A
female
age
41-50,
*shanre
writes:I've searched online for an answer for a while, but nothing ever seems to fit just right so I need to go ahead and ask this myself...is it time for me to leave?I want to get married. My BF of 4 years keeps saying, "yeah, lets just go do it" or "i can't afford a ring right now". I'm starting to think these are just things to shut me up and leave him alone. I try not to nag, but I have brought it up on several occasions. He is divorced, so maybe once bitten, twice shy? When we first started dating, I told him I wasn't interested in getting married, but he's changed my mind. Now I want it desperately. I take care of his 3 children, and it's always awkward when I have to explain i'm just dad's GF. I don't know what to do. I really do love him and i'd like to convince myself that i don't need a piece of paper to be happy, but it turns out i do. I do know that if this isn't going anywhere, i am ready to leave. but I don't want that to sound like an ultimatum so i can't say that to him. it'll get me what i want in the end, but at his expense. So, should I just cut my losses and blow this popsicle stand? or tough it out and stop whining about it?
View related questions:
divorce, his ex, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
 I see, then these are nothing but excuses. Ouch, he needs your income to support him...hell honey, you're taking care of his kids, home owners, and taking care of his kids you already sound like a wife minus the title, papers, and ring. You're 26-29 yeah, screw that. Definitely find out whether he wants marriage and maybe your own children if you want them, if he fumbles around for an answer or continues to give you the run around then it's time to kick rocks.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Just have a frank conversation with him about what the plan is. Is it to keep things like they are, or move it forward? No pressure, you just want to know what to expect. Also, it wouldn't hurt to let him know what you want, desire, expect so he can consider these in his thoughts for a while and then agree to revisit the topic in a few weeks after both have a chance to consider it a bit after the first conversation. Be clear, be specific, if you cannot be, then you don't need to be getting married anyway. If he is the guy for you, and you the gal for him figuring this out together is a good exercise towards a later dispute and gives you a better chance of staying married if that is what you decide to do together. As a side, I told my wife let's just go do it, got the license, set the date, and eloped at the JP on a Saturday morning. That was 16 years ago and I don't regret it a bit.
...............................
A
female
reader, mshanre +, writes (11 September 2010):
mshanre is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso perhaps you understand my dilemma-his answers are very conflicting. he says he wants to, but than says he can't afford it. we are well enough off that the price of a ring is not an issue. perhaps a year ago it was, but our situation changed when the kids came to live with us and he stopped paying 60% of his wages in child support. i guess the issue is, i kind of don't believe him when he says he wants to. i feel like he's just saying it to keep me on the hook because he needs me (to pay half the bills, take care of the kids, keep house, etc.)
...............................
A
female
reader, potatochipsrus +, writes (11 September 2010):
I've been in a situation similar to yours. My boyfriend kept saying that he wanted to get married, but he also admitted that he didn't want to until we could afford it. Eventually I just sat him down and was like, look, it doesn't make sense to keep pushing it off because we can't afford it.. we're NEVER going to be able to really afford it, so let's just set a date and go with it. It suddenly made sense to him and now we're finally making steps towards getting married.
I think it's more important to a guy that he should be able to afford a nice ring for his future wife because to him, it's symbolic of being able to support you. It doesn't matter how many times you tell him "the ring doesn't matter", he'll still feel inadequate if he can't get you something nice. At least this is how I've come to interpret things like this through my own experience.
Hang in there! For a while I was unsure of whether or not I really loved my boyfriend because we were going back and forth on marriage, but after I thought things through and sat down with him, things turned out for the better. You really love him, right? That's not a feeling that you can just turn off, no matter how stubborn he's being about wanting to wait until you can "afford" it. What you have to decide is how important it is to you. If you're both willing to fight for each other, then you can't lose.
Try approaching him light-heartedly. If he truly cares about you and wants to be with you, he'll at least listen to what you have to say and compromise with you. Otherwise, as cliche as this sounds, if he doesn't want to listen to you, then do you really want to be with him? Think about it, but don't think TOO hard about it. Sometimes we girls like to create ideas in our heads because we think too much.
So yeah, in conclusion, try approaching him and give him space to share his opinion too. Stay strong and good luck! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 September 2010):
Hmmm, does he share the same views on marriage, or is he been there done that and I got 3 kids out of it deal? I don't understand him saying "yeah let's do it" is he serious as in let's drive down to the court house now? And "I can't afford a ring right now" is he paying child support on his 3 kids? Then I can see where can't afford one but he can either take out a loan or there's payment plans at the jeweler's, and believe it or not there are pretty rings in the pawnshop for a steal.
Honestly, he's not ready for marriage right now maybe not ever and you can't throw an ultimatum at him. Who would want to be forced into a marriage? You'd risk being his next ex-wife. With that being said, sure it takes some guys longer than others to propose, I know a couple going on 7 years with no sign of a rock. If you really love him and you know that he wants marriage eventually then I quit the whining and bid your time. However, if he doesn't want the same then it's time to hit the road because he can't give you anymore than he's giving now and that's not enough for you.
...............................
|
