A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've jst moved back in with my boyfriend, after a few weeks away for studies and a couple of years of on off, because of this. I love him but I'm really not happy back with him. The reason for this is, he seems to be carrying on his life as if I'm not really there. He does all the things he used to, ignoring me the whole time. Except, when he does talk to me, in between his activities and job, he is as lovely as ever. We have spoken about this in the past, and he always explains he likes to do his own thing and is just happy to have me there in the same room as him. I have tried to talk to him but I find it so hard to approach him, as he gets so defensive. He always says he will not do something unless he wants to do it. He doesn't want a woman to control him. I think he sees doing something because a woman asks him to as being weak or hen pecked and he always gives me the same speach. Perhaps that is why I am holding back from saying something again. The silly thing is, I am the least demanding person he could date. I just want an easy life, so I usually do what others want to keep the peace. But I want a happy life too, and I am so lonely I have cried already and thought of asking my dad if I can go to stay with him. I know I am responsible for my own happiness so I cannot blame him completely. I just don't know what to do.I have been giving him space, as I know he doesn't like feeling pressured, and asking him if he wants to do something like go out for a meal, makes him feel pressured. But it seems that the more space I give him, the more I do my own thing, the more he seems happy to find something else to do on his own. I just feel so unimportant to him. I feel invisable. Like an afterthought. I feel like a pot plant he likes having around but can live without. I used to get sooooo excited before going to stay with him, now I feel apprehension, because I always end up feeling like this, sad and lonely, and ashamed of myself for getting in this state. I've never been good at explaining myself and my feelings. I'm scared to upset the other person.I do love him. I want to make this work, or at least give it a propper go before quitting. When we have gotten on it has been truely wonderful. Before I came over we spoke every night and I felt so close and like I could tell him anything. Why is it so different now?He wonders why I get in sad moods, but it is so hard to say what I feel, both because I find it hard personally and also because of how defensive he gets.How do I expalin this to him for him to see how hurt I am and so he won't just say this is how he is. Is it that hard to make a bit of effort to show your girlfriend some attention and do something with her? It's as if he thinks its a waste of time if we aren't doing something which he sees as worthwile. If its not a film he actually wants to see or something he really wants to do, he just doesn't see the point, even if he knows it means a lot to me. Does this mean he really doesn't care about hurting me, or is he just callous? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reason I want to leave is not just because he doesn't want to see a movie. It's an accumulation of things. It's not about one thing, its that I've moved back with him, hoping he'd be excited to have me back and want to, I don't know, talk, hang out, cuddle, have fun together, be a couple. But he is just as blase as I feared. Yet he says he loves me. When I say I just want him to show me he loves me by giving me a little bit more attention, he says I love you, like telling me that should get me off his back. I love him too but I'm bored. He's just not there, emotionally. He has a lot going on in his life. He has a job, a band, he's trying to get fit and he plays video games. I don't want to stop him doing this. I just want to feel like I'm also important to him. I want to feel loved and desired. And we DO talk. He knows I want him to do things with me. I just hate the way he makes me feel like a sad, needy cow for wanting attention and affection. It should come naturally, thats what I think. But he has said that to him a relationship should fill in the gaps between all the other things in life. I don't agree. I don't want to be a gap filler. I think if someone is important to you, woman, or man, you need to make time for that person in your life, and you need to earn their friendship and love.
Yeah I probably am too available. I'm in his house when he gets home. I have just finished Uni and havn't got my life started here yet. I have no where else to go except my dad's or friends. But they all have jobs and I don't want to impose. I will catch up with them and see them at the weekends.
I just have this feeling in me telling me to get away from him. I just feel so angry with him. He just puts himself first all the time. I thought he actually cared about me more than other people. But he puts his friends first. I just don't want to feel like shit anymore. And I accept I have my faults, I'm just not happy here.
I guess I go into sulks because I'm not happy being ignored. It could also be tit for tat. I think if he doesn't want to talk to me/show me attention, why should I? I know its not going to help anything doing this, but at the time he pisses me off so much I couldn't care less. I'd rather be somewhere else but I'm stuck here for now, until I can get my life sorted. I also wonder if we weren't living together, if he would actually make an effort to see me. I bet he would just expect me to come to him and he would just sit there playing games, same old same old. He promised me he would take me out for a meal to congratualte me passing uni, but every time I ask when are we going he says hes busy and that I make him feel pressured! I asked him because I was excited to be taken out by him, but it seems the first time he'd forgotten he said hed take me out :( then I tokd him when I got my official results and he said that was a real reason to take me out. He had offered to in the first place! It wasn't me asking him. How am I pressuring him? The second time I asked, I was being playful saying are you gonna surprise me one night and not tell me in advance. He said well I'm really busy this week so I'll have to squeeze you in somewhere.
I just feel after 3 years being faithful and waiting for him, he could at least show a bit of enthusiasm for the relationship. He just seems to want me to be like a room mate who cleans up while hes at work and gives him sympathy when he's upset. He is supportive when I'm down and need to talk about something, but thats about it, now. I don't want to just be company, I want to be cherished. Yeah, I am too available, because I actually cared about our relationship. I valued it. I wanted to actually make it work. Maybe I put too much into it. It's not like I cant be on my own, on the contrary. Its more that I am a very lyal person. When I love someone, I won't stop until either they stop or I realise that they really don't care or treat me like crap. The problem here is, he doesn't always treat me bad, he is just very neglectful and doesnt seem to care when this hurts me. He just says this is the way he is and I should get used to it. But I have needs and wants too, and why do I have to be the one to compromise what I want for this relationship? Why won't he? And when he does, why does he do it begrudinginly? Id be much happier for him to play his games if he showed me a bit more attention. If he spent an hour or 2 watching a film, cuddling me, he could play games all day and the next day. And I hate being this desperate for attention. Im losing self respect. Thats why I want to go stay with my dad. To get back my self respect and distance myself from this attatchment.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): If he doesn't want to do something, he says so. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you both talk and compromise it should be OK. Getting into sad moods and thinking of going to live with your father because your partner doesn't want to see a movie is a little extreme. He is just being himself and loves having you with him. You find it too hard to talk to him about how you feel, so you go into sad moods and probably leave him quite mystified.
Before you decide to leave, why not make the effort to really talk to him, spelling out what is making you unhappy. Most men don't understand sulking and silences. You have to talk and spell things out, so they can understand whats is going on with you. Unless you are prepared to do that, he can be forgiven for not making the changes you want to see because he simply won't understand what it is you need to feel happy. Once you have made the effort to do that, one of two things will happen. He will either see your point of view and start to do more 'couples' things. Or he will just carry on doing his own thing. In which case, leaving might well be your only option.
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A
female
reader, van1llabeeen87  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 make yourself unavailable to him. right now, it seems like you are making yourself to available to him.
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