A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Over the last few months I've started to really like one of my closest male friends. I've known him for a year and we lived together in halls at Uni. We have a little group of friends, us and a couple of others, who hang out together a lot. We get on really well and talk about anything and everything, and we have the same sense of humour - he makes me laugh a lot. I never thought about him in a romantic way until I broke up with my long-term boyfriend a few months ago. Before this happened, when my Mum and Dad were visiting my Mum said she thought he fancied me and I laughed it off. He has a girlfriend but hasn't seen her for about 8 months (they have a very long-distance relationship), and he told me recently that things aren't going well and he needs to 'have a talk with her' when he sees her at Christmas.What I'd really appreciate your advice on is this: does he fancy me? He is quite touchy-feely and is always touching me on the arm when he talks to me etc, though he does do this to our other friends too. On a few occasions he's made jokes about us being a couple - e.g. after buying me an icecream: 'I wonder if that guy thought you were my girlfriend', and once he fake-asked me to marry him. Also a while ago I joked he would have to pay me a million pounds to kiss him and he said he would kiss me for a couple of quid (which I'm hoping means he wouldn't find kissing me too much of an ordeal). The other night he invited me to an evening lecture and then we went for a drink afterwards, and stayed till we got kicked out of the bar, way after everyone else had left. This is when he told me about him having doubts about his girlfriend.I really really like him and can't stop thinking about him, and am making myself crazy trying to figure out if he likes me or not! How can I pursue him without scaring him off?! (Obviously, only if he does end up breaking up with his gf).Thanks so much in advance! :-)
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broke up, christmas, has a girlfriend, kissing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Thanks so much for your advice - you could be right about the flirting thing - perhaps he is doing it just because he likes attention and feels it's 'safe' to do so. Will keep my wits about me and try and figure out what's really going on! Anyway thanks again - you've been a huge help :-)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 November 2009):
 What's the harm in dreaming? Seriously, unless it is causing you mental distress or upsetting your life, what's wrong with a little unrequited love?
Well, let's see. How do you know he fancies you? He's got a girlfriend, technically, so he can't really come out and tell you. I can only give you some ideas that might give you some indication whether he likes you "in that way"; you know him, you know what would work and what wouldn't work.
The flirting seems like fun, but to be honest, I have a couple of gay male friends who would flirt with straight women in this way. Now, keep in mind that they're "out" so we all know it's just joking around, that they're not really interested. So it could be something like that with this guy.
I think I'd probably call him on one of those comments he makes. Like when he mock-proposes or talks about kissing you, if you two are alone at the time, I would not smile at him, look seriously at him and say something like, "You don't really act like a guy who has a girlfriend sometimes. Now is one of those times. What's up with that?" You'll catch him a bit off balance if you ask it plainly and calmly and show him that you're not joking around, that you are indeed wondering why he behaves that way. Pay very close attention to what he says next, he won't have had time to think about it or prepare an answer, and this may give you some huge clues or an actual answer. You have to be careful not to listen with crush-filled ears, though, you must be pragmatic and really listen to him, not listen to him hoping you'll hear certain words.
In my experience, men (the good ones) will let you know where they stand relationship-wise. "I'm not interested in an exclusive relationship." "I don't want a girlfriend right now." "I like you, but I have a girlfriend and I'm not going to do anything that would jeopardize what we have." "I like you but I don't want to ruin the friendship." [that translates to "I don't like you enough to upset the group dynamics or deal with the grief I'm going to get from my buddies for dating you"]
You could also try being honest with him, and say something, again with a serious face, but calmly and gently, "You know, you are kind of leading me on with some of these comments. I have feelings for you and I don't want to be played around with in that way. It hurts too much." That last one will definitely get him to stop flirting with you, so only say it if you can deal with that. You may feel very rejected by him after you reveal that little bit about your feelings for him.
He may just think you're a great girl, but he's not attracted to you and he jokes around with all his female buddies that way. Pay attention.
If you start dating another guy in a serious way, does he get jealous? Can you talk about your crushes on other guys without him showing signs of jealousy? I'm not advocating playing games with other guys' hearts, but if you do date other guys, how does your crush react?
If you have a close female friend in the group who knows him well, or hell, a male friend, you could ask her or him, "Do you ever think John is halfway serious with some of this stuff he jokes about with me? I think it's all for fun, but I don't know sometimes, he does it so often. I'm not quite sure how to take it. It's just odd since he has a girlfriend and all." Someone who knows you both will have an idea too. Be prepared for the inevitable question, "do you like him?"
How's that for something to work with?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): Thanks Tisha-1 for your reply. You're right about maintaining integrity - definitely don't want to be the other woman. To be honest though it is so easy to forget he has a girlfriend - he almost never talks about her and she has never visited him here - hence none of us has ever met her.
Would anyone else be able to shed some light on whether you think he fancies me or not? I would love to hear your thoughts so I can judge if I'm wasting my time dreaming about him.
Thanks so much!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 November 2009):
Sorry, your question was overlooked probably because it was in a flood of other questions. I hope I can help a little.
The thing to keep in mind is that he is officially in a relationship. I think that some harmless flirting is fine, but be careful you don't cross the line into becoming the Other Woman. Not a status you'll ever be proud of, am I right?
So my advice is to continue to get to know him, as a friend. Do not put your life on hold waiting for him. He may be one of these guys who likes being miserable in a relationship, in perverse kind of way. Figure that out, for certain, before you embark on any romantic relationship with him. He may lack the backbone to break up with her--if that's the case, are you sure you really want him?
So be sure to date available men, if he sees he risks losing a chance with you, it may be enough for him to do the break up with her.
I have to add that he may really love her, he's just found an outlet in you for those little needs to be appreciated and admired.
Wait and see, don't put your life on hold, do not become the OW. I think that's all I've got for you for now.
Patience, integrity, respect.... your watchwords for now!
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