A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know what i did was wrong but if someone can try and answer my question without the lecture I would be so grateful!I started seeing a guy from work and totally fell for him. Despite being in two serious relationships for over 3 years each time, it was totally different with this guy. I never experienced chemistry like it and was even questioning whether I had ever been in love before because no body could make me feel like he did. He seemed completely smitten too. And despite what you might read below I know he cares/d for me.I only started working there in March and he left only last week, hes also 9 years older if that makes a difference. Pretty much from day one we flirted and got a long really well, however it wasnt until a month or so later that we went on our first date. On our first date he told me how he'd previously had a girlfriend, they had gotten together in February but had broken up as she had gone travelling. Anyway that completely went out of my mind as he totally swept me off my feet. I was having the best time of my life until he tells me a few month in, that he never actually broke up with his girlfriend and she was coming home at the end of August. I was so shocked that he could do such a thing but at the same time he had only been with her 2 months before she went travelling and he had only spoken to her via email whilst she was away so he hadnt had the opportunity to end the relationship. He said he had completely fallen for me and he knew he didnt want to be with her and would end it once she got home. I decided I didnt want to continue seeing him until it was over so I told him so. To which he accepted, since then I've seen him at work and called over his a few times for tea but nothing at all has happened. Although I must say we've sat at the other end of the room from each other and not allowed any physical contact. It has been really hard. Anyway the thing is the girlfriend is now home. I went over the other day after work and see her toothbrush, make up etc so I can only assume he has no intention of breaking up with her.I need to know a few things really. I ended it as I felt bad, is it now my place to bring up him ending things with her?Also does he really care for her if me and him had something that good?Also as he has now left work I wont see him around and have no reason to contact him other than as a 'friend', The thought of never seeing him again actually breaks my heart. But is it best just to cut my losses?I know you will all say you dont want to be with him anyway, he's a cheat. But despite of this, i do. Please help
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 September 2013):
 of course you want to be with him.
BUT DON'T do it.
if you want ANY shot in hell of making it work with him go 100% NO CONTACT with him.
do not call him
do not take his calls
do not email him or text him or accept or respond to his emails and texts
UNITL the first girl is gone gone gone, you are nothing but a bit on the side. do you want to be treated like that?
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 September 2013):
 OP, I'm going to give you a lecture because this is ridiculous (it pressed my anger button).
Why did you stay friends with him after he admitted lying to you and cheating on his girlfriend? Where are your boundaries and values? Why do you even want a guy like this? Don't you think you deserve better?
You know, I can imagine him at the pub talking with his mates saying "yeah, Milly's back from her travelling now. I told Molly all about her, and she wasn't happy but I reckon she'll be up for it if I get tired of Milly".
OP, show yourself some love and respect. Ask yourself WHY you WANT to be with a cheat and a liar. Is it because your self esteem is that low that you think you can't do better, or is it an ego thing that you want him to choose you over her?
Please, please walk away with your head held high because you're on the brink of making yourself look incredibly stupid, and you're already getting hurt by this arsehole.
Sorry but I feel you need some tough love and a reality check.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2013):
 I consulted my "Guys' book of how to keep two girls on the string" and found this:
"Once you've got two girls going for you... make sure to avoid giving any sort of definitive answers to those specific questions that they (both) are sure to ask..."
"Make sure that your "non-answers" infer that you are still in love (with both of them)... and that SHE is "the only girl you could ever love.""
This will work until one (or both) of them comes to her (their) senses.... at which point you will be screwed, and will not get sex from either of them. So.... of course, if you are a careful guy, you will already have made arrangements to have "girl No 3" on the hook and available once these two finish jilting you.....
Hope this helps.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 September 2013):
I hope this doesn't come across as a lecture. He cheated on his girlfriend and lied to you. He's not that special a guy, believe me. And you know that. It will take a while for your heart to catch up with what your brain knows.
Sounds like he fancied a fling while his GF was away and didn't realise it would develop. I'm sure he does care for you both, just not enough to be honest to either of you.
I certainly don't think you should ask him if he's ended things with her. In fact I think you should completely distance yourself. Stop calling around for tea. Stop all contact. Thank your lucky stars you don't have to see him at work.
He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He keeps you on the back burner while he assesses whether or not he really likes this woman who he'd only known for 2 months. I wouldn't want to be treated as an option for anyone, especially not a liar and a cheat.
Sorry that this may have sounded like a lecture, but I have to be honest about how I see the situation. I'm sorry for what's happened and completely understand that you're upset. Bottom line is that I think you should step away, stop contact. Let yourself move on.
All the best.
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