A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wanted to get your take on being engaged before moving in together.I've been with my significant other (SO) for almost 4 years. I am 24, just finishing up my last year of University. He is 28, finished college two years ago and is still struggling to find a job. We both live separately, each with our parents. I finish Uni in April, and would like to start my independent life. I am really excited about it. I know it will be financially crazy difficult, but I am without a doubt looking at is as a positive step in my life. I want to start a family, and feel that I am ready for it. My SO says he shares my ambitions to move out, but I am finding it a little hard to believe, seeing where we are now.I feel that we are in a kind of short-long distance relationship, because we live separately in different cities and only see each other once a week. When we are apart for a long period of time it is hard for me. I am at a point in my life and in my relationship, where I want a little bit more of everything. I want more closeness, more intimacy (we have sex only once every couple of months because of the living arrangements), more connectedness... Whenever we are together, things are just wonderful. I like myself when I am with him. I am completely comfortable around him, and I really see us spending our lives together. This is why the only natural step for me would be to move in together. We talked about moving in together after I finish Uni. I would LOVE to! But to be honest, I am a little on the fence. I come from a very traditional family and I've been brought up in such a way that makes me uneasy about living with a man without being married to him or at least engaged. I shared these concerns with my SO, so he is aware that I would like a commitment from him before moving in. He also knows that I'm not a material girl, and don't expect a $10,000 ring. I come from a country where people don't get each other engagement rings, just a proposal would suffice.My question is: if my SO knows that I would like to be engaged before moving in together, and if he doesn't make the action of proposing until our agreed move-in period (May/June), how should I look at this? I am also considering the possibility that he might not propose, but go ahead and still make plans to move in together. In this case, should I abandon my beliefs of being engaged before moving further (I feel uncomfortable doing so)? I also don't want him to feel that he's pressured into a proposal. I think it should be natural for him to want to do it. And I think after 4 years of genuine and mutual love, it seems like a natural step, no?What to you think? When do you think an engagement is an appropriate step forward?How do you view living together while engaged vs. non-engaged?Thank you for your feedback.
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female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (9 December 2012):
Living together engaged vs non-engaged is a very personal choice. I personally think that it's advantageous to live together first. Enough engagements are broken as it is. You say you don't want to trap him into a proposal, but as it stands now, you are. You want to move in with him within 6 months, but you don't want to move in unless you are engaged. So essentially he has to propose within this time.
Instead of moving in together, it might be better if one or both of you moves out and then spend more time together. You have been together a long time, many people would move in together before being together 4 years. However, you only see each other once a week, so the difference between seeing each other once a week to every day living together is huge. When you live together, you don't have your own space to really retreat to. There's a thousand little things you will have to deal with: like chores, finances, leaving the toilet seat up/down, etc. If one of you had their own place, then the other could stay over for weekends, or for week long trial runs to ease into it. Then as little issues came up, you could discover how the other person is and come to agreements together.
Getting engaged after 4 years of genuine and mutual love is a natural step, but only if circumstances are right. He does not have a job at this point, and he still lives at home. Neither of these are conducive to getting engaged. Yes, you say you don't need an expensive ring or even any ring. But it may be that he would be ashamed to do that. When anyone gets engaged, everybody wants to see the ring. What if there is no ring? Or it's a tiny diamond? And once there is an engagement it usually means that the wedding is coming up in a year or two. With no financial security, how will that happen? So getting engaged doesn't necessarily have to do with how long the relationship has been, more with what point people are in their lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your feedback.My question is: if my SO knows that I would like to be engaged before moving in together, and if he doesn't make the action of proposing until our agreed move-in period (May/June), how should I look at this?I am also considering the possibility that he might not propose, but go ahead and still make plans to move in together.In this case, should I abandon my beliefs of being engaged before moving further (I feel uncomfortable doing so)? I also don't want him to feel that he's pressured into a proposal. I think it should be natural for him to want to do it. And I think after 4 years of genuine and mutual love, it seems like a natural step, no?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 It's got a 50/50 chance of proving to be a good idea.....
What's more salient... is that the DOWNSIDE (that 50%) is VERY difficult to correct (one of you must depart).... whilest the UPSIDE (the other 50%) is very pleasant and enticing.
THAT'S why so many women end up with the difficulties associated with a "live in" gone wrong. (It's usually the woman who suffers more in these breakups.) I would never encourage a woman to share an address with a man until/unless there was rock-solid evidence that SHE had protected her interests sufficiently.
Good luck, and study hard.....
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (9 December 2012):
 I have always thought that it is best to move in together before committing to something as serious as marriage, because a lot of couples crack under the pressure Of being together constantly and running a house together. If thats gonna happen its better to find out before an engagement than after!
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