A
female
age
41-50,
*elenic
writes:Just a little of insight please. I have just foud out that my hub of 3 years have cheated on me for 4 months.We have 2 sons, the youngest was only 1 month old whne he started sleeping with the other woman. He works deployed 4 months on, 2 months off. Last vacations I got suspicious and went to his tablet. He forgot to erase the history there and i could see he loggeg on in an email account he never had before. I asked him about it, he denied, I confronted him, he was evasive, I demanded his password, he was reluctant but in the end he gave me. I could read all emails he was getting from his affair. I lost my senses, I shouted, I cried, I was devasted. In his last deployment,he went to the bar that all the employees gather together after work. He never goes but this time he had some guys that were begging him to go and he was going in the end because he got fed up of how much they were insisting on him to go. While he was there one night, his friends spoted a coworker dressed very appealing and they told my hub: look at her! she is looking at you! she is so cute, young and hot man!And he looked and they start flirting. After 3 days my husband was going to the bar just to see if she was there and if she was going to flirt with him again. In the end she followed him to his dorm and when he saw her at his door, he just opened the door and let her in. This went on for 2 months. They continued emailing each other for 2 months. Just stopped when I find out. He tells me she is not better than me in anything, sex was bad but he liked because was better than no sex at all, she wasn't moving, touching, she didnt know how to touch or perform oral sex,he thought he would never get caught, he was feeling great that his friends would be jealous of him because he was bedding her. He said it was better to have her there than to be alone(?!), he was feeling desirable and he was writing her to have confirmation that she found him amazing. Never ever he thought in replacing me. He never thought he was going to lose me.Today he is desperate for a second chance. It has been 2 months already, he is working now and i dont have him around. He is calling me 4,5, 6 times a day, crying, regreting every single moment what he had done.He says he cannot bear the pain of losing me and the kids, the family he always dreamed on. For nothing I lost everything I had, he keeps repeating. Am I being too harsh? Does he really deserve a second chance? My feelings for him had changed and I am not willing to take him back. He was so selfish, imature, insecure, shameless, he didn't regret then, only after I had found out. A cheater always a cheater? Is possible that someone can change this much?
View related questions:
affair, cheated on me, co-worker, flirt, insecure, jealous, oral sex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): Despite common belief, I actually believe in second chances. Or third, and so on...But at a price...total honesty and total loyalty.
I've been cheated on before. By two boyfriends. The first one ended up cheating on me again after I forgave him; I ended things after i found out again, but I still wanted to forgive him.
The second one, we are still together and he seems so scared to mess up (he cheated two years ago) that he calls me all the time and at the end of the day gives me a summary of his day to show me he wasn't up to no good. I find that sweet.
Some people do learn from their mistakes and want a chance to prove it WITH the people they hurt. Others take advantage of second chances and think they can do all they want.
But it might be more difficult for you since you're married. It depends on your situation? Are there children involved? If not it is just up to you to decide if he can learn from this or will just do it again.
He may be truly sorry, just like he may not be. But whether or not you get back together with him, you could simply forgive him for his mistake...
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 October 2012):
By second chance, do you mean a second chance to cheat again? Because thats what will happen....
...............................
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (30 September 2012):
OP if it was just sex and you believe he is honestly remorseful then he may turn into a truely faithful husband who learnt a lesson and will never do that again. Or he may become a repeat offender, I m afraid only you can really decide. Men and women need sex and if work makes you live apart then both men and women will often find a real person for casual satisfaction. Is that real cheating? When I was younger I would have said yes, kick him to the curb, but now I am not so sure.
It takes two to spoil a relationship and if you are busy with kids your relationship may have taken second place. Even when hes away you need to keep your relationship alive with sexy phone calls and skype video calls. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): He deserves a divorce. Actually, you deserve your freedom.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): Give him a chance as he has realised his mistake and he just might spend the rest of his life making up to you. Also you cannot guarantee that the next guy meet will be better. Sometimes its better the deveil you know.
We all have skeletons and are far from perfect, I think you should give him one more chance, also your kids deserve to have both parents.
...............................
A
female
reader, helenic +, writes (17 September 2012):
helenic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthese are his apologies, I keep telling that no matter what he chose to sleep with her over and over. I am not willing to take him back. I dont believe him, trust him. I am not scared of starting my life as a single mother. I was wondering if he can really change to a better person, to be a man that our boys could look after as a model in life. And I hope he never does this again to anyone. The person he will have a relationship next will be part of my kids life and I want him to be a better man and chose a good woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, 1sunshine +, writes (17 September 2012):
 YOUR husband made the choice and cheated on you. End of story in my book... There are absolutely NO excuses at all. He was well aware that he has a wife and beautiful children at home. That to me, is absolutely unforgivable.
I see that you are trying to justify his behavior. I understand that you want your family together. Can you really look at him the same way?? Me may have closed his Facebook act. but he is obviously a weak person and may do this to you again... just my honest opinion.
Have some pride in yourself and close the book on him. Good luck ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Every time I was CLOSE so very CLOSE to finally letting my guard down and trusting my now ex husband he would do something stupid again to stroke his fragile ego...
so if you go a year or two and he does nothing, you may find that it was a "one off" as folks here say... and that you can fix it.
I think if he closed his facebook account and he's being totally transparent I might give him a second chance... but that's me...
...............................
A
female
reader, helenic +, writes (17 September 2012):
helenic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for answering. My husband is the insecure type of guy. He cares too much about what others will think about him. He never asked any woman out because he is scared to death about rejection. Saying this, he never says no also. I was the only one he had the guts to ask me out because he really wanted me. When we were together, he cried like a baby so happy he was. And now this. he cheated on me.
He regrets every single moment and says he will for the rest of his life. He never thought he was going to be this kind of man. he had never cheated before and he chose me, with 2 kids to do so. He says we will change, he is changing, he will avoid any place and people that can lead him to this kind of situation.
He has no facebook anymore and I have full access to his email account. I feel bad because this is not the way a marriage was supposed to be. I want someone I can trust. And I think I will never trust him again.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
Well there is an old saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
and there is also the "three strikes and your out" rule
personally for me.... if i was married and had small babies and I loved my spouse I would probably give him a second chance BUT
EVERY single account he had was open and honest and monitored by me... that means every day I check his phone and his email and everything else.
IF i catch him having contact with another person not pre-approved by me he's broken my trust yet again.
if you want to live like his mommy then give him a second chance... the problem is you may never trust him again
FWIW, my dad cheated on my mom once after 25 years of marriage and they separated for about 3 months... he left the girlfriend, my mom forgave him and they lived happily ever after till she died in his arms and he wept like a baby...
Once a cheater not always a cheater... circumstances play a part too...
in your hubby's case however, why was he so weak that his co-workers were able to goad him into it... that doesn't bode well in my book...
Only YOU can make the choice to give him a second chance or not...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): Only you can decide what is best for you.
Personally, no. I do not believe cheaters deserve a second chance. They just need to remain single and nobody else will get hurt. You want multiple partners, then just do that and don't involve anyone else as a long term or committed partner. He had a choice and he choice to cheat. He didn't think anything about his wife and children at home at that moment, and he thought he could get away with it. And to add insult to injury it went on for months...no, no, no...that guy would be gone and the only relationship I would have with him is because he is the father of our children.
There is nothing to justify cheating...there are no excuses, no blame, no nothing. He needs to own it. Could he be forgiven? Eh, maybe...but I would not have that hanging over my head always wondering if he will cheat again ....the best predictor of future behavior is by past behavior...he will likely do it again.
...............................
|
