A
female
age
51-59,
*cyang
writes:Hello,I am new to the site, and have a question regarding a new date I had. I met this man online, who seems to have the qualifications I want a potential mate to have. We met once last month at a restaurant. It went quite well. He gave me a kiss on the cheek when we parted. He sent me email the next day saying he enjoyed the time and would like to see me again. I said I was willing. We are both busy working professionals, and our work/travel schedules caused us to not be able to meet again until last Friday night, which is about 3 weeks after the initial date. We exchanged emails every day during that period, and he seemed to be interested in the whole time. Last Friday he picked a park for us to go hiking and then dinner after that. We spent almost 4 hours together, talking about all kinds of things, work, politics, kids, life, wine, cooking. He asked me why and when my previous marriage ended, and I was perfectly honest and open about it. After he ordered dessert, he asked if he could move from sitting across the table from me to sitting next to me on the same side, as he "felt he was very far from me". His hand touched me lightly a couple of times during the conversation, in a pretty natural way. As we parted in the parking lot, he leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Neither of us said anything about meeting again or what the next step should be, as was the case in our 1st date. When I didn't hear from him within a day, I sent him an email last night saying that I'd like to remind him to send me the list of books on management that he'd mentioned during our date, and how much I enjoyed the pleasant evening with him. (He had asked me to remind him about the books, or else he said he wouldn't be able to remember.) The intention of my email was of course to see where things are with us. Do any of you have an assessment of what he might be thinking/feeling based on his behavior? Is this a clue that he's not interested?
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female
reader, scyang +, writes (19 July 2011):
scyang is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your feedback! I have really learned a few things from you. I need to tone it down and take things slower.
So the consensus is that I should leave this date alone and not respond, correct? For him to communicate the way he did is a clear indication that he is not so interested, right?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2011):
 RedAthena has given you great advice. I'd like to add a thought here.
If you force someone to give you a solid yes/no answer before they are entirely sure, you will get a 'no'. The point of dating is to see if there's a compatibility and sometimes attraction increases given time. If you push for a solid answer too soon, you will almost always be told 'no.' Give them a chance to get to know you and for you to know them before you push for a commitment one way or the other.
It is perfectly fine to date more than one person before you commit to any one person. In fact, it may alleviate some of laser-like intensity you seem to be displaying toward your dates. Too much too soon generally is a red flag for most people.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 July 2011):
 RE: online dating companies that focus on personality matching. Check out sites like Eharmony.com or Match.com.
Keep in mind there are NO PERFECT dating sites! People will misrepresent themselves on ANY site. You need to read up a lot on dating as well. There is an awesome site called "Dating with out Drama" that really set me straight.
Dating IS hard. You might have to go thru 100 stinky oysters to get one pearl.
RE: Your date-good thing he contacted you and he was up front with you. I think he is being very direct and kind with you. While he may be unsure, he is clearly saying that the chemistry was not up to par for him.
He is a bit vague, but he maybe commenting that you were a bit too serious? Perhaps your intentions, although good, are a bit too intense.
Since he mentions he has dated before and usually "sees where it goes" and decided to be up front with you, I think he is telling you that he is not going to invest much more.
He likes you and finds you attractive, but I think that is where it is going to stop. If he wanted more, he would have asked you out again.
Keep in mind, that this does not mean anything is wrong with you! This is just not a good combination. It happens a lot.
A friend of mine called it a "false start". Think of race horses at the gate before a big race. SO much intent, so much energy and promise and they are OFF! Then somewhere around the 2nd quarter lap...fizzle.
I would not respond to him, even though he asked what do you think?
Your emotions and resources are limited and you have to reserve them for better things. Back to the dating drawing board.
Also, if you think that you are too serious or intense on a date, it is time to relearn how to just ENJOY going out and getting to know someone.
Enjoy your evening out, the converstation, the food, the event, the location, etc. ENJOY LIVING. If you have a message playing in the back of your head all the time wondering where the date is going to go, overthinking his every move and thought, and what his intentions are....you actually will drive him away right from the start.
Your attitude will reflect your thoughts, even if your words do not. If you are TOO focused on examining each date as commitment material too early, then it makes you appear desperate.
Sometimes, it is just nice to go out with a nice guy, have a great meal, a toe-curling kiss, fun conversation, flirty innuendo, etc. I had to learn just to appreciate THAT.
The first few dates with someone is just assessing that connection and chemistry. After you get a few of those under your belt, then you can dig deeper.
I date thru a dating website, so all the big time important stuff was discussed via profile discussion and email prior to setting up the meet and greet. So, by the time we get to the meet and greet, it is just seeing how we interact.
If nothing more comes from it, well at least I had a nice time! That TIME spent IS valuable. Learning those dating skills, even if the guy does not stay around, is a very important social skill.
It is that "trying people on for size" that helps me realize more specifically what I want in my future life partner.
The last man I dated for almost 6 mos until I really had to be honest that he was not life partner material. Yes, I got hurt, but I got OVER it. I do not feel like I wasted my time with him, because I learned MORE about myself and what I wanted.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, scyang +, writes (18 July 2011):
scyang is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRedAthena, can you tell me what you consider a "reputable" online dating site?
Here is some more follow-up information. My date emailed me last night saying "I know you take this dating thing very seriously and have limited and precious time. I like you and I am attracted to you, but I'm not sure the chemistry for me rises to the level of your "seriousness". Frankly, with most women I'd just date them for a bit and see where it went, but I just felt I needed to be upfront and honest with you. What do you think???"
This came from my comment that I took relationship seriously during our date and some other references along the same line in our email exchange prior.
What is your feeling on where he is on things? Count him out or respond to him?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 July 2011):
I know it seems really awkward, but BECAUSE you want to find a meaningful relationship, do not pin yourself down to just ONE guy unless there is a clear interest in mutual exclusivity.
I know a lot of women feel really weird dating more than one guy at a time. We are talking about DATING, not sleeping with. Its that getting to know you phase. A lunch here, a coffee there, etc.
The protocol is going to change from man to man, depending on his own comfort level. Very frustrating I know. We are in the same age bracket. When I used to date in my 20's there seemed to be more of a set pattern of what you could expect. Not now.
What I HAVE learned is that if a man is REALLY into you, he will set up his NEXT date with you ASAP, esp if he mentioned upcoming freetime.
I no longer worry about if a guy does not "book" me in advance. I have a rather full life like you. But, if he DOESNT call me and make a date and we are NOT In a committed realtionship, I date other people if asked.
Dating around is not a bad thing. I also suggest going with a more reputable online dating site that matches personalities, values, etc. Let them do the work and go out with 2-3 potentials in a week! You are just meeting them for a casual and simple daytime meet and greet. You might be suprised!
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A
female
reader, scyang +, writes (18 July 2011):
scyang is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith the many responsibilities professionally and personally, it's really difficult to find suitable people I could date. When I find one, I really would like to explore the potential. I don't like to date around but would rather have a mature, meaningful and committed relationship. That's why it bothers me when this date seemed to have a lot of interest, up to the time we parted on our 2nd date, then he sort of went MIA. Is typical that a man to wait a couple of days to get in touch with a woman even if he's really interested? Or does he call/write right away to show his interest? I have not been in the dating scene so I don't know the protocol.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 July 2011):
Since I see that he did email you back and said he would get back to you-take it as a sign he is busy.
Right now, you do not have a relationship. YOU are still a free agent too.
From what you shared on your date, there is some chemistry, but you have'nt not been out enough to really assess each other for relationship compatibility.
All you can do is see if he steps up to the plate.
In the meanwhile, YOU are still single. You are free to date others and SHOULD. DO not wait for this guy and do not text/email/call him back. Let him lead if he is interested. You already put forth that you are interested.
You have done your part and enjoyed some nice dates. Anything more is up to him to offer. If he does'nt that does not mean anything is WRONG with you. It just means he is not that into you.
When he does call for a date (if he texts, ask him to call!)
ONLY offer time that really works for your schedule. Remember, you are not in a relationship yet and now is not the time to cancel other plans or priorities for a "maybe". You are looking for someone that fits into YOUR life well...and someone that you can fit into THEIR life well.
No worries, no anxiety. Keep yourself on the market too!
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A
female
reader, scyang +, writes (17 July 2011):
scyang is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is not a question of passion, which I believe both he and I have plenty of. But in our stage of life when we both have kids and are working professionals in management positions, living some distance apart, time is at a premium. Life's responsibilities dictate that it's not so easy for us to meet, and some communications would have to take place via email or phone.
On a separate note, I just received an email reply from him saying that he's on the road and would respond to me later. However that still doesn't tell me if he will just respond by providing me with a list of books that I was asking for, or respond in terms of our relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): I think you two need to step up the romance and do less assessing.
Just because you're not in you're twenties anymore doesn't mean you can't take risks and be passionate!
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