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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi--i am the one who wrote about the bachelor party and how i had an argument with my b/f about it and how he would still go. That argument was about 2 weeks ago or so. The wedding is not this weekend but next weekend and still no party has been mentioned unless he is keeping it a secret to avoid another argument with me. This weekend would be the weekend to have it, right? My b/f has not mentioned anything about not being around either night etc etc. Is there a high chance there is not one or it occurred already and my b/f was not invited? I definitely will be suspicious if he suddenly cancels this friday or saturday saying he is too busy or something--but that is a stupid lie to make, right, seeing as though i will be attending the wedding? What do you think???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): "My question again is do you think it already occurred and my b/f was NOT invited."
Well, I have a simple solution to your problem - ASK HIM.
If you don't think he'd tell you the truth, then why are you bothering with this relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): How would we know? You are the one in the relationship and able to say to him about how you feel.
You need to figure out what this all means to you.
If it isn't a big deal then move on.
If this is about trust then trust yourself to ask him about it.
If he doesn't want to talk about it just tell him that even if he did go, it is past and you don't want it coming between your relationship.
Tell him what you think and feel about this and are you sure you will be okay with this repeating itself?
I still say couple's counseling is in order here as it is very clear that you can not communicate to one another and a relationship that has poor communication is doomed to fail.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): ++My question again is do you think it already occurred and my b/f was NOT invited.++
I may harsh here and you sound like you need confirmation for your own thoughts, but I will say that you will not get confirmation nor 'proof' of anything. Did you know that by asking that question here, no one can give u a definite correct answer? If Agony Aunt said, "yes" - why would you believe him/her in the first place? Even if they gave u a viable reason/cause for it, it still doesn't mean your bf did or did not.
Stop being so sensitive to such trivial matters such as this. Key factor in all types of relationships is [drum roll]: "communication". If you can't trust him, then why are u with him? Don't say it's love, cuz of the thousands of responses here, everyone says it's about love - love this and that, but most of them don't have the clearest idea what love is in the first place.
Conclusion: this guy isn't for you. Find someone with really low self-esteem who can be controlled.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): I think people are reading this wrong--i never dictated anything...My question again is do you think it already occurred and my b/f was NOT invited. The wedding is coming up. I do not believe he went and i did not know about it. I have been with him every weekend for almost a month.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): Bachelor party's arn't necessarily about strippers and manliness. They are to celebrate the bachelor getting married.
Yeah of course some parties might entail strippers - but this is linked to innocent fun - it's seen as the last "opportunity" to experience random, naked women. It's a social ritual that prepares the man for his life long endevor in monogamy.
I think you are making a wrong assumption linking this event with actual sex, an intention to cheat or a proof that men have superficial sexual needs.
Look at bachelorette or hen parties, large groups of women may be entertained by male strippers. Again, where's the harm?
In a relationship if you give an ultimatum ("You can't go to that party") you must accept the consequence if they reject it. You have accept the relationship is over. Otherwise your words mean nothing, it means they can always do what they want, when they want; knowing that your words mean nothing.
I think you have probably made a grave error in dictating that your boyfriend can not go to this party, and it highlights a major problem in your relationship. I think you are insecure and distrusting of men. I'm inclined to think this issue is probably just a indication of the kind of unhealthy relationship that you have.
Look where you've found yourself; now you don't know whether or not he has gone to this party, you distrust him and are going to try and find out from other people. This is not a good sign of a relationship, at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): I never understood that--somehow it makes him more manly by being around this thing with strippers--wow men who go to this are so tough and manly in my eyes(sarcasm)That wasn't my question anyway--i am hoping there isn't one--or there was and maybe my b/f just wasn't invited--i have spent most weekends with him so i don't think he went behind my back--i am going to the wedding so that might slip out if he did.
My question was do you think i am in the clear--and there isn't one?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): You can't tell him what to do, but trust issues and the actual event aside, why would he still go if he knew that it was going to hurt your feelings so much? *That* is the real question.If you really want to find out if a party happened, maybe you could talk to one of the other guys that would have been there to see if/when it happened. If your guy went behind your back, then you really need to talk about it. Honesty is the backbone of all relationships and if he lies about something like this, then what else is he going to lie about?And another thing, if he gets angry about you having your feelings hurt and wants to avoid talking about any of this stuff, then you should really have a chat about that, as well. Find out why - and don't let him tell you that you're nagging. If you were "nagging" then that means you didn't really have the conversation that you had wanted to have and still need to address some things that you didn't have a chance to say. That's a real sign that something is definitly wrong in the relationship - when you can't talk about your feelings without being cut off, yelled at, or altogether avoided.Is he this stubborn (for lack of better words) with other things, as well (when considering your feelings, I mean)? If so, maybe he really isn't the guy you had hoped he was.You should also ask yourself if you do things that he does not like - and ask him this question, too. It doesn't sound like he's really good about communicating emotions to you, so you might have to dig a little deeper to find out what's going on. (Because from the way it sounds, this is not really about him wanting to go to a bachelor party...it seems like there's more to it for him.)
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (23 August 2006):
 I'm sorry but I missed your first question. Just going off this it's hard to second guess your reasons for not wanting him to go. I'm assuming you don't trust him? Or is it just bachelor parties in general? Whatever your reason, you cannot tell him what to do. You have to deal with your issues and let him live his life. If he does go to a party this weeknd and lies about it, it will actually be your doing. You've made it clear how you feel so it'd hardly be surprising. I hope he stands up to you and does go to the party and tells you. You really are out of line. Whatever your fears, they are yours and your forcing them onto him. That's not fair but it will be you who loses out in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2006): I agree. It is a bad idea to stop him from going to a bachelor party.
You're going to end up not trusting each other, and if he wants to go, he probably will!
Is this a good reason to ruin a relationship? Once jealousy and distrust become an issue in a relationship it'll be hard work fixing it.
I think you need to have a good think about this; and really decide if you trust your boyfriend. If you do not, maybe you should call it a day? If you do, have some faith in the guy!
Bachelor parties arn't that bad... surely!?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 August 2006):
 If there is one you need to let him go. By trying to stop him you are...
- Showing that you don't trust him
- Showing that you don't mind if he looks bad to his friends (by not showing up)
- Showing that you don't mind him being less of a man to his friends (by listening to you on this subject)
- Insting he misses out on a fun time to cover your jealousy
You are being unreasonable. You need to see that your impulses are based on your irrational beliefs, and that it is unfair and unhealthy to project those onto others.
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