A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have trouble understanding where my long-term relationship is going and need some advice. I'll start from the beginning, but sorry in advance for the long tale.My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years in one month. I was 17, he was 18 when we first started seing each other. First year was long-distance (4hours) as I still lived with my parents, he had lived one year alone because of university. The first year we travelled back and forth almost every month, and yes we did get sexually active. We were and still are each others first and only sexual partners, which i truly cherish.So when I wanted to go to university at age 19 i went to the same as him, and moved away from my hometown into his apartment. Some of my girlfriends at that time thought i was crazy for doing this, but i felt it was the right thing. he is such a caring and really nice guy, both in life and in bed. this was the time when i lost contact with my girlfriends back home and my boyfriend became my only best friend. still to this day he is the person that knows me the most. we lived together and were having the time of our lives.three and a half years into it we started to have sex less, but in general we were very happy. A year ago we moved into a brand new rented apartment together, and had to buy all the stuff one needs for a new place. Felt at this time very like an grownup, and had a "settled" life. Things became routine and "boring" as we both take our education very seriously, and this is what he blames our troubles on. (yes we have talked about it several times, because he gets sad/depressed about it. i start feeling guilty and cry. and then I/we go on with our lives again, and the evil circle begins again). I drifted away more in the sense that i don't really think that the sex is really that important (not that it's not good or anything). we still are affectionate and in some periods i think sex is wonderful and want it, but he blames the habits we made for "de-mystifying" life and making it too average.Then i decided that i wanted to take my education further and take a masters degree. i moved (from my country) to the another country in september without him.He was not particulary happy about it, but respected my wishes and goals. (he is doing masters as well, but back home). today i am very grateful that i could get myself to go back to the long-distanse relationship and do this big step in my life, because i have learnt so much from it both about myself and how other people deal with different lifestyles and challenges. (i still struggle with my boyfriend and that stuff, as it's not connected to this new place).i guess it also belongs to the tale that living a new life in london, i go out quite a lot to nightclubs and dance all night (because i haven't had the chance to do this before. my boyfriend and i were very much at-home people watching movies together). I have made some great new friends from all over the world as well. being out on the town with people, I don't ever think about other guys sexually or even boyfriend-material, he is still the only one.so we had some problems the last year before i moved away, were we had sex less and because he wants it more then I.I reject him for even cuddling quite often because i don't want to lead him on with false hope. i do see him as my one true love and would very much like to marry him one day (yes we have talked about that too), but right now i just want to live my new life here in this wonderful city. away from the more standard life at home.(this is were i promise there comes the final questions soon.) we decided before i left that we were going to get through this because we love each other very much. The thing is that he still keeps talking to me about me having to show more that i sexually like him, it's the thing that keeps emerging again and again. right now i just want to live my life a little bit, as i have given him four and a half years of my full attention. (i still talk to him every day and share everything with him, since i still don't have anyone else to really talk to). i don't want to break up with him (as some friends have suggested), because i still want to be with him when i get back. and he'll wait for me, as i guaranteed that i wanted to be with him forever. but is this the best for both of us? Is it going to get better between us when i go home again in 9 months? and why can't I be more sexually active against him when i know in my heart he's the one? has "growing up" to adulthood together messed it up? i am terrified for the future, because i want it to succeed and don't ever think I can get a good of a guys as him. does it make sense at all?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Thank you for your answer and your thoughts. We have talked about it several times (also before i posted this) and agreed that we need to work on these issues. Thank you again, it helps getting some feedback from outside your own head.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 February 2013):
 Hi yes it does make sense, you both got together when you where quite young. However living together and being together for so long you both know each other quite well at this stage I assume. Your sex drive has falling, which does usually happen in relationships. However you are still quite young and should still be wanting an active sex life. I think deep down as much as you love your boyfriend you are loving your new life at the moment and trying new things. Yes he may wait for you and you may want to be with him, but is that enough? Some would say yes get all the partying out of your system, enjoy your life and then go back to him, but that is not how it works.
You have both growing up together and you have formed a routine that suits you both. But now you have a new life in London you are beginning to see you enjoy having friends and going out partying, which is normal. Living with your boyfriend and him being your only friend is not healthy anyway. It is good to have friends besides your boyfriend, so remember that.
Now getting on to the issue of sex. No it might not be the most important thing in a relationship, but it is a big part of any relationship. It sounds like you are getting bored of routine. You also look at everything intimate leading to sex. Even him cuddling you means you are leading him on in your head. You need to get out that way of thinking. It is completely normal in any relationship to have intimacy without it automatically leading to sex, explain to him how you feel but you need to work at this as well. Kissing and hugging is normal in a relationship. You both need to add that spark back in to the relationship. I think you should both organise date nights. Where you both go out, watch a movie, have dinner, go for a few drinks, whichever suits you both and make the most of being young, put in the effort and try new things in the bedroom to create excitement.
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