A
female
age
36-40,
*intage Venus
writes:I've been with my treasured and beloved boyfriend for over 2 years now. I've had my share of bad relationships. But none of them turned long term like this one. I am a picky person. Down to the some of the hobbies or interests he should have. Because it just fluffs my pillows. If you know what I mean.I knew my boyfriend a while before we dated. And when we first met... I crushed on him. He didn't really talk to me. Random words here and there. And I had a meaningless relationship going on at the time. But when ever he was around. I was so happy. I couldn't explain it. But I always thought he didn't like me. Maybe even hated me. Years later... we bump into each other again. It was like magic. And he told me he had a crush on ME! This made me melt away like no mans business. And then he said the words I only heard in my day dreams."If we were together. I would be your Knight. And I would want you to be my Queen."We got together not to much later after that being said. The moment he asked me to be his girlfriend... right after he told me he loved me. It was pure magic for me.Since then... we have been sworn soul mates. But Struggle came after we moved down to florida. We'd lived together up north for a while and things weren't too bad. But after living with his mother (she was abusive to him the whole time. And myself. Thank God we got out of there) it's just been one thing after another.We used to fall asleep kissing. And we always flirted. He always had to have arms around me. We would go out together and just be goofy. Talk. And just enjoy each other. He was my first to have sexual relations with. I was saving it for marriage. But I felt like we would get married. So I let it go. And he used to crave to be with me in that way. Now... it's only when I get upset that he seems to be uninterested.He says he's really stressed. And I see it. but at the same time... I'm in hell. I love him the same. If not more. I thought we'd be married by now... to be honest.We spoke about it and he said he wanted it. But now there's always a reason not to. First because we lived far apart, then because we lived with my grandparents, then because we lived with his mother, then he wanted his 2nd childhood first, then because he couldn't afford the ring, then it was because it's not a mature time, then because he wants to make it perfect first, and now he's just plainly not ready. This is something I want deeply for myself. I cherish him with all my being. I would do anything for him. I'm so in love. SO much in love this hurts. What should I do? Is it possible he still loves me? His love doesn't reach me... and all I can wonder is... who is his love going to?He tells me he's faithful. And he truly isn't the type to cheat on someone. But I'm just so scared and depressed. Like I have a hole nothing can fill. Someone please tell me what to do. Thank you.
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crush, depressed, flirt, kissing, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I can see that you really love this guy... but if you are putting all this effort into him and he isn't putting any into himself then maybe you have already done all you can for him. You should remember that you were a normal woman before you met him and when you are ready to move on (and if he keeps doing what he's doing you will have to move on)you will eventually be yourself again.
Best of luck. Don't let anyone drag you down and I'm glad you are trying your best for someone.
-Kachi
A
female
reader, Vintage Venus +, writes (4 November 2008):
Vintage Venus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs much as I am against mental and physical abuse and I can see how much right now that's what this is....
He grew up in a hard life. Horrible things happened to him. And I guess maybe this is his time to crumble. I can't abandon him until he tells me to.
As much as I will cry myself to sleep; I'll be happy I did my best for him in the end.
Thank you all for your advice. If anyone is interested I'll post updates whenever I can.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 November 2008):
Do you really want to be in this relationship while it is like this?
It sounds to me like it has come to the end of the line.
If you can't get him to open up and discuss what is wrong then he is only going to get worse and I don't think it is healthy to be with someone who is willing to say things like that to you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Vintage Venus +, writes (3 November 2008):
Vintage Venus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSometimes ignorance is bliss.Last night was the worst night of my life. He put me down. In so many ways....And said he'd rather be dead than near me.He treated me like trash. Then said sorry.I slept in the living room... and he woke up to tell me to get up and go to bed. And stormed out without giving me a kiss.He only does that to be mean....But I put him to bed last night. Helped him undress and tucked him in. I petted his hair until he was relaxed. And everything seemed okay for him. Despite how broken hearted I was and still am after all he said.Now he wont pick up to me... he always picks up to me no matter what...This feels like a nightmare....
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (3 November 2008):
 It might be hard to hear, but don't you think that it's better to know the truth?
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A
female
reader, Vintage Venus +, writes (2 November 2008):
Vintage Venus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's what I feel too.
But I'm scared to know what it is.
He's my everything. I couldn't handle anything very well right now.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (2 November 2008):
I still think there's something else under the surface that needs to get out. Perhaps something he's embarrassed to discuss or perhaps he's not sure how you might respond and is therefore hesitant to bring it up...
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A
female
reader, Vintage Venus +, writes (2 November 2008):
Vintage Venus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI worded myself wrong. He's only interested in having relations after I have come to him upset about him not being interested for a long time.And no no no. I don't control his hobbies. I meant something like. I wanted a man into cars, movies, games, and travel. The last 4 are because I love those things. And being into cars is just so manly to me. And I love a manly man.I have gone to him about his problems. And it only turns out that he's stressed about this and that and this and that. But thing is... I don't see how that stops him from enjoying our moments together. I have my own stress too; but it will never alter my love.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (2 November 2008):
All you have said is basically that your relationship has been through hardships... and that he doesn't want to have sex with you when you are upset... and that he's a bit stressed... and he's not ready to get married.
But then you imply that he's some how withdrawn his love completely....
If he's stressed at work then help him find another job. Try not to have a go and be so picky all the time and just relax and enjoy being together.
If you are both happy at home then things will get better.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (2 November 2008):
From purely the "guy's point of view" here, we tend to be reclusive creatures. We tend to want to have solo time and follow our own interests... so, the first thing that tossed up a flag in my mind is are you really trying to control what hobbies and interests he has? I really hope that I misinterpreted that!
Continuing, I really think that this is a hard question to answer. It really requires crawling around in your boyfriend's head and finding what's really bothering him. I don't think it's all the obstacles you two have shared. If anything, I would say that there's some lingering doubt that hasn't been satisfactorily dealt with. Somehow, you need to draw that out of him. The reasons he's handed you are a bit flimsy. There is definitely something else at play here in my opinion... your challenge will be getting him to voice them, discuss them openly with you and (honestly) decide if you have a future together or if you both should consider moving on with your lives.
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