A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need some advice on what to do about my friendship with this guy. Everythings been blown far out of proportion. Basically these past 5 months hes changed loads. I know people change and move on but some come back and realise and others don't. I was just wondering if there was any hope. He went to work abroad for a month, and it did him alot of good, however it also pushed him way over the top. . It did teach him to stand up for himself as he'd never really done that in the past. However the attitude he takes now is appawling and recent events have proved that alot.He used to have strong religious beliefs, and still does. One of which was no sex before marriage. For 20 years he stuck by it and always faught back when people tried to pressure him. Until one time he ave into pressure, and regretted it. This was afew years ago and after that he still thought the same, no point sleeping with someone unless your serious. However after he went abroad he seemed to change and not in a good way. We had abit of a fall out and he admitted he needed to calm down, this was nothing to do with the sex thing just in general. However then he got a new gf. Now i've known him years and know how much sleeping with the person he did wrecked him and I just said to him please be careful and don't rush into as as you know she has slept about and you know she wants sex. He promised he wouldn't. However a week later everything changed.He did sleep with her, he practically lived with her for 2 weeks in a house she was looking after, and they had only been togther afew weeks. He spends every day and night when he and her aren't at work together, and I know people see each other alot at the start of relationships but it seems abit much. Especially when he spends all day with her, goes to work n then goes round for an hr at 1am after work and then see's her the next day. And the best bit is that has upset me, is, he even said hes not bothered about coming out with us anymore and when he does see his friends she goes with him.Anyway we had a big argument, which I admit was my fault as I went the wrong way about it and because I was so annoyed he'd made no effort to come out with us and then realised he didn't even have a social life of his own cuz all he wanted was her I flipped out and went the wrong way about everything I said. Basically cuz I've been there to pick up the peices, when I found out they'd lept togethr and practically been living togethr after 2 weeks i made a sarcastic comment about how he promised he wouldn't do it and that he'd be careful and wait. Of course their relationship is nothing to do with me so please don't give me a lecture about that. Rather than just talking to him one day and saying be careful don't you think your rushing I said it as in to state how stupid he'd been as I was annoyed at how much he'd changed.Anyway we argued, nothing we'd not argued about before, we've had plenty and usually it'll carry on for a day or two then soon enough we'll sort it, job done. But in the argument he was making himself out to be something he wasn't, and that him and her were so alike and that hes just like her. When to be honest, she was the least type of person we expected him to go with. He's given up the sex thing for her and got all defensive over it. But he said at one point, look i gave her what she wanted(in terms of sex) and is she still with me and does she love me? yes! So i said of course she does if she's getting what she wants. At least if she'd of waited for you you would have known she really wanted you for you. Obviously its his choice and I'm not saying she doesn't its jsut with her past you'd think he;d of ben more careful, but i all seems very obbessive like they are joint at the hip. Espeically since he doesn't want to come out no more.He was always a guy that made time for his friends, his own life, and when he had a gf, his gf. He never changed his life for a girl and never made her his life to the point where he only see's his friends if she is there too, and it's not like they've been together long enough for it to be love.Thing is, its complicated because last year me and him had abit of a thing, which didn't end well, he ended it by the way. He wasn't with me like he has been other girls. others he has been fine, confident and happy with. Me he'd known for years yet was very shy and nervous and never really invited me round or anything. And everytime we argue he throws that back which is what he did this time. It has nothing to do with that at all. I know we will never be together and he knows that. He has his life I have mine. Everytime i try and show I care he hates it. I'm over him, its in the past.As I say usually we'd just argue and sort it later on. But since I've always thought of this girls hes been with to be a slag she got involved and messaged me on facebook. At first just having ago. I did fight back in defense to myself but didn;t say anything about him due to causing fights, I stated clearly I wasn't willing to discuss it with her as I'm his friend not hers. But the last message was a bit of a shock, saying we aren't friends anymore, sorry he's chosen me, so leave us alone (in slightly harsh words) and also that apprantly no male would find me attractive. I couldn;t believe he let her say that to me even thought he was mad at me. I also couldn't believe he got her to tell me he didn't want to be mates when he should of done it. This same night that she messaged me he also sent me a weird text and started liking this on my profile, which I am sure was her not him. Either way he know's shes doing it.Two days later I plucked up the courage and sent him an angry text saying why did you get her to message me, its your place to tell me if you don't want to be friends etc. This was via text, which he never replied to, yet I got home that night to find he'd blocked me on facebook. I have no idea why he has blocked me, especially since I didn't send him a message on facebook. We've fell out before and he hasn't blocked me. Wasn't even just a "remove as a friend". I text to ask why, and got no answer. I haven't spoken to him since as I don;t want to seem like I am running back to him since he has treated me like crap before and I've gave in. Hes always been abit odd with me as a friend but I've never had this. So don;t know whether its anything to do with her. But why wouldn't he tell me himself? Why would he let her do it? They had only been together 3 weeks. Seriously it wouldn't suprise me if he was stupid enough to get her pregnant or commit to her as shes his life now.Even so, I don't know what to do, yes I said things the wrong way which was my fault but how stupid hes been is not my fault. Nor is it my fault the way he treated me. Even so it was no reason to block me. He has gone abit over the top with the sticking up for himself as he said to me and quite afew mates after afew days of being with her, that if we say one word about her we're gone and it came across quite bad. Does he hate me truely or will he ever realise and miss me and ant to sort this?Also he seems to have changed so much since he's been with her. Will he ever come back to his old self and realise? Please can you give me some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): Okay...this is long so I'm just gonna focus on the relationship part, he chose to have sex so leave it be, let him deal with his guilt don't feel bad for him.Yes they are moving along to fast but AGAIN that is his choice, leave it be. My older friend told me never to change yourself for anybody after he broke up, which I took that advice. Some people learn this the hard way and some people believe they owe it to there love. Either way people see things differently and you have to respect that. People cutting time away from there friends for love is a part of life, I've done it, my dad's done it, most of the wise people on this site has done it, it's showing commitment to someone you like and you'll probably do it eventually too, it's life. If he is willing not to be your friend then let him have what he wants, if he ever changes he'll come back saying sorry...
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