A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please help. My girlfriend has a not so nice sexual history including having affair with a married man and also a history of cheating. I love her so much and won't let go but it upsets me. I asked her when she was with another guy sexually before me and she wouldn't answer so I thought maybe she cheated me. When I asked her if she did, she became so upset she cried and say I don't trust her.. could it mean that she did cheat me and by crying was trying to avoid the question.... How can I get her to admit that she did... if she did?
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affair, cheated on me, married man, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): I'll let you into a secret, at the age of fourteen I was arrested for shoplifting, stealing some fishing tackle from a well known store, I also stole from parents and grandparents my wife knows about these misdemeanours but doesn't question me when I come back from the shop and ask to see the receipts, in case I stole the goods.
What is in the past should remain in the past...
First i'am curious as to how you know so much about her past, did someone tell you? ...have you known her a long time? or did she tell you?
If someone told you don't then I would say "don't believe everything you hear" If you have known her a long time "You should know the circumstances behind her behaviour and accepted her with all her faults" and if she herself told you "It is because she trusted you enough to reveal the darker side of her life and probably one she is not proud of"
Her upset maybe just because you don't trust her and your actions are insensitive, if she is insecure you have just made her a whole lot more insecure. If you love her truly love her then you would believe her why because Agape (true love is described thus)
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I don't need to point out the flaws in your approach to her over this issue!
If you follow the above you may get hurt, as you are not responsible for your girlfriends actions only your own. As I have said before on dearcupid Love is like a rose it has its thorns, but the upside is you will offer her a love so deep that you won't have to worry about her straying
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Maybe because of the fact that you regard her sexual history as not so nice, she's being guarded about what she tells you.
You can't change the past, you can only shape the future. You're guessing that she's cheated on you, but there's no reason as to why she should tell you. It's her past, not yours. Maybe her previous sexual encounter was the day before you got together, maybe it was a year before - but what does it matter?
If I were you I'd drop it - you either trust her or you don't, and the same goes for her. Without trust there is no relationship.
Keep banging on about this and she'll most probably walk - or she may feel that if she's being accused of cheating, she might as well cheat - at least then she'd be blamed for something she's done rather than something she hasn't!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): Hi there!
I'm so sorry that you're so upset about this situation with your girlfriend; it sounds like you love her very much.
I can understand why you're concerned: you're girlfriend has a history of cheating, and had a relationship in the past with a married man. That would worry me as well, if I were you.
Two things could be happening, but naturally you're inclined not to trust her because of her past. I cannot answer your question in a definite way, because I'm not her. I also don't know enough about your relationship with her to even take a guess. For example, do you often not trust her? If you don't, and she is committed to you and has not done anything wrong during the time that you guys have been together, then it is possible that she started to cry because you don't have any faith in her. If you constantly ask her whether she's been cheating on you, and she constantly reassures you that she hasn't, then at some point she's just going to stop reassuring you and she will be silent and upset; for, after all, what else can she do?
I have to qualify this answer by mentioning that I've taken for granted that you two have a close loving great relationship, and maybe all you need to work on is you learning to trust her, or get over your insecurities, or it could even be her and her behaviour. Maybe she isn't doing anything wrong but she does things without telling you about them, or she isn't very sensitive when interacting with other guys when you're around.
If, on the other hand, she isn't very attentive, and your relationship is tempestuous, then something else could be going on here. She could have cried because she did cheat; but again, if that was the case, then maybe it's because she knows you don't trust her anyway, or you've been pushing her away by being insecure; or neither, and she's just not a trustworthy person (she could be depressed, or bipolar, and that might make her act in ways that are not typical for her, such as cheating); or she's just not a good person.
My point is, you know her best. What is your gut feeling? Do you think she doesn't love you? Do you think she would ever cheat on you? Are there any other problems that you need to work through? Or do you think that perhaps the problems is at least partially in you?
I would not worry about trying to find answers now because that will make you more anxious. If you've felt this way often, then you need to just keep your eyes open. If this is the first time it happened, focus on yourself and try to just keep an open mind. If at some future time you get to know that indeed there's a good chance she is cheating on you, you can leave her, or do whatever you think is best for you. You say you love her, though, so just hang in there and don't jump into conclusions unless you have very good reasons for feeling the way that you do.
Through my own experience, I've learned not to make any rash decisions. There's no reason to form any conclusions unless it's reasonable (and I often need time to think about it) or unless someone is in danger (ie. that man is unconscious - I should not hesitate to call 911). Everything else can wait until the right moment; and that moment requires a clarity of thought and feelings. If you're feeling confused, or you have mixed feelings, then you need to sort them out before making a decision.
Now, if this relationship is not good for you and it's making you miserable (and your girlfriend is miserable in it too) then you might want to consider splitting up, and either taking a break, or whatever, and sort either your own issues; or if this doesn't apply, then some distance to see things more clearly.
Bottom line: do what's best for you. We all have our own limits, and set of values, and our relationships should complement them, not violate them.
My thoughts are with you, friend. Hang in there!
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