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female
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anonymous
writes: My male friend and I have become really close lately. He spends a lot of his spare time with me and I feel that we have a real connection there. He has told me he really likes me and is interested in pursuing a relationship with me.We kissed once about 2 months ago but he stopped it. He later told me this was because he had split up with his ex only the month before. I didn't realise this at the time; I thought they had split up earlier than that but we hadn't discussed his situation because he didn't feel ready to and I respected that.He told me this week that he was feeling like he was getting near to wanting to start a new relationship (but that he wasn't 100% sure as he was enjoying doing things what he wanted when he wanted; he said by that he didn't mean seeing girls. He takes relationships very seriously and doesn't do one night stands).Anyway, he has struggled with learning all his life and been treated really badly because of it. Consequently, he seems to have low self esteem and his verbal communication isn't great; he rarely asks me things directly but kind of tests the water when he speak to me. I think he is scared of rejection. This evening he said to me 'Do you enjoy spending time with me?' I told him 'I love spending time with you. Why?' and he said 'Well, I thought maybe you were spending time with me because you just felt sorry for me?' I just told him in a loving way he was being silly and gave him a hug.At first, I thought no way to a relationship with him as he was talking about his ex all the time, had photos of her plastered over his bedroom wall, etc. We have gradually built up a wonderful friendship and he hadn't mentioned his ex at all for well over a month and taken one of the photos of her down but then out of the blue this evening he said 'If ever I found out my ex slept with that guy (a long story!) then I would get such revenge!' I know he has been hurting really badly over this, but why does he still want to get revenge if he finds out that they slept together when his relationship with her is over? Do you think he still harbours a desire to get back with her? When he mentioned this, I immediately backed off, partly due to the out-of-the-blue nature of it and because the mere mention of his ex makes me back off as I know how much in love they were.I want him to control the progress of this friendship because I don't want to be the one to lead him into a relationship so soon after his ex. Our friendship has been progressing just as I hoped it would, but this comment of his has really thrown me! Is it anything to worry about? He mentioned his ex before just after we kissed and it seems a pattern is emerging; he leads me to a point where we are getting really close and then he throws his ex into the mix!!! Why do you think he is doing this and suggestions (don't say get rid of him; not an option) as to what to do.
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his ex, my ex, one night stand, revenge, self esteem, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): Hi there, well all I can say is he still isn't 100% over his ex. Everyone needs time to grieve over a relationship that has broken down and this is possibly what he is doing at the moment. He still has strong feelings about his ex, he has her pictures on his wall and not only that he is talking about revenge. You cannot rush him into a relationship at this time and he has even said this to you. Yes you are there for him giving him hugs and reassuring him that you like him and you are supporting him. I am sure that he is appreciating this. Just take things slowly and be his friend at the moment, that is all you can do, frustrating as it is. Maybe when he's truly over his ex then there may be a chance for you to get together, best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): it seems to me that this guy still has some feelings for his ex, and is struggling with it. that doesn't mean, however, that he doesn't feel anything for you. it just means that he's dealing with his emotions for her still. when you love someone, and it comes to an end, it often takes years to fully recover from that person. especially if they were together for a really long time, as you just become accustomed to the pattern of them in your life. you get used to the routine and the comfort of that other person. maybe you guys just need to take it extremely slow, and like you said, allow him to make the moves. because it does seem as though he's interested. he's just having a hard time being able to make a commitment when he's still hurting. and he's being mature about it, not wanting to jump into something he may not be ready for. if you really care about him, like you seem like you do, just be a friend for now. he'll come around eventually. good luck!!
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