A
female
age
36-40,
*inders1984
writes:i have a friend with benefits, problem is i think im in love with him,he was my first love when i was 13 years old and now im 27, we met up for the first time in all these years about 5 months ago and one thing led to another and we have become friends with benefits, we do really get on and go for walks, go to the pub, visit friends together, cinema and when we are together i am just so happy, i dont think he feels the same though, he has said he likes his freedom at the moment. thing is when we might be laying there watching tv he will stroke my face or arm and when he is driving he will reach accross to hold my hand or my leg, i just wish i knew if he has feelings for me deeper then he is letting on. i havent told him how i feel about him as im scared he will not want to see me and i dont want to lose him all together. The past week and half he has been very distant, he usually txts me lots every day and then at about 4am when he finishes work but , he now hardly txts, we went a full day the other day but i couldnt take it no more so i txt him and asked how he was but his replies were distant, i said that if he doesnt want to meet with me anymore then he can just tell me but he replied with '' no its not that at all'' he then txt me saying '' sounds like you have had enough though'' so i told him no, i havent and that i still want to see him but he never replied after that . im just so confused, i know they say you never forget your first love but this is really hurting because i like him so much, always have and i think i always will and wish there was a way to make him feel the same. please help me
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Poor you - you love him but he think of you as a friends with extras. It can never work. The FWB situation can only work if neither side want a full blown relationship. Maybe you were thinking it might progress into something more - I fear not. He senses you are getting attached so is backing off. You are in a bit of a no win situation, keep this going and you are going to be hurt, end it and as you love him you are going to be miserable. Only you can decide which way to go. You can not give him an ultimatium as he has made clear the situation. Perhaps you could find someone who does want a relationship.
A
female
reader, cinders1984 +, writes (28 January 2011):
cinders1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, there is alot of confusion going on in my head at the moment and i do feel it needs sorting once and for all, i would like to believe that this guy does have feelings for me, we went through some tough times when we was together all those years ago and as i said ive lived with those feelings i had for him back then for all these years and having him back im my life has been so nice but i know i have to tell him how i feel. he has been in touch this evening and is txtn me as i write this, apparently he was annoyed because i went out with some friends and diddnt tell him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 January 2011):
I also agree with Cerberus. Nice answer.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 What he said.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Sadly he probably does not.
and FWB never works when one of participants falls in love...you will get hurt. you will read things into what he says and does. you will convince yourself it is more than it is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Sorry but he doesn't have to call or text you, you're only his FWB. You're treating this like a relationship, it's not. You think he should consider you, why? He's not committed to you. It would be nice if he did, he would be a nice guy to consider you but because you're only his FWB he doesn't have to. He can drop you and pick you up anytime he wants.
"i havent told him how i feel about him as im scared he will not want to see me and i dont want to lose him all together" Is this situation working for you? Or is it causing you pain not having a real relationship with him?
Let me make this clear to you because you don't seem to understand, you're his fuck buddy nothing else, he might act all lovey-dovey when you're together because he can and that's what you do when you're intimate with someone. Now he hasn't brought up the notion of a real relationship with you because he doesn't want one. 5 months OP, that's more than enough time to fall in love with someone enough that nothing else but having them and being with them is good enough. You know this because this is how you feel. He doesn't based on the evidence you've provided.
Now you have to talk to him about this, you can't go on like this, losing him or having a real relationship with him are the only two ways this can go forward, because at the moment OP you're being slowly crushed by your love for him and the expectations that brings. You get crushed when he doesn't call, you get crushed because you realize while he does care, he doesn't actually need you. You're going to get more and more hurt as this goes on.
If you don't talk to him about this, if you don't lay your cards out on the table the you're just going to be devastated OP this pain you feel now is nothing compared to the pain of still being FWB's in a few months for him to suddenly turn around and say he's found someone else.
OP if he wanted a relationship he wouldn't have become FWB's, now sometimes FWB's turn into relationships (very, very rarely) but OP 5 months is far too long.
Now he may be backing up because he realizes he doesn't love you, is maybe suspecting you do and his comments suggest that maybe he's looking for a way out now so he can go date a girl he wants to be with.
"he has said he likes his freedom at the moment" At the moment? No OP, he likes his freedom for the past 5 months, he likes having a girl he can act like boyfriend/girlfriend with and doesn't have to commit because the girl doesn't mind being used this way.
OP here are the facts:
1. You have to talk to him.
2. If he doesn't love you after 5 months he never will.
3. It's not about him wanting freedom OP, that's a deflection so he won't hurt you by telling you he doesn't see you as relationship material, saying that is a means of stopping you telling him you love him and ruining this nice little fuck buddy situation he has going.
4. He's satisfied with this situation and you're not, so something has to change.
5. If you're going to lose him now, then it will happen eventually anyway, but right now it will be less painful because you won't have wasted anymore time on this.
6. OP you cannot remain FWB's with a person you love and never get their love back, it is absolutely soul destroying, it the worst kind of crush possible because you get a complete taste of what you wish you could have but never will.
7. You have to tell him!!! He either commits to a relationship and loves you too or you completely cut him off and get over him and move on.
FYI: "Maybe, I don't know, I like what we have now, I like my freedom, I love being with you but I'm not ready, I don't like being tied down, I've had bad experiences, etc etc" all of these mean no chance. They all mean that, but they're sneaky little deflections designed to keep you hanging on so he still gets to have sex with you.
OP you have to be strong, if he refuses to commit then you have to let go. All of this lets see what happens, lets not ruin what we have now crap, will not work for you. It's now or never or this is just going to get worse and worse for you until eventually completely lose it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): It sounds like you both are second guessing each other's intentions and feelings.
That's why a friends with benefits situation rarely works out. It attracts people who refuse to take emotional risks and who tend to be generally evasive with their feelings.
He probably does have feelings for you, but he's avoiding them (and you). I've been through this and it can get long and drawn out.
Perhaps tell him in a straight forward way, "I don't want this situation we have anymore. I care for you and I want to be able to say so without worrying about how you'll react. Let's date?"
Even if he says "no", you get a straight forward answer and you get to carry on with your life without having a big question mark over your head.
Good luck.
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