A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am really confused and upset at recent events with my partner of 16 years. I am 37 he is 45. We have had a great relationship and people often tell me how nice my partner is and how much he loves me. He is a big man and is thoughtful and takes good care of me. I have had fertility issues over the years and have had a few operations, he has never been keen to have kids anyway so this has never worried him. However devasted me. 2 weeks ago I was in hospital again for removal of ovary/tube and have been left with one ovary, ok for IVF but when discussed he was adamant that he did not want children, whilst I knew all along how he felt it was an emotional time for me to deal with. My older sister (8 yrs older than me) has started to live with us because she has broken up with her husband of 10 years. My sister was living with my parents for 4 months but was not really enjoying it there as she was getting treated like a child. My partner asked me if she could move in with us, with the reasoning that it would be great for me as he would be doing some work out of town, he said it would work out good for all of us as she needed us and we need her. (my husband runs a busy business, I work fulltime elsewhere to make ends meet and things are hectic.) I was initially hesitant but really love my sister and thought it would work out ok, expecially as we are getting a temporary removal house coming to our property soon. My partner says he cares alot for my sister and wants to look after her as well, he wants to be able to hug her and kiss hello/goodbye etc as we do. He also said that if we could work out with my sister, he would consider marrying me. Over a couple of days I tried to digest this info and then began to become increasingly alarmed at his behaviour around her, hes happier, move flexible, flirty and does the same nice things for my sister as for me,eg: making coffee, giving her a blanket on the lounge if she was cold etc. He wanted us all to talk and tell my sister how he feels, she was a little surprised and thought immediately that he was after a type of sexual relationship as well. They spoke privately and come out and told me that it wasn't sexual just good friends. My partner told me a few days before that he wants to be really close to my sister, but he has the habit of not always explaining things very well. I am just confused because I am not sure if he does have desires for her or is just being kind and thoughtful. My sister looks very similar to me and people often think we are twins, however she is a little older. She is a bit bigger body wise but is still very attractive at 45. She has a really outgoing personality and is more lively than me. I am confused as I keep running through in my head all the things he has said and there are some many weird things. Some make me think he wants to be friends, other things make me think he wants more, or is hoping the relationship will become more. I brought up that was he after two wifes, he didn't really answer and said whats wrong with that, I can love two people at the same time. Whenever I try to get him to feel my side and use his brother as an example but he won't listen and says that its not the same. Since I told him how hurt I was at his affection and love for my sister he apologized and said how much he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, the affection for my sister has not been shown as much since our talk and my partner has been very loving towards me. Please help readers with your thoughts!
View related questions:
flirt, love two, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, smartnessiskey  +, writes (22 October 2010):
listen hun and trust me girl this man is a devil from hell. I mean only satans agents do these kind of things to their fellow human beings not to talk of the ones they to love. If I were you, I will kick my sister out right now without even seeking a permision from him. After all she is your sister and if she is not afraid to play some sluty games wiht your husband then you shouldnt be afraid to kick her out of your house asap! In as much as I want to blame your husband for doing this and acting like a jerk I cant imagine your own sister will try to hurt you this deep by sleeping with your husband or doing any unforbiding things with your hubby behind your back she is snake and he is a devil. they both carry the same bad spirit. and you are the victim. my precious sister please do your heart the good and put your foot on the ground. make it your way or the highway. TELL YOUR SISTER TO GET THE HELL OUT BEFORE YOU GO BUNCUS. TRUST ME SHE IS THERE TO BREAK YOUR HOME. BUT BREAK HER FIRST BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HAVE THIS HEARTACHE AND LIVE IN A FEAR LIKE THIS. Let your husband know that you are not a door mat yur a special person and therefore if he does not love you some one else will. dont settle for less run while yu can even if you have known for ages its not worth it. he doesnt love you. he is abusing you and using you. please stay strong and take good care of your self. but your sister is a mistake and she must go and i mean now. sory for long speech. wish all the best.
A
female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 All that really matters here is how YOU feel in this. I shall stick to my guns on this. The Laws of Probability are *very* predictable. If you believe him and it's all good to you, then that is your prerogative. I, however, agree with Cindy in that it's just plain weird and his behavior is way outside the scope of what is acceptable innocent familiar contact. If you're satisfied with his explaining away of what is so glaringly obvious then so be it.
It is my hope that I don't discover you among the prolific ranks of those betrayed by two people they love at some point in the future; I have a strong hunch, though that I shall.
While I don't fault you for not wanting to see your life or heart shattered, I earnestly feel that believing what you want to believe regardless of whatever is staring you in the face is only prolonging the inevitable.
Your guy must be one super slick silver-tongued devil, it seems as though he has an innocent explanation for quite a bit of highly questionable behavior. Only you can establish and require boundaries to be respected. I still firmly maintain that you're being played...badly.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2010):
 This is just weird.
I have a very good relationship with my sister's husband. We get along well, and he is also an attractive guy- yet, it never occurred to me getting more physical than an occasional pat on the shoulder :" Hi Max, what's up ". It's not that I repress myself- I just don't have the wish to fondle him .
WHy is your husband so exceedingly touchy feely- and is he really ? With everybody ? Does he also hug and kiss and call "baby " his colleagues ? His female doctor or lawyer ? The supermarket cashier ? Does he have any notion about healthy physical boundaries. ?...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010): update Bunny Tee: spoke with hubby as my sister has been away for 3 days, he again reasuures me its just friendship and likens it to the close friendship he had with his sister in law some years ago. were he lived in their house and would hug and even jump into bed with her on a sunday for a chat and his brother never had an issues with it. I again got very upset with how this makes me feel and got hysterical not with this particular thing, just with all the past stuff he said. He was upset aswell and said he never wanted to hurt me, he was trying to make life good for all of us, he said he would get my sister to move out. This made me feel better that the feelings he had for her were innocent and I was his top priorty, I think of when he sees my mum he gives her a great big hug and kiss on forehead. I do think his ego gets a big hit, from being wanted or to be able to give this type of affection to others.He reckons is great to have a close relationship and assures me when he hugs my sister its not the same as for me and he has not intentions for sex, now or in the future with my sister. He said it might be hard for me to believe as most men can't have these type of relationships but he can. for the moment I have allowed my sister to stay for all of our sakes to try and work through it as I don't want to loose my relationship with her as well and make things worse with my hubby. I am going to try and be more tolerant of their friendly affection and will talk to my sister alone to ensure she respects my wishes, but I don't know how long this will last if I keep have insecurities about it all. up untill now I have had a great 16 years with this man and love him dearly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): You're a dummy if you stay with him. Sorry to be so blunt. You have all of the information you need in front of you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): ' he wants to be able to hug her and kiss hello/goodbye etc as we do.' This is definite want of a three way! I mean why else would he want to be able to kiss her the same as you, his wife! I think that you should explain to your sister as well as your husband that while living under your roof, it's your rules, and they have to keep a safe distance apart and not even hug. I think it would be best if your sister moved out to your parents' house. Explain to your husband that although you are glad that he cares for your sister you think that this level of care and attention is inappropriate in a marriage, and you aren't comfortable with it and it is in no way acceptable.
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (22 May 2010):
Upon further thought and having consulted a few married male friends, the consensus is a resounding: The deed has already been done, you just don't know it yet.
I'm sorry but I must agree. He's already cheated on you, odds resounding that it's with your sister. You just don't have all the facts or evidence, yet. It's been done. I'm sorry but unless there's a serious explanation to counter the above. You're allowing the proverbial wool to be pulled over your eyes. This is a tough thing to accept, but this guy isn't going to rip apart his comfort status over a quick hit with your sister. He's just found what it takes to keep you quiet, so far. I wish you strength and the absolute best in your matter.
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (22 May 2010):
Sure thing.
Having read your update, I find the "good nite, baby" text a bit disturbing, honestly. You've heard the old adage: "Where there's smoke there's fire"?
There's some serious smoke signals here, I'm afraid. I wouldn't buy the oh it's harmless B/s, were I you. He's playing you to the left with the much-used"you're being paranoid, we're just friends" routine.
I see no reason your long-term partner/husband needs to be telling anyone but YOU "good nite, *baby*" Horse...manure!
Play it however you feel you should, but remember: I warned you. Eyes wide open, sister. He's telling you whatever he needs to tell you to keep you from upsetting his comfy little apple cart. Something's WAY wrong here. You're gut/women's intuition is telling you the same thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2010): thanks Bunny tee, I had another long talk last night after I found a text message from my partner to my sister at 11pm at night, which said: good nite baby, I was furious and asked him what the hell was going on. he assures me its just friends and when he hugs her he feels nothing more than just a hug, it feels different with me. we spoke for hours and he said its not in anyway sexual and that he has had these type of friendships in the past (before he met me) he likes it because, he likes to be around happy people because it rubs off. I asked him how me would feel if she moved out in a few months, he says he is not sure. however he loves me 100% and this will never change
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (21 May 2010):
My thoughts, in a word? POLYGAMY. I think Mr. Partner thinks he has a reasonable chance of making things go 3 ways in your house. I'd also say this guy thinks you're pretty thick in the head, too. He's dropping massive hints like bomb shells all around you, testing the water, as it were. Classic have my cake and eat it, too. I can see no good coming of this.
He wants to get you to *agree* to this, can't you see that?
Problem is: how do you deal with it from here? It's shameful that this man would even dream of trying to drive a wedge between you and your sister, but I'll bet you dimes to donuts, that's just what's coming right at you. Mr. Thang seems to believe he can make this weirdness happen all while getting you to invite it. If he can twist this so you agree then that puts the oness on you not him!
He can love two people? I'll just bet it's not the sisterly-brotherly type of love he has in mind.
How big is your bed, sister? I think he's leading towards 3 of you sharing it. Be careful, it's going to smack you right between the eyes very soon. Good luck.
...............................
|
