A
female
age
41-50,
*elarm
writes:my ex and i broke up 4 months ago. We were together on and off for 22 yrs. We have a 10 yr old son together. My ex took our son away for a week without me for a boys bonding week – but i felt a little left out. Any way while they were away i had a massive row with my ex on the phone and said some things that i didn’t mean – including that it was over between us. When they got back things were okish between us – we were not back together but things were heading that way. Now in order to take our son away my ex had to borrow money off him – as i hadn’t been paid i couldn’t give him any cash to go away with. He is self employed and a payment for a job had been delayed. My ex is very very proud but took the money anyway. For the last 18 months of our relationship i have been practically supporting him due to the recession. Just after they got back things took a turn for the worse. My ex promised our boy that he would pay him back the money within a week. He didn’t – still hasn’t in fact. When i tried to ring him he wouldn’t return my calls or texts – he basically hid from us for nearly a month. He didn’t contact or see our son in all that time – he is usually a fab dad. I had my son sobbing and crying himself to sleep every night because he thought his dad had left him. I was so angry with my ex that i rung his mum and told her what had been going on – i was very nice - as i am very friendly with his parents, ive known them since i was 12 - but explained the situation and said i didn’t know what to do. The next thing i know my ex is seeing our son but saying he doesn’t want to see me. About a week later i tried to make things right between us – so i rang him and he told me that and i quote “i cant be with you anymore” so i said “you mean you don’t want to be with me anymore” and he said “no, i cant be with you” – he ended up losing his temper with me – he has never done that before. So i left it at that. A week later i had to ring him about our son and he lost his temper again with me he told me “i don’t love you anymore” so i asked him to swear on our boys life that he is telling the truth – he refused. He also told me that he fell out of love with me during the phone call when they were away. But the real problems started when i told his mum about the money. So as hurt as i was i thought he was just saying it out of anger. We ended up agreeing to try and be friends for our sons sake. About two weeks later we were speaking by email on fb and he said “i have and will always love you as a friend, but the love of being together is not there anymore – i wish it was but its not – im sorry” – as you can imagine i was crushed. But i kept it together and didn’t do anything hasty. We ended up speaking every day for the next 9 days over one thing or another and he was the one who was ringing me. Anyway i hadn’t heard from him for a few days and he was due to see our son so i rang him to ask him what time he is picking him up and he went crazy. He said some things which hurt me deeply and i don’t know whether i will ever be able to forgive – although im trying. He picked up our son and went. Two days later he send me an email on fb saying “SORRY for what i said” so i replied “forget it, at least the truth came out at last and now i know what you really think of me” to which he replied “no you don’t – i think a lot of you, but you make me angrier than anyone else i know – u know i don’t get angry but you make me so angry.....so bring me some beer....lol”I ended up accepting his apology. We had a lovely Halloween together. A few days after Halloween i found out that he had lied to me about where he was and i couldn’t figure out why he would lie – so i emailed him, i thought he was lying because he had met someone else and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings – as soon as he read the email he rang me at 2am to explain where he had been – i had got the wrong end of the stick completely. He said and i quote “you think too much and you get yrself all upset for no reason – i bet you feel stupid now ive told you the truth don’t you....lol” surely he wouldn’t have rung me at 2 in the morning if he didn’t care? Then we had bonfire night together which was fab – he stayed until midnight - in fact things were the way they used to be between us. But now i feel that he is backing off and i don’t know what to do. He went out yesterday and he always rings me to pick him up but he didn’t – he even rings when we have argued. We have even booked to take our son to an event in April 2011 and he wants us to buy our sons xmas prezzies together......im so confused. He is giving out mixed signals. Im confused about the anger issue too – he was never angry with me when we were together but now it seems that he is angry with me all the time – i have told him it has to stop. Surely if he didn’t have feelings for me he wouldn’t get angry with me – especially when i haven’t don’t anything?He still has a key to my house which i have asked for back loads of times but he ignores my requests – its as if he cant hear me asking. He uses his key when he comes here. What i want to know is whether he still loves me or not? My mum and friends think he is afraid of his feelings and he does love me and will come back.
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broke up, crush, money, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): He sounds pretty unstable to me - mentally and emotionally. He is unpredictable and inconsistent.
this is a form of emotional abuse
emotional abusers often don't intend to be abusive nor do they know that what they are doing is abusive but still it is abusive because of its effect on the victim. You are a classic victim - the good times keep you hanging in there so that you can continue to suffer the bad times. You are utterly confused by his crazymaking.
As for the anger issue - no clue what that's all about.
it is really hard to say if he loves you or not. Or even if he does love you, so what - does it mean he will act more stable?
it could be he is just one very confused individual. if such is the case then maybe even he himself doesn't know if he loves you or not.
if you have been together on and off for 22 years but all the weirdness only started recently since he took your son on a trip....has he suffered recent head/brain injuries? PTSD? head injuries can damage certain parts of the brain and lead to emotional instability and impaired mental functioning leading to erratic behavior.
A
female
reader, kelarm +, writes (15 November 2010):
kelarm is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni forgot to add that he told me that he loved me before he went away with our son but didnt love me when they got back - says he fell out of love with me during the argument we had. to me that sounds ridiculous - as far as im aware ppl dont fall out of love during one phonecall.
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