A
female
age
36-40,
*hecamellias
writes:Hello, new to being a member here on DearCupid, but I have consulted to this site for more "level-minded" answers about certain issues I have had with pornography. I have done kaboodles of reading online, and in book stores to find a better understanding of how men are "hardwired" in general and specifically on their justified visual stimulance. As a women(except for the few I have found to be a bit more liberal), of course do find a bit of a struggle with pornography, and how it makes us feel and blah blah blah. you know the drill. As I have been trying my hardest to take in what I have read, and process it for myself I still have difficulty in rationing with particular issues. SO basically I do have some specific questions that derive from understanding fantacies and all. SO here it goes I suppose:I am fully aware that the general opionion/fact on men having sexual thoughts of other women while having sex with their partners and/or while masturbating are classified as " normal" or "healthy". I also do see that letting something like him looking at porn, masturbating while doing so, and when im feeling strong even my own mate fantacizing about another women during intercourse shouldn't bother me, and if it does it's only out of my own insecurities. ( I do apologize for such poor grammar.) HOWEVER, if it is so normal, and if it creates such excitement, does that mean my boyfriend is thinking about another woman/women while we have sex EVERY SINGLE TIME? Or is it only on occassion. My boyfriend and I have gone through hell and back disucssing this whole porn thing. Of course, my natural female reactions spring up other questions, based off of other questions. I'm basically just trying to get it all figured out so I can quit badgering him constantly. I've been emotional, irrational, and just plain mean about it at times. I dont want to be this way , and I have done a lot of improvement in myself with self esteem and dealing with this particular issue. I have asked him, and at desperate moments tried the force out method. I realize that asking him " oh yeah, so I was wondering if you think about other women while you're fucking me???" OF COURSE his response will be" Of course not -fill in bull crap here-". And he is probably afraid to answer honestly because of how big anything having to do with porn has been in the past. Like I said, I only want to build a greater understanding, and possibly have that question answered as honestly as possible. I'm sorry that this post is so long, but I would greatly appreciate any feed back. Men and Women both welcome. Thanks for your time.
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female
reader, Fredjuste +, writes (17 November 2010):
No sex is not sex, sex is sex with a stranger but it cannot be like that with someone who said they love you. If I am making love with my man and I have a feeling you not 100% committed to me I will work away, cause it does not make any sense, I personally watch my Boyfriend having sex in his dream I mean and I know that's crazy lol but he swear it was with me lol but anyway it's crazy how man's do things, I don't think it's right for them to use us as their BAIT while they are enjoying their fantasy.
A
female
reader, Fredjuste +, writes (17 November 2010):
No sex is not sex, sex is sex with a stranger but it cannot be like that with someone who said they love you. If I am making love with my man and I have a feeling you not 100% committed to me I will work away, cause it does not make any sense, I personally watch my Boyfriend having sex in his dream I mean and I know that's crazy lol but he swear it was with me lol but anyway it's crazy how man's do things, I don't think it's right for them to use us as their BAIT while they are enjoying their fantasy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This article has just been written by one of the aunts who challenged her view on pornography... I thought it might help you. I found it interesting when she said, that at the back of her mind, whilst she was watching the sex, she was thinking, that she'd be doing the same with her boyfriend in a couple of minutes.... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/porn-can-be-great-foreplay.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): The more I think about it the more I'm wondering how do you keep your eyes open when your having sex. For me it's a normal reaction, just like kissing, the eyes just automatically close. How do you keep them open when the orgasm hits... Can anyone explain...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I keep my eyes closed, because I find sex very overwhelming and looking at my partner is just too much for me, looking as well as feeling would drive me overboard... I don't fantasize when I'm having sex, I'm too caught up in all the sensations, and my eyes are closed all the time... so this isn't evidence that he may be fantasing about somebody else, because I do the same thing.
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (15 December 2008):
My thoughts are, based on my own personal experiences with my fiance...
if he never looks at you during sex...or if he looks at you but only fleetingly...if you never lock eyes...if he always has to have his eyes closed...if he is constantly burying his face in the pillow or elsewhere...if he almost always has to finish up doing you from behind (where he can't see your face or your eyes)...then at those times, he may be thinking of a fantasy which does not involve you, or thinking of another woman. Or, he may be so intensely involved with the physical sensations of his own body, and not looking at anything but the insides of your own eyelids can intensify these sensations.
For us, there seem to be times when it is sex, pure lust, almost animalistic. Other times, we are making love...we are locking eyes, we can feel the emotional intimacy and the feelings of love between us.
My fiance and I went a very long time where it felt as though we completely lacked any emotional intimacy, either in or out of the bedroom. I just felt disconnected from him emotionally. He never looked at me during what I will call sex. He always had to have his eyes closed, he would often bury his face in the pillow or a towel, he would usually have to climax while having sex from behind me. I started to feel like nothing more than an object. There was no tenderness between us. We were not making love. We were just having sex. We never lied in each other's arms after.
That changed a few months ago. I started to notice he was looking at me, we would lock eyes, doggy style was but an occasional position, he was no longer burying his face in the pillow every single time. Instead we were connecting with intense eye-to-eye contact, I could feel an emotional connection between us...and we were finally making love.
Try to gauge the way you feel...are you just having sex, or are you at least some of the time making love? How do you feel after? Do you feel close, connected, beautiful, or do you feel used, feel like an object? That will be a clue as to whether or not he is thinking of someone else (and I think this is fine, so long as it is the exception and not the rule).
My fiance and I alternate between the two, and frankly, lately, most of the time we are making love...having sex is the exception and not the rule, and I am grateful for that.
I am not sure if I am explaining myself correctly here. I don't feel that when we have sex now (vs. making love, as referenced above) that he is thinking of another woman, or not there in the moment with me. It is just a different way of being together physically, and a different mood.
However, when that is all we did, when all we did was have sex, and we never ever made love, it made me feel as though there was someone else in the bedroom with us, that he was fantasizing about another woman that perhaps he had seen on the computer screen, that all I was was an object to him.
I hope this makes sense to you, and I hope this helps you.
We women can make ourselves crazy trying to figure out just where our men's heads and desires are at times. Does he have a wandering eye when he's out with you? Does he flirt with other women in front of you? Does he look at porn in secret? Do you catch him masturbating often? The answers to all of these things can add up and greatly influence our thoughts, and make us wonder what our men are thinking in and out of the bedroom.
On the flip side, does he pay attention to you outside of the bedroom? Is he affectionate with you in public? Does he want the world to know you are his lady? Does he look into your eyes and tell you just how beautiful he thinks you are? Does he make you feel special? All these things carry over into the bedroom.
I am 47 and this is the first time in my life that I have questioned myself and questioned where my man's head is at. It is the first time I've ever felt as though I have to compete with other women for his attention. Fortunately, we have made great strides, and there has been so much improvement, but we are constantly working on things. This world we live in does not make it any easier. We all are constantly bombarded by the media with sexual images, beautiful perfect models, pornography, etc. It's no wonder some of us are insecure. What helps is how we are treated in and out of the bedroom by our significant others.
I understand exactly how you feel, as I have felt that way too. I hope you are able to feel good about yourself and what you bring to the relationship with your boyfriend. I hope you are able to figure out the answer to your question without furthering badgering him. I know it is difficult to believe everything they tell us when we ask them. Sometimes it feels as though they are just telling us what we want to hear, and sparing us the truth b/c they do not want to hurt us.
Just remember, you cannot always tell what he is thinking, you will never know all his thoughts, but the same holds true for you, too...he will never know all that you are thinking. Try to focus on how he treats you, does he treat you with respect when you're together, do you feel emotionally close and connected to him, in and out of the bedroom?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Women struggling to accept their man liking/thinking about other women and porno is sort of like when men get so busted up about their woman's sexual past.
Rationally knowing that an emotion is couterproductive and unfair is one thing. Actually shutting off that emotion is something else entirely.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Hi Lady of the Camellias (nice name by the way)
Hopefully you've seen that great answer from Mr Anonymous, and it's so helpfull in reminding us about the difference between some women and some men. Here are you and me trying to understand it all, and trying to work out what is going on in a man's head. He put's it plain and simple.
Men do have a way of not really "twisting" themselves up about issues like this. It's usually a womans habit trying to understand. But he put it very simply and hit the nail on the head. I hope that his advice helps to make things clearer for you... Take care babes, and "just give yourself and him a break"... lol
PS: I've heard some men think of football scores, chess moves, or calculations.. it helps them last longer.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2008): i think your getting it a little twisted..... this is how i see it..... in your life you have a range of sexual experiances from masturbation with pornography to sexual relationships with people. all of these events leave images and memorys in your mind. they shape how you approach and deal with your sexual activities.i have NEVER had long sexual thoughts about other women whilst having sex. that would just be depressing. a human does however compare things or try something they did with another partner. these "thoughts" that you speak of (in my opinion) are not proper thoughts, they are merely ways that we connect things and make sense of things. i think you'd be shocked at what really might be in a mans head whilst having sex. i found myself thinking about work the other day whilst having sex... my girlfriend said " are you alright?" just give yourself and him a break.if he uses to much porn maybe thats a problem depending on the individual.
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A
female
reader, thecamellias +, writes (12 December 2008):
thecamellias is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKudos to both DiovanLestat and the other anonymous poster.
Both of you made a lot of sense, and i enjoyed reading your answers. Diovan, you said that very few people have fantasies while looking at porn, or even think of anything. I am under the impression ( after reading many posts from men on here and other sites) that those women turn men on. Of course, they are visual creatures and what man doesn't love a "perfect", plastic, willing to do anything woman on a screen. Naturally, I would think that the act itself plus the girl on the screen would be the thing to think about it. I guess that's just me. It's hard for me to pick which advice/information to take because everyone is different in so many ways. My boyfriend and I do not have a communication problem, but things along this matter are not the easist to discuss. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE. haha Also, what about all the talk of "sexual variety" for men ? i have read about that in both books, and common talk from men online. That numerous men who love their wives very much, who would never cheat on them, and still find them attractive admit to thinking about other women whilst during sex with their partners AND with pornography. Pandoras box. So it seems. anyway . I know that becoming "accepting" of all this is the best route to go, because I will drive myself crazy otherwise. I just hope with all my heart that my efforts are not in vain. That my work I do for my mental health is to reach a better understanding, and not to let the man " off the hook". You know? It seems like that could possibly be the case. i would hate to know all i did, and suffered through with this in my relationship was just so he could keep jerking and doing what he wants to do . i suppose the best advise is to look at as a hobby
i totally agree with both of you, not not let it get to me. That is totally where I am trying to be. Thanks to all you you have replied so far on that matter.
AND now, specifically to Diovan,
I did experiment with the masturbating. first of all, i should have stated that i myself have used pornography for masturbation. however, I don't find myself thinking of really anything but the act itself. And that make sense, i Know. i just figured experiencing it as a women it would automatically be opposite to a man. To be quite honest, "straight" porn doesnt particularly do it for me.
I often find myself viewing girl on girl porn. i suppose i find the act it self more arousing rather than the women featured. But i have thought of it in this way: " Well if i can masturbate to porn, or through other means and experience orgasm through it, does it affect my relationship." Of course I tell myself no. In fact, i have tried actually thinking about the women performing oral sex, but would end up not thinking of anything really but getting to the climax point. And even afterwards, YOU ARE RIGHT. life seems to go back to normal. while I am aroused my mind tends to wander a bit, you know? Like what would it REALLLYYY be like if this were real, and not on the computer screen or in my mind? Soon after orgasm, I think of my curious thoughts and almost find them weird. And at times i try to use that method of thinking for myself, and then applying it my boy friends reasons. Sorry if my response is so scatter brained, I am at work and keep having to close the window. So if i didn't make any sense at times, forgive me. But yes. cheers to you all. any more feedback you might find to be helpful, please feel free to share. thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Hi babes,
Glad that you've done your reading, it's best to find out all about the situation, so you can get all the information you can, to make a good decision..However, I have to correct you about certain things that I think you've got wrong...
Firstly, not all women struggle with pornography. Some like it, some don't care and some hate it. The same goes for men, some like it, some hate it, and some can't be bothered with it. However, yes, the percentages seem to be very different. More women hate it, and more men like it and use it, so you are right about that.
Secondly, I always suggest that you look at it like a hobby, like a woman's interest in fashion magazines, or some men's interest in motor cars or motor bikes. It dose help to think of it in these terms, even though it involves sex. Your not wrong to dislike it and the time he spends on it. Football drives me crazy for a number of reasons and I could never date a guy who was a committed fan, cause I would always wonder if he would put me first if crunch came to crunch.
Is your boyfriend thinking about other women when you have sex. NO, HE'S NOT. He's thinking all about you and what you are doing together. Men fantasize about other women, when they are having bad sex, or they are not in love. Women do the same thing, so many women say that they have to fantasize about a movie star because they don't fancy their partner. This is nothing to do with porn, it's to do with bad sex, or being with the wrong partner.
Very few people have fantasies at all when they are looking at porn. They don't think about the people on screen, and they definitely don't think about their partners. They just watch the sex action, listen to the breathing and watch the moves. A instinctive sexual reaction takes over, you masturbate, you have an orgasm, then you put it away, and it's back to real life. There is no thinking, hey I like that person, or I want that person to be with me in real life. It's more like, hey he's got a big penis, hey that move looks hot, hey that's sexy, it turns me on. IT'S NOT THE SAME AS REAL SEX. It's the equivalent of reading a good book. You watch superman, you watch a western, you like it, it makes you feel brave, but you don't want to be superman and you don't want to be the cowboy. You enjoy it, then turn it off and go back to your real life and the things you enjoy.
Having sexual fantasies of other women is not ok and normal. It's actually a big sign that something is wrong with your relationship, and if this is happening, then the person needs to have a big talk with their partner, because something is going wrong.
oh yeah, so I was wondering if you think about other women while you're fucking me?? YOU ARE WRONG.. to be crude, he's smelling you, he's thinking about your pussy cat, and he's so lost in orgasm and pleasure, he can't think anything else at all except.. "FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.... this feels so good...." lol
Porn is different, he looks, he watches, he gets fired up, he masturbates, he has an orgasm, then he turns it off and forgets about it. Nothing like sex, where he wants to cuddle afterwards, he is a bit more tender, he thinks about you all day, and you put a smile on his face....
Porn is fantasy, just like the movies. Sex is intimacy, with somebody who worships your body and makes you feel loved. Not the same at all. Leave the porn where it belongs, don't bring it into real life, cause he doesn't. He doesn't think about it as much as you do. It's a book that he uses and then puts down, you are the woman who gives him the world, no comparison at all...
A little homework for you, so you can understand. I want you to masturbate, you can think of anything you like. Afterwards come back here and tell us all what you thought about. How did it feel when you finished, is it the same has having sex with your boyfriend. Did it make you want him more or less... Run an experiment, and come back and tell us your results...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husbands-porn-watching-has-put-me-in.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): I have been through the whole porn scenario with my b/f too and i know exactly how you feel. But you need to forget this way of thinking that your b/f thinks about other women when you have sex. You'll just end up questioning yourself constantly and this is no good for your health. If he really wanted these 'other' women than he wouldn't be with you in the first place he would be out there playing the field.And i don't agree with the comment 'sex is sex' because it isn't when your in a relationship, if it was like that then like i said before he wouldn't be with you. Hope this has helped you maybe i'm being naive but it's the only way you can think without going insane!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): he hasnt cheated and wouldnt have sex if he thought u were ugly, and so what if he thinks of other girls? sex is sex hope this helps. plz dont divorce him or make this a big deal.
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