A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why would my boyfriend (31m) look at his exes pictures on facebook all the time if he says he hates her because of the way she treated him. Is it really because he dislikes her or because he still has feelings for her - wishes things had worked out? I know he wouldn't want to be with her because she was a b***h to him and controlling. He talks of marriage and babies with me and we've had a couple of big fights where he could have left me but was so upset after because he says he loves me and hates fighting. So it confuses me as to why he would stalk her on facebook unless he wanted her back? We've been together over a year and they split up nearly 3 years ago after being together a year and a half
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): OP here again! Thanks for all your advice. We had a chat the other day - well it was an argument as well. He got really mad about the fact that I think he still has feelings for her (we've discussed this before) he basically said he was so angry with himself for allowing himself to be treated badly by her and letting her make him feel that way. He swears it's not about her but more about him and he doesn't want to talk about her again and let her get in between us. Maybe it's a healing process for him, not a good one but he can be a little obsessive so...
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 IF he HATES her he's not over her. I agree with Caring Guy.
The only way a person is OVER another person is when they feel ambivalent about them.
I do check out my ex partners now and again but I'm over them and I don't hate any of them (even the one that tried to kill me I don't hate)... i just don't care about them any more... but I still get curious.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 November 2013):
 i've actually done this before; looked at pics of my ex of five years. i used to do it because we were not in contact and i missed her. i wasn't fully over her. although, i didn't necessarily want her back. it was a bit of a confusing emotion. it was nostalgia more than anything. however, it wouldn't have been appropriate if i were in a relationship at the time.
my guess is that he's feeling the same way as i did and is not fully over her. and to say he hates her means he is still harboring some kind of emotion for her. otherwise, he would be apatetic to her and the things that happened in their relationship.
ask yourself this: what would cause YOU to check out one of your exes on fb all the time? if you were over someone, would you constantly look them up? and if you were over someone, would you still harbor anger over the past?
when you're over someone, you don't still harbor anger like that. if anything, he should be thankful she was so awful; it's what led him to finding you!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 Love is a strong emotion. When we experience it with someone, as he must've (and I suspect he was with her long-term), it never truly goes away. Let's face it -- he has a LOT of history with her. He spent many good times with her and despite a lot of pain he went through, he can't help but remember the good times. That's part of human nature -- we are more likely to remember the good times rather than the bad times.
With that, I doubt he will go back to her. I am sure on many levels, he might wish things had been different - after all he was in a committed relationship. He probably checks up on her facebook to see what she is up to and maybe to fantasize / reminisce a bit. But unless he is actively engaged in trying to "get her back" then I think you are fairly safe.
If you are concerned about it, I'd bring it up. Try to talk about it not as accusatory, but in a manner where you want to make sure you make him happy. See where the conversation leads.
Remember, what he is doing is fairly normal. I am sure you think of exes as well. With the internet and facebook in particular, it makes easy to keep tabs of what other people are doing. Don't let your insecurities ruin what could be a good relationship unless there is more to the story.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Sometimes someone hurts you so bad that you want reassurance that they didn't just get away with being awful. So in a weird way, he might be looking to get satisfaction that she's in a bad place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I'm the op. Thanks for your advice caring guy. Thing is, I used to bring her up a lot, and that didn't help. He stopped looking for a couple of months when I told him how much it hurt me and then we had a big fight where he said I was being bit controlling like his ex used to be and that's when he said he hated her. He hadn't said that before but the last couple of days he's been looking her up again. I guess I brought up old feelings, she also had a son from a previous relationship and he was so hurt at losing contact with the child when they broke up that I suppose it added a lot more pain. He's so loving and caring that it's hard for me to get past why he does it. He doesn't believe in bringing up exes so it's not like he talks about her much or anything. He believes in being happy and always goes afte what he wants. He was the one who broke up with her too. I was hoping that I've been reading too much into it...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 October 2013):
Being absolutely honest, I don't think he's really over her. After 3 years, I would have thought that he would have let this one go. But he hasn't. To be saying that he hates his ex and to still be looking at her pictures all this time shows that it's all a bit raw for him still, and perhaps his feelings are still there.
I suppose you need to ask yourself whether you want to be with a guy who is still doing this next year, and the year after, and the year after.
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