A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I have been dating someone for 6 months now and it's generally going well. My main concern is she has an ex-boyfriend (ex) and they message each other on whatsapp literally everyday. They were friends for a few years before they got together. Then they went out for a couple years and split up last year because he cheated on her. He then went travelling and is spending some time in New Zealand.She told me that they are now best friends, which I thought was cool. But the fact that I've seen on her phone he's always chatting to her on whatsapp etc gives me concern. It is literally everyday. You would think he would have better things to do then be texting someone on the opposite side of the world every single day.Another lame thing I saw the other day was that he "poked" her on Facebook. I know this could mean nothing, but surely if you do that it means something, right?I've also noticed that she sometimes texts him in the middle of the night due to the time differences of where he is - sometimes she will be up briefly anywhere between 1-3am texting. All she says to me is "I got a text from my friend in New Zealand".Another thing is she always openly talks about him. I know this could be just that he is a friend but I feel I am being compared sometimes. The other day I told her about when I sometimes work nights, then she would go "my ex worked nights....etc".She also said that if her ex settles in New Zealand that she will definitely go see him. Again, I should be cool with it but now I'm feeling curious.I know I don't have any evidence as such, but does one really text their ex/"best friend" everyday even if it's in the middle of the night despite having a partner?Thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 November 2015):
 Ok you seem pretty cool about things and you know what, it's not always cool to be cool and ok to be annoyed. Because you are acting like to are ok with it, then you have given her no reason to do otherwise. So unless you have said to your gf- 'Hey, wait a minute here, whether or not you realise you really not showing the relationship or me any respect by what your doing" and ask how shed be feeling if the shoe was on the other foot? Should she be OK then straight up and out the door without hesitation. When she ask where you are going you respond," just going over to visit my ex gf, cu in a few hours babe"... If she is serious about putting you first then she should be understanding and tone it right down to zippo contact, if she not then "Hasta la vista,baby".
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): Sorry, but she's maintaining duel relationships. She is still in a long-distance relationship with her ex; and it goes beyond being just friends. She isn't quite over him, and she is being disrespectful of you and your feelings by being so blatant about it. You're almost a rebound boyfriend, just keeping her body company; while her heart is in another place.
I'm not instigating trouble here, I am raising your awareness that it isn't cool to be so into your ex when you are starting a new relationship. All her energies and attention should be focused on you, and what you're both building together. Your romantic connection is in it's infancy, and you already feel put aside. You were even moved to write a post about it. You actually should be communicating your feelings to her.
She should be distancing herself in order that she can detach completely. She's holding onto the past, and in her heart she may be hoping to return to him. You have to let her know that this whole daily contact thing is bothering you, and it makes you feel uncertain where her heart lies.
With you, or with him? She has to ween herself from needing a daily dose of her ex. He's an addiction.
Establish your place in her heart. Tell her that you feel the contact is too frequent, and it's mainly because she has not truly and completely gotten over him. If she is resistant to curtailing the contact, that is admission she isn't. Be the man, and let her know that if she wants to remain in a relationship with you, she has to end her relationship with him first. That doesn't mean they can't be friends; it means that the daily calls and chats should cease, in order that her feelings can readjust. She should focus her attention on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 I agree with Janniepeg here.
YOU are the 3rd wheel in your own relationship. While it's GREAT that they can become friends and civil after a bad break up, but that doesn't mean you have to want to be with someone who seems to have her priorities a little screwed up.
Does she still want him? You mean in a sexual way? or to rekindle what they have? Maybe, maybe not.
The fact that she is talking about him a lot and wanting to visit him (solo) makes me think that she DOES still carry a bit of a torch for him, regardless of how they broke up.
I'm sorry, I don't really see people getting up in the middle of the night for a chat with their FRIEND, as often as you describe.
I live fairly far from most of my friends and family. YES, there are occasions where we are on Skype at odd hours because of the 7 hour time difference, but... it;s not hard to carry on a conversation through e-mails etc. I have done it for almost 18 years.
This situation you describe would not work for me in a relationship. Not one bit.
I think she believes that because she is open about it, it's ALL good. But I'm not so sure she would be JUST as OK with it, if the shoe was on the other foot and it was YOU and an ex talking this often.
She could have utterly platonic feelings for him, but I do think she is a little "too" keen on keeping that "friendship" going than what is healthy in a relationship.
Yes, exes can be friends/friendly - but it's not always beneficial for the next partner or for the relationship. Would I suggest she cut the contact or talk to him less? No, but I would not want to be with someone who is into keeping in touch with a "friendly ex" to that extend, it's just a bit over the top.
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (1 November 2015):
 Have you spoken to her about this. Let her know you are a little jealous and worried she still has feeling for him. Let her know that you feel what she is doing is a little excessive.
However...no matter what you feel you don't have the right to chose who she talks to and who her friends are. You don't have the right to ask her to stop talking to anyone. Discuss it, and if she isn't willing to reduce the amount of contact you have two options. One... accept it. Two... don't and leave her and move on.
I hope you are able to sort things, I understand this must be horrible for you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 I would question too, how can someone be best friends with one who cheated. How do people come up with that money to travel, if not being a tourist bum with a big backpack on his bike? I would be more than just concerned, asking whether this is appropriate. I would be upset. I am sure he is living an exciting alternative lifestyle, and she listens to his stories every day with enthusiasm. She is like having a real life romance novel every night that supplements what she needs in the mundane every day life. He, on the other hand, meets up with women in serendipity settings but then has the emotional connection long distance to hang on to.
I don't agree with this arrangement. I find compartmentalizing relationships and roles to be disrespectful. At 6 months lovers should be all over each other. Now you have a relationship with two people.
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