A
female
age
51-59,
*urberry
writes:I was in an unhappy marriage,ready to leave.Met this married man and fell in love.Subsequently i drifted out of my marriage.Now am together with the married man,he really loves me and helps me out alot both financially and emotionally.Will it really work?I get extremely jealous when he mentions his wife but i have no choice because he seems really close to her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I was involved with a married man for four years.It was a good relationship until he told his wife about the affair due to religious belief. He broke up with me because of fear to loose his family.His wife was threatening to get a divorce. I had no choice but to let him go.I am recovering but never a day I don't think of him.I hate myself because I knew from the start this relationship is too complicated. For those who are in the same situation my only advice is to get out and move on with your life. The longer you are involved the harder it gets.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Just been through this myself. It takes a lot of thinking about. My partner was with his wife for over 20 years and occasionally he even calls me the wrong name. I didn’t take offence about that, but I did hate the private and sometimes angry phone calls between them that I had to tiptoe around the house during. Trying not to want to hear etc. I got cross about her divorce settlement as well, he let her have it all because he was threatened with never seeing his (grown up) kids again.
Once they were really close and they still are in a way because of the shared history. She will always be family, although more of a sister, plus a very important person as mother to his kids.
Things will shift and change, she will get a new partner and when she does this closeness will dilute rather a lot. I am still close to my ex husband and we all get together on our son’s birthday and are friendly/polite. Not close friends but there is an unspoken understanding that we still care for each other. Wouldn’t dream of being together again, no way! My ex husband’s girlfriend is 15 years younger than me and an ex model as well. A bit of self-belief which I have faught hard for.
What I would say is that if you love him you need to try to accept him and his past, he lived another life before you were around and it has to mean something. It would be bad to make him feel that he has no right to his memories or remember good times (with his wife or without).
Would you rather he said to you that he never loved his wife? I would be very worried if I though my man had been with someone all that time and
pretended to love them; what would that mean about his true feelings for me?
My partner’s wife is more beautiful than me facially (all this beauty everywhere, how do I survive?) and I know people have said things about that to him. I, however have a much more interesting mind (2 degrees, clever me) and I have a great figure (whereas she did not). I also love him to bits and can’t wait to get hold of him whenever possible. She was not really like that. My faults make me very interesting indeed! I completely and utterly adore my partner and it is that which he really wants and needs. Every time I have to meet another of his extended family I feel as though I am an exhibit and I feel very vulnerable. But I love him so much I get on with it.
There is also that feeling that if he left her he could leave you (I had it). I also know she suffered enormously thanks to me. Except when you analyse it, it was not me, it was their relationship that failed. There is no reason why yours should.
We all have our strengths and weaknesses, if you feel jealous say “STOP” to yourself and re-say the reasons why he is with you that she could not fulfill and why you are special. You just have to tough it out, not act like a little girl, this time will pass. The reason you need to tough it out is so that your relationship does not get damaged by you expressing things in the wrong way and that would be the way that makes him think you don’t believe in him or for that matter, yourself.
If you have something to say you could try following this:
1. Say what happened
“I see you called your ex wife today”
2. How it made you feel
“I felt jealous and I wish I didn’t”
3. What you want to happen
“So please can I have a squeezy hug?”
Whenever you can, add a tone of lightness or humour to what you say. It really turns situations around.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 My partner was married when we got together (they were unhappy though). The only advice I would give to you, is let him leave her first then you can be with him without having any mud thrown at you. Its very hard to live with the fact you broke up a marriage, even if you are in love. If this guy loves you he would understand you need him to leave her first, then be with you. If he wont then dont waste your time with him.
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