A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner left me in the fall of last year and since then I've been looking after her daughter and our 5 kids and I'm coping pretty terribly. The eldest three are teenagers so they don't really need any looking after but the younger three are 2-year-old twins and 7-years-old and I can't cope with them at all. I'm not very well and I just don't have the energy to look after them. I feel like I've really let them down because I'm not a very good Dad. Their Mom doesn't really see them and last I heard she was still with the guy she left me for. But at the beginning of the year she wanted to get back with me and now I'm really thinking about it for the kids' sake. Just to give the kids the best life I can. Because I sure can't cope on my own. Does anybody have an experience of getting back with a partner after splitting up? Especially when kids are involved? It'll mean us moving house again to be back in their Mom's house but I don't think they'll mind because they hate living where we are at the moment. Any general advice about getting back with my ex as smoothly as possible would be really appreciated, thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): You are doing a fantastic job....Im not sure that I would cope either. Perhaps the older kids could play a bigger role to the babies to give you a rest from time to time - it could earn them some pocket money or you could pay for them to go to the movies or something to thank them for the favour. You didnt say the age of your older children but I dont see why they cant pull a bit of weight to relieve you of some of your domestic duties, such as doing their own washing or washing up after a meal. Utilise them, its all good lessons for the future and it will be helping you out at the same time.
Also work will give you a little release but if you are better off financially out of work that just goes to show how badly the British system works....how are you ment to have the insentive to go out to work if you are better off at home? but thats another issue altogether. Im glad that you enjoy your job and will be returning to work, sometimes even thats enough to keep us sane.
I am wondering whether it is worth speaking with your doctor about the amount of stress that you are under, although sometimes the most likely offer is anti depressants they may be able to offer some form of counselling instead. Dont knock it till you have tried it, having someone that thinks differently to the way you do and may be able to approach your situation better might be able to make a real difference to the quality of life that you are leading.
The main thing to remeber is where theres a will, theres a way - I dont believe for one minute that your kids would be better off in care - you have to make it work!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): I did work until March of this year when I left my job for various reasons and I had a childminder back then. I'm looking for something else at the minute even though I'm financially much better off now I'm not working. I do love my job so I can't wait to get back to it really.
My ex wasn't a bad Mom when she lived with us but she prefers going out and socialising and also travelling to staying home and being a parent. She likes her freedom really. That's why her daughter's still with me; I got together with my ex when her daughter was a baby and I spent a lot of time looking after her. I love her as much as I love any of my own kids.
I don't have anyone I can ask for help. My kids are my family. They're all I've got. My ex doesn't want to take them for a part of the week and I don't know if I'd want her to. I'd miss them so much. It's catch 22: can't cope with them, can't cope without them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Hi, what a difficult life you lead...I am guessing that you can not go out to work either as you have nobody to watch the kids - even that would be a break and earning money at the same time.
I cant say that I understand the situation that you are in but as a mother of 2 I know if I ever left my marriage my kids would be coming with me regardless, so the mentality of your ex, in my mind has to be questioned.
If I were in your shoes I would have expected her to at the very least take her child, but the good man that you are accepted her within your family and have done your best to give all that you can to all of them, thats what determines a good parent.
I would have to say getting back together for the kids would be the wrong thing to do but I can understand that you see it as the only way to get help - and a rest.
Was she good with the kids when she was with you?? I just cant get my head around her abandoning her own children?
You are not a bad dad, you are struggling and who wouldn't be in your situation, there has to be someone that can provide you with some help, your parents or brothers and sisters, even if they will take one of the younger ones each maybe once a week, just so that you can recouperate. Or perhaps you could ask the help of the older kids, maybe ask if they could relieve you by taking the babies to the park or the shops? Dont be afraid to ask for help! nobody is judging you.
I really do sympothise but in all honesty, I think the woman doesn't deserve you or her kids. xx
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (6 May 2008):
First off why did she leave you with all her kids? does she not care about them???? doesnt she want to mother them????
I dont think geting back with her for the sake of the kids is a good idea. You need to be together because you both want to be with each other, not for the kids. Its better for a child to grow up in a home with split parents then oens who are together who fight non stop all the time.
I understand you must be having SO MUCH TROUBLE!!!! But rather then get back iwth her so she will help with the kids, havent you thoguht about her taking the kids sometime throughout the week? Sharing the responsibility?????
Have you talked to her about this? Does she not want to?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Wow!! why did she leave all the kids with you?. Im a mum and no way would I leave my children.
And dont say your not a good dad, you cant be that bad as you have kept the family together, with no help. So hats off to you, because I know many men that would not cope at all.
If your sure that you want to get back with thier mum, dont do it just for the kids. It has to be what you want as well or it wont work. It will take time to get over what she did to you, and will take a lot of hard work from both party's, but it can be done. It really depends on how willing you are to try. Seeing a marriagee councillor would be a good step.
Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.
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