A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im lesbian and in a 5 year relationship. We are moving in together in less than 5 months. We have never spent more than 7 consecutive days living together as we are long distance. We spend every night on the phone together from the time we get in the home after work and settled until the time we go in to work the next day. So yeah we sleep on the phone together. We are 29 and 33. The phone thing is the most quality time we get bc we see each other every other month and only for about 2 days. Recently I spent 7 days with her at her place. Well things are much different in person. A lot of time she came home and wanted to smoke, drink some beer, watch a ball game and let the dog out. She would sit in the bed with me watching her tv or video games. She didn't want to engage in conversation with me, nor hug or kiss me,if she did she would but would complain about having to unwind n needed a minute to herself. Once I fall asleep she would leave the room and go either back outside or else where in the house and come back to the room about 3ish am to sleep with me. Every night she did that and it drove me mad, although I held back. She is very private over her phone and I find her been unnecessarily dishonest with me when I catch her in a lie. In the seven days I was there we did nothing as a couple. Life was boring but I love her to pieces. She would sleep from 3ish am til 2ish or 3ish pm to get up dressed for work n leave. No us time. And she did that every day for seven days. Is that what married life will be like with her? Is that what I have to look forward to? She spends a lot of time texting others all day and I never ask who or why. Our quality time is spent sleeping in the same bed from 4am til 3pm. Her idea of satisfying me is giving me sex so I can be happy and go to bed. Is any of this normal in a relationship? Am I just being overly clingy or needy? Is it unsual to get off work take a shower and spend 30 minutes of quality time with your partner talking, cuddling, watching a tv show together? I feel like my inside emotions are screaming. But she does come home every night, she doesn't hang out with anyone. She considers and always ask do I need gas food or money. But she never buys gifts, if it was to save her soul. In her mind she gives me 100 percent. I told her I need friends outside my relationship with her or else me clinging to her could eventually tare us apart. She says all I need is my sister bc that's all she has. She also has facebook with hundreds of friends, yahoo messenger with few dozen and lives in the same city as her sister. I don't have social media or am I in a city with any relatives. I told her I read how detrimental it could be for us to only have each other. She says if I have friends she knows ill eventually end up cheating. I hate how I only got her and I try to respect her needing her space but its hard when I have no one else to talk to when she does. It was a challenege living together those seven days bc she had no personal space and wanted some. It was difficult for me to bc I wanted attention after missing her all day, a hug and kiss would have suffice. If she is coming home every night should I just let all this go? Am I insecure? Do we just have different emotional needs? Will we last once we move in together? How do we make us work? We discussed meeting each other half way? But what should we avoid and look our for? Ive never lived with anyone as an adult so i'll be giving up my space as well as her. How should we start this off? PLEASE ALL ADVICE IS MUCH APPRECIATED
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2015): OP HERE: Thanks everyone for your feedback I really appreciate. I don't know if it would have made the comments different but I was on leave for surgery and my gf was looking after me while I was recovering, it was minor surgery. But her excuse not taking me out or us not going out was I am under the care of a doctor and I suppose to be resting. But we didn't even watch tv together. The day I left I nagged her so she took me to a nice lake park and we had breakfast. That was so romantic to me, but it seems like once in a lifetime type of thing from her. I'm hoping i'll make the right decision bc the distance has hindered me for years. Maybe in these coming months I will be revealed more with my eyes and hopefully my heart allows my mind to see it. Thank you all. Love is hard.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2015):
 I was LDR with my spouse before he moved to be with me.
I can tell you that in the beginning when we saw each other after just 3 or 4 days apart (we were close enough for long weekends every weekend) we were inseparable both emotionally and physically... the world stopped when we first got together on Friday nights...
Now after about6 or 7 months it settled down but even now living in the same house for a while we still make sure to touch base daily, kiss daily, cuddle in the bed...
as for not wanting you to have friends other than her... BIG HUGE RED FLAG. she is trying to isolate you. this is an early step of abusers. Once you are isolated you will think that the abuse that follows is acceptable and normal and you will not have others outside of your dysfunctional relationship looking in and advising you how dysfunctional you are. you begin to think this abuse is normal.
abuse does not have to be physical... emotional, mental and verbal abuse is hard to deal with and if you have never seen it it's hard to recognize. I see it in what you are saying about her.
do not move in with her. just don't.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 March 2015):
Does not seem like she wants to pursue these long term goals with you. Moving in with her will only make this worse and will not actually fix any thing.
I'll be frank, she sounds like a guy who is not interested in you but just likes controlling you to have you around. Does not even sound like a 5 year relationship. She could even be cheating on you.
I really wish there was more I could say but your partner is...well..lame. I think you can do a million times better. Hopefully your self esteem isn't too damaged by this and you can see that you deserve better...way better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): Don't move. If only seven days with her was that bad, it will only get worse once you move in. Your relationship was established over long-distance. That was more convenient for her; because she didn't have to see you everyday. She also had her place all to herself, and you kept her company when she was bored. Having you come and go, works for her.
You learned a lot in those days you spent together. That's a spoiler-alert for what life would be like living together. It sounds boring and awful. She seems awful.
Be logical. Don't let your emotions talk you into doing something you'll regret after the fact. Simply put, she likes things just as they are. You'll be giving up everything to be with her. Alarms should be going-off in your head! Your heart is desperate for a girlfriend, and will make you do something dumb. Listen to your brain instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): You do not have a relationship you have a phone relationship. Move on....of course you would cheat if you had any friends if cheating means having fun and a healthy self esteem. Why are you alone after five years with no friends. Maybe you are alone because you are sleeping w a phone instead of living your life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I'd let it go....
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