A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is sleeping with guys 'too soon' sabotaging potential for a relationship?I've always thought of sex very casually, and don't have problems sleeping with guys after a few dates. Often times I'm the one that makes the first move. I enjoy sex, but I'm starting to feel like I have to choose between that and respect. I realize that there always has been and always will be stigma, but does sleeping with a guy early on take me off the radar completely as "girlfriend material"?I've been single for a while, and I think I'm ready to have a boyfriend again, so should I start waiting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): I have done this too. I have been casual about sleeping with men after a few dates and have discovered that it does make a difference. My view is that guys are wired to be pursuers and if you let them wait, they will value the relationship more in the long run. If they get the "catch" or "goal" too early then they feel like they missed out on the chase and that you weren't as valuable as someone else who does make them wait. I think deep down they still divide women into "slutty" i.e., easy and "good girls" i.e., those who make them wait longer. The second ones they have more respect for.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 March 2008):
 If you always do what you've always done you will always get what you always got. So, why not do things differently this time around and see what happens. No harm in waiting. I do believe that men respect women more if they wait until after a few dates to have sex. For me, once I've slept with someone, it was always harder to end things and if you sleep with someone too early, you don't really know them. But that's just me and I've been out of the dating loop for 20 years so what do I know.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Double standards are mentioned, too bad they exist, but exist they do. You can fight them if you want too. Good luck with that, if anything I think people are getting MORE conservative not less so. Sometimes I think the sexual revolution never happened.
Complain all you want but society still sees man as the hunter and the woman as the prey. Rant all you want against this, you and I don't make the rules.
If the woman is the prey then it is her role to evade as long as possible so the hunter can do his job and feel satisfaction in the hunt AND the kill. If fish just jump in your net, chop their own head off and cook themselves, their would be fewer fishermen. You don't go on a safari to hunt puppies that come running towards with big eyes and paw at your shotgun.
By holding out, the woman tests wether the man is serious about the relationship. To see if he is NOT just after a one night stand. There are a LOT of reasons for this.
The simplest is that if you get it wrong to often you risk a reputation. The second is that is that while you are messign around with the wrong guy the right guy might pass you by. Then there is STD's and pregnancy.
On the whole it is not in the woman's intrest to sleep with a guy too soon. Rant all you want about double standards, you ain't going to change the world in your lifetime, it hasn't changed in 40+ years.
Men are odd creatures, we turn on godmode in computer games and then complain it is too easy. We want to sleep with women on the first date and then complain they are sluts.
Not defending it, just saying how I see people behave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Of the 4 girlfriends who I dated after my divorce from my first wife, I slept with 2 on the first date and 2 on the second date. I was 34 at the time and it was many years ago. They were all my age. I always thought that the first date was too soon and would try slowly on the second date so that they could say no. The 2 who I slept with on the first date were because they made it clear that they wanted to have sex with me when I took them home from our date. The 2 who I slept with on the second date told me later that they wanted to on the first date, but appreciated te fact that I didn't try. I never thought of any of them as cheap or too easy for this, although I did have a little trouble accepting that my one girlfriend had slept with 10 boyfriends in 3 years on the first date with them. However, I had the most trouble accepting that 3 of the 10 were pickups and one night stands. Of course, she is the one who I have been with for the past 29 years and we have had a very good marriage for the past 22 years. She is also the one was the most appreciative of the fact that I didn't try to get sex from her on the first date and very much liked that I went very slowly on the second date. We both fondly remember that night.
I would say that if you like the guy and want to sleep with him after just a few dates, then do so. The only thing that I caution is that if you do this with too many guys then the one who you want may have trouble accepting your past behavior. It depends on how he was taught to think of women who do that in his youth by his parents. I, unfortunately, was taught for years that a woman like this was unworthy and cheap. Those teachings were very difficult for me to overcome.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Personally, I think it can really effect your relationship. But it depends what type of guy you go for. If you go for a loving, genuinely nice guy, if you go and have sex with him after 2 dates then he's gonna think you're a bit of a slut, to be honest. But if he's had a past as a player, well, you're both as bad as each other to be totally honest with you. Respect should come before pleasure.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Hi,
there is a double standard out there in the dating world for sure.
And I believe that if a guy doesnt see you as relationship material if you slept with him so soon, then you are better off without him if he judges you like that. Why would you want a relationship with someone with such archaic morals anyway?
But in the real world, there are a hell of a lot of guys like that so its up to you really. It's best to wait before you sleep with someone anyway, first you find out for yourself if you like them as a person and secondly the anticipation that builds up before the first sexual contact is worth the wait!
good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Let's face it, most guys would sleep with a woman on a first date if given the opportunity. Those same guys wouldn';t consider themselves 'easy', they'd consider themselves 'studs'.
I'm not one for double standards, so if that's what you want to do, then why not do it? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
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