only 30% of women can do this. I already feel terrible about this and so much of the time I feel the focus is on my orgasm. Afterwards he asks if it happened and I feel so hopeless about this. I cannot give him the answer he wants to hear. I feel like less of a woman because of this.
As well as this he has once told me that if I was like past girlfriends of his, who were easy to please, that he would look forward to sex more. Can you possibly imagine how much this breaks my heart? This man I love more than anything and crave like oxygen. That it is my fault that our sex life is such a complicated mess of resentment and avoidence and disinterest. It is out of my control. It is so hard for me to orgasm with him even when I masturbate next to him. Can you imagine how it hurts to think that he must have had so much more fun and better sex with past girlfriends who were able to just have an orgasm from oral sex, when I can't get anything from oral?
Actually, it did get better since I posted. We did have some great sex and he actually suggested that I masturbate afterwards so I could have an orgasm and he held me while I did it. In the past I have asked if I could do this and he would just turn the other way in bed and I would feel ashamed and alienated from him. I can understand how difficult it must have been for him. But I saw that the way to get through the issue would be to have more sex, so that I could become comfortable enough and learn how to orgasm with him. But I can see that he might have just taken it personally and possibly felt defeated.
I just hope and pray we can move past this and share the wonderful, fulfilling, healthy, rich, vibrant, ideal, sex life we deserve and that it will work to bring us closer and afirm our love for each other, and that it will bring us closer and closer, to greater and greater hights of understanding and joy. The way a sexual life between a couple who really love each other for who the other person is no matter what. We have this understanding so I believe we can have the physical and spiritual sexual intimacy that this true love should bring. I believe this is just a barrier which we must overcome and learn from and when we work it out we will be much stronger for it and we will look back and think why did we make it so difficult. I believe we can and will get through this. We deserve to experience the wonderful joy sexually and emotionally that I carry in my being and am ready and longing to share. I am ready to live my life and cast off the restraints I've built around me and I want to help him work through and cast off his because I love him.
Wow I don't know where that came from! I'm feeling seriousy gushy today! It's quite exciting really :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): No there is nothing wrong with you.
But there is an issue with him that he is not being forthright about. Maybe it is just that he has a low sex drive.
In fact, you practically sound perfect. You have a sexy healthy appetite WHEN IN A RELATIONSHIP.
But if this continues, you will be unfulfilled. You will constantly be unfulfilled.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I think the orgasm issue may well have been the reason he stopped being interested. I have explained to him that I don't know how to orgasm from sex as it has NEVER happened but that this is something that doesn't stop me enjoying sex and is something that means I WANT to have as much sex as I can so that I CAN find out what works for me.
I have had a couple of orgasms with him when he has used his fingers on me. I have to be with my legs together and have a certain kind of "stimulation" which fingering does for me. The problem is, he is against this sexual act as he finds it seedy, something done behind the bike sheds at school. He loves giving oral but I don't get anything from this.
So as you can see, we seem to be mismatched. But the difference is I want to explore my sexuality with him. I want to try new things and figure out how to have an orgasm through sex. Whereas he just wants to settle into the routine of having sex 2 or 3 times a month in the same way most of the time. We kiss a bit then he climbs on top or pulls me on top and we go at it for 5 mins until he comes. Then sometimes I bring myself off afterwards.
This just isn't enough for me. I know that if I have sex more frequently, like 3 times a week, that I would feel more comfortable with it and would maybe be able to relax and orgasm. This would make him feel better about it too, as he would get that confirmation that sex is good for me.
I have tried to take charge of the sex and initiate more with him, but 9/10 times he says it is the wrong time or he gets angry and shouts at me for touching him when he is tired and for not respecting that he doesn't want sex.
So in essence he doesn't seem to want to work on our sex life. For some reason he'd just rather not do anything. He has actually said to me he has no sex drive. He would happily never have sex again. This is a difficult thing for me to come to terms with. I feel responsible for this, for not being able to have an orgasm, I feel like I have killed our sex life. Now sometimes when we do have sex, I don't really enjoy it like I should because I am worrying so much about whether he knows I am enjoying it! I concentrate on making the right noises and saying things to show him how sexy he is and how good he makes me feel. Then I lose focus on what is happening and stop being in the moment. I know it's stupid. But the situation seems so hopeless because he just doesn't want to have sex unless it has been at least a week since the last time.
I have lost so much confidence in this area and I don't know what to do. I've tried dressing sexily and giving him space ie not initiating for ages, but then we just go longer without sex. I've tried talking to him but he says this is the way he is and if I cannot accept it, I should leave and find someone else. But in the same incident he says he loves me and that he believes we can work through anything.
I am a very affectionate person and need this in my life. He likes to do his own thing and play online games with friends for hours and hours so this leaves little time for intimacy as he is always thinking of playing games.
Apart from this he is a good man. He works hard, is kind, considerate, affectionate in other ways, gives lots of hugs and kisses and says the sweetest things. He's very kind and supportive of me in most areas and I know he loves me and is faithful.
The problem is, it just feels like we only have half a relationship as we don't have what I feel is enough intimate time together to be close and this contributes to not having enough sexual intimacy. He seems happy to just spend a little time chatting each day, a cuddle or two and sleep in the same bed, while he does his own thing. The games is another issue, it shuts me out. But I guess the real thing is lack of intimacy and lacj of time given by him to me to make our relationship work, in my opinion. He seems happy with the minimum, ie being in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and having sex occasionally. But this is not enough for me. I feel neglected. I don't know how to make him see this. He seems more happy to blame his age(he's older than me) and anthing else than to say he could try harder. How can he say he loves me like he does and not care that I am hurting from the lack of something he could easily give me?
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 In the 2.5 years you have been together you have never had an orgasm with him? I'm sure that plays quite a large part in why he doesn't look forward to sex with you because that is a serious blow to a man's ego. You said he has done it all? Is he not willing to explore with you?
My bf is a lot more experienced than I and we kind of just played around and explored with each other until we found out what worked for us. We have been together 3 years. I don't know what you two have tried and what you haven't.
It does sound like he is ignoring your needs and that's not okay. Are you willing to stay with him if nothing changes? Or would you be happier with moving on and finding someone who is more compatible with you sexually and won't ignore your needs? You only have one life, live it how you want to. Good luck and let me know how everything goes, okay?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): maybe he just doesn't understand that just because you can't orgasm doesn't mean the sex isn't good!
i think sometimes that really damages a guys ego, which is stupid because it's no ones fault.
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