A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Cutting long story very short, I met up with my first love last summer. We had a few dates. Its like no time had past although it has been about 14 years since I last saw him. We got on so well.Eventually we became intimate. Happened twice. Now he has backed off. He said he likes to miss people.He is not married or committed to anyone. I have older children but not in a committed relationship. He has done this to me before where he has come close then backed off. it does hurt me. Of course I am not going to let it happen again but I am so confused as I know he is really attracted to me. He has told me he shys away from commitment and is having financial problems.I too struggle but I am an independent career orientated women who owns two homes and a car.Is it my independence that turns him off. I am not looking for a father for my children as they have one.I feel he is waiting for me to make contact - I am so not chasing him!Any advice please.
View related questions:
shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 Did he pay for those dates? Maybe it drained his wallet and missing you means he's waiting for the next pay check. Being vulnerable, dependent, and making a guy chase is nice, but they don't improve a guy's financial situation. They don't pay the restaurant bill or buy movie tickets.
I would actually respect him more to back off, rather than propose, "let's do FWBs." A decent guy still wants to be a gentleman. He still wants to put effort in and get reward for his investment. When sex is free, few men respect it.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 You are doing fine. Keep so not chasing him.
By now you know is M.O. He comes close for a while and then he backs off. How are you not going to let it happen again, other than by giving him a wide berth - if and when he resurfaces ?
He has not even been sly about it. He told you : what you is what you (will ) get. He does not " do " committment , plus he's got money problems so his mind is not on romance anyway. If you want more , he is not the right person for you.
No, it's not your independence. He seems ( and acts like ) a pretty indipendent type too.
I think it's simpler. He is attracted - but not that much. Attracted- but up to a point.
Maybe you have been led by a bit of wishful thinking to read in the situation more that there is . Or, he laid it on thick for personal advantage .
Look, I am not saying this to be mean . But it's about ... logic, I'd say.
If he was really attracted, he'd come closer- he'd stay , rather than putting distance between you or even ghosting.
Attraction can be fleeting and superficial; OR it can have deeper roots and if the roots " take ", it shows.
If he felt a special spark, a special connection, a special " something " that makes the time he spends with you different, if not better, from that which he spends with anybody else, - he would come back for more , rather than fleeing.
It's just human nature . If we bump into something really good, we tend to want more of it- not less. After all, isn't that how people end up married ?. Short first date, it feels great, Ok let's try a longer one. Longer one, still feels great , let's try a weekend together . From the weekend to a vacation , from the vacation to living together, and so on and so forth.
He may be attracted to you- but apparently not to the point of making him overcome his "fear of committment "- which often is just a different name for " love of variety " and " keeping one's options always the widest open that's possible ".
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 January 2016):
 Is it my independence that turns him off?
No it's his inability to commit. Nothing YOU can fix, but I'd suggest sticking to a non-sexual relationship till he gets his stuff together.
Are you really SURE you want a man with commitment issues AND financial problems?
I don't doubt, you can do better...
...............................
|
