A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I could do with some advice, preferably from people who have experience with gambling issues or with a partner (current or ex) who has or had a gambling problem.A few years ago I reconnected with my first love from high school. We began a relationship, although long distance and it still is. We see each other 4 times a year at least and talk every day, several times a day and video chat at weekends. I usually visit him because I have a car.At the start, I noticed he was sometimes secretive about his phone, and despite having a great job, he never seemed to have any money left at the end of the month. At first I excused it away as maybe he was paying quite a lot of child support, as he has a 14 year old daughter to his previous marriage. But then one day taking out the trash while he was at work, the bag split and out fell a few days worth of receipts from gambling on what looked like multiple soccer and football games. I looked at them and they were bets placed every single day at around the same time, usually at the same betting place, shortly after the time he would leave for work in the afternoon or evening for his specific shift, and always for at least 20 dollars. Sometimes he told me he had to go buy credit for his cell, so would need to leave for work early, but I noticed he once said this to me three days in a row, which was odd, as he usually topped up once every few weeks. When I checked his cell history, he had been on gambling sites and checking results almost continuously all the time he was at work and as soon as he walked out of the door to travel to work.I then started keeping an eye on what was being thrown in the trash whenever I was there, and sure enough, he was gambling every single day. This made me really concerned, but I figured he could afford it, and it was his money, and it was not my place to ask or even interfere.Then he got laid off. And somehow he had zero savings from working a 35k job a year for almost 2 years and having super low rent. Again, I excused it away as child support.Then he started asking to borrow money for food when I was visiting, and I was happy to give him the money. I gave him 50 dollars the other day and he came in with 30 dollars of food. Then later I found slips for betting for 10 dollars... so he had gambled some of my money for food. This happened again on another two occasions. His phone broke and he asked to borrow money to get a cheap replacement. I said I had no spare cash, so he went to two friends, borrow around 50 dollars and gambled 10 of that. When I found out I was livid and called him out on it and he told me it was none of my business. Once he had calmed down, I tried to talk to him about gambling but he denied to my face that he was even doing it and that gambling is wrong, sinful etc etc.Has anyone here any experience of dealing with a gambler? I feel like I need to cut my losses at this stage, although I love him, I just see a bleak future where my finances would be exploited. He won't even admit he has a problem, but someone who can't afford to eat and borrows money to buy groceries, then blows some or all of it on betting and cannot see he has a problem is never going to change, right?? If I try to bring it up he is angry and defensive and has now simply got better at hiding it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2019): This is not the guy for you.He is a addict.Yes his addiction is gambling but he is still a addict.Addicts lie beg borrow and steal so why would you want a headache like that? My brother in law is one.Lost his kids his wife and his house but still to this day still gambles.He took out credit cards in his wife's name and online gambled over thirty thousand dollars away.Emptied out his 401k no more retirement. Then he said he was depressed and got on disability and now gambles away taxpayer money.He will never stop.This is who he is.Watch things like your purse your mail...because of credit card offers...and anything valuable that is not nailed down.He will steal from you he will lie to you.You are best just staying away from that you can never change someone like that no matter how hard you try.I really hope you never have him a key to your house if you did change those locks asking for it back is no good because an addict like that would have already made a copy.Make sure when you leave your house it is always locked up tight.Stop enabling him and distance yourself from him.After over forty years of watching this destruction please understand when I say run far and fast from this guy.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 May 2019):
 I think your best bet (pun not intended) would be to contact a gamblers anonymous for family/friends support site and get help..
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/gam-anon-help-family-friends
However, what you MIGHT also want to consider is that HE has NO intention of stopping. YOU enable him when you give him money (even if it's for food) Because he will RATHER starve than NOT gamble. When he was working (if he spend $20 every working day) he spend $4,400 a year which is MORE than 10% of his income.. ON just gambling. He OBVIOUSLY didn't win big at any time so my guess is when he did win, that money went straight back into the gambling so we COULD be talking 5-6,000 a year.
He gets angry and defensive when you bring it up, because he is "addicted" and it might ALSO have been why his ex dumped him. He knows he shouldn't DO it, but he doesn't WANT to stop because he thinks gambling is the WAY out of financial problems.
I think the best thing you can do it find all the information on Gambling Anonymous in his area, give it to him and then tell him, that you hope he seeks help and that you can't continue to watch him do this to himself.
And yes, IT will take a toll on your finances. Has he paid you back yet? My guess is no. He isn't really asking to borrow he is asking you to give. It won't be large amounts, but over time, YOU would be the one wasting 1,000s on HIS gambling habit.
If he doesn't prioritize his KID over gambling... do you think he would prioritize you? Or even himself?
Unfortunately, you can't MAKE someone change. But you can decide if it's a deal-breaker for you or not.
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