A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am nearly 30 and I want to marry a man who is 46.My parents are opposed to the match because he is much older than I am, belongs to a different country and race and primarily because he is twice divorced and is a train driver in the UK. On the other hand, I've never been married and I'm a lawyer. His first marriage broke up because his wife was cheating on him and the second marriage ended because of compatibility issues. We've dated for two years and we get along very well together. We're the best of friends and we love each other deeply. Do you think I'm making a mistake? Is it stupid to marry a twice divorced man?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2013): If you're going to evaluate him why not do so based on how he treats you and interacts with you, rather than on his past personal relationships which you were not involved in and have no first hand knowledge of? In order to determine if there is something horribly wrong with him on the basis that he has been twice divorced, you would needto know all the details of his ex wives and what their relationship was like. and since you were not a fly on the wall at the time he was married to them you really have no way of judging his past marriages so I think its pointless to even try. Of course you could call up his ex wives and interview them but who does that? Stick to the here and now, and what you do have first hand knowledge of.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 Anon female, it's not forbidden to make mistakes and there's no limit to the number of mistakes one is allowed. But making mistakes it's not mandatory either !
I think the OP , wisely, is tryng, just as she should, to make sure she is not this guys' third mistake. Because his third mistake would be HER first one, and , although you don't have to beat yourself up if you make a mistake, normally you do whatever is in your power to avoid making one. Particularly in a sensitive , important area as marriage.
As for the first anon female's example of the airplane pilot, eh no. It may be unjust, or irrational, but I think everybody would be wary of flyng with a pilot that has already CRASHED two airplanes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe two anonymous posts below make me feel a whole lot better. Thank you so much for giving me a glimmer of hope.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): I have more respect for someone who has made mistakes in marriage and love, even more than once (since when is there a limit on how many times one is allowed to make mistakes? you go where life takes you), and is open about it and willing to try again, than someone who is still in their first marriage but hates it and is too afraid to get divorced because of what people would think or because of being afraid of being alone.Does it "mean something" that someone has been married and divorced multiple times. Sure it does, just as any other major decision we make "means something" about our experiences and attitudes. but it's different for each person who does it. In the past, divorces were rare but that doesn't mean that marriages were somehow stronger , happier or more committed, it just means that affairs were more common and even turned a blind eye to, or that simply getting separated or abandoning the spouse was practiced even if a legal divorce never happened.But now that divorce is more socially acceptable, why does it raise eyebrows that there will be people who have been married and divorced more than once? I'm sure that in the long ago past when divorces were rare, there were just as many people who were unhappy in their marriages and leaving their spouses behind and partnering up with others, just that papers were not signed stating as such.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): There's nothing inherently bad about marrying someone who has been twice divorced. Each person's life is different and what led them to get married to that person and then to get divorced, is different. Some people are very stupid when it comes to relationships and keep picking the wrong person to marry. Others were simply unlucky in that they didn't have much experience and as a result made the wrong decision. The point is whether he has learned from his past mistakes and whether previous bad patterns would repeat or not. My aunt was married and divorced twice. Then she married a third time and it's been good and normal and they have a happy family. Her first two husbands were abusive. I guess it took two abusive marriages for her to learn how to identify and avoid such men in the future and not get taken in by them. I have a great deal of respect for my aunt - she is no weakling, she is a high powered executive and a super mom and she has the biggest heart of anyone I know, she's always taking in stray animals and finding them homes, and always helping strangers in need. I would take offense if anyone said that (if she were single) a man shouldn't marry her simply because she had been divorced twice. my grandpa was also married twice and divorced both times. His first divorce came after 12 years. His second divorce came after 35 years. He's a sweet, kind, loving person. Each woman he married (one of them was my grandmother) happened to be a manipulative selfish and controlling person who made his life miserable. He was trying to make each of his marriages work, his only fault is that he was weak and easily manipulated and easily taken advantage of. I suppose his fault also was that he was drawn to these types of women. you can also make the case that if someone has been married and divorced twice, then it should be SAFER to marry them since they have more experience of how relationships end and thus would make better partners if they were invested in your relationship. After all, would you feel safer in a plane where this was the pilot's first time flying, or where they have flown before?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 May 2013):
Women don't make the sacrifices unless they WANT to OP
IF he makes the choice to leave his almost grown children that's his choice.
My husband when we were LDR gave up his home, his job, his friends and his life to move to be with me because I had the better job. I make more than he does and I am the older partner.I can tell you that part of the issue for men is that they are very tied to their jobs and often define their manliness by how well they PROVIDE for their partner. A man who is earning less than you may not even realize that he's feeling emasculated because you "support" him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't encouraged him to leave his children. Besides, his children are pretty grown up already. It's entirely upto him. If he wants to stay in the UK, it's fine with me. But I'm not about to give up my career and my dreams in order to marry him. I don't see why women always have to make sacrifices.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery interesting questions, Cindy. I'll try to answer them quickly. We decided that he'd be a stay-at-home husband and I'd be the main breadwinner. His pension is pretty decent, I must say, since when he joined the railways, it was a state owned establishment and he will probably get a lot more than those who joined it after it was privatised. He has a house in England and I have two houses in India, so buying a house wouldn't be a necessity. I've always wanted a role reversal, to be honest, and that's one of the reasons I liked him. And he's very enthuusiastic about travelling so he's more excited about my new job than I am. What troubles me the most is the issue of how often he'll get to meet his children and how we'll manage to afford frequent travelling for them. It's a crucial point and I must talk to him about it. Thanks you very much for pointing it out. He is willing to consider teaching English or economics at one of the schools made for children of diplomats. Of course, that's not very certain. I want to know more details about his previous marriages but I seem to hesitate to pry too much, if you know what I mean. But I suppose it has to be done. Of course, I admit it's difficult to act rationally because I have oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine (or whatever love hormones are) messing up my judgement. But I'm trying. I hope I don't make a mess of it because I really want to keep everyone happy...and that isn't easy.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 May 2013):
Everybody is bringing up points about his two divorces, I suppose they ( and you ) are right in focusing on that, as for me, call me stubborn, but I'd be more concerned about the future than the past.
Being realistic does not mean being " negative ", it means considering objectively the glitches and flaws of a plan- then if the persons decide that they want to go ahead with the plan regardless, because for them the pros outweigh the cons, fine , excellent- but not on the base of a generic " oh well, love conquers all ", because it just does NOT.
So, for instance, you say you are soon joining your country 's diplomatic services and going to be posted abroad . ( Congratulations, btw, great career choice, and great accomplishment, it's not that easy , in most countries, being accepted in the diplomatic services ! ).
So : you'll be shifted around , every 3-5 years or so. And , until you gain more experience , seniority and clout , not necessarily they'll be places you like or you particularly want to go. But , at least that is YOUR career choice, for your future. How would your husband feel being shuttled from, say, Tanzania to Chile to Canada to South Africa ? ( not a casual choice of places, that's just what happened to a friend of mine)
You would be working, but what he'd do all the time when you are at work ( and young diplomats work long hours )? He would surely get a family reunion, or family cohesion visa, but a work permit, even just to do a little something just to kill a few hours a day and socilaize with locals , uhm, I don't know, in most places it would be impossible. What about if you end up somewhere where they don't speak English ? ( I mean the locals, in your work environment all would, of course. )
How, when and where would he see his kids ? Who would pay for their flight tickets to bring them to visit ?
And, talking about money, are you OK with being forever the main, if not sole, provider and breadwinner ? He is going to get early retirement , an early retirement pension as an UK train driver in some places ( USA, or even my country ) ... would be more or less enough for his toothpaste and cigarettes . Of course you won't have to worry because , posted abroad, you'll get stellar pay and you can support both abundantly - but , what if you don't like the job and want to quit, what if at some point you want to buy a house ?
Sure, I am aware that times have changed , and, as there have always been men providing all their life for their spouse , it's not a scandal if the reverse happens. If you think he is worth it, you are the best judge. I was just curious to know if you have also considered this unromantic angle , and if you are totally OK with being, well, held back financially by your spouse.
I am not tryng to rain on your parade just because , I just would like to encourage you to be very thotough, very cautious, very rational before taking important steps with someone that ,objectively, does not sound like the ideal match, or, at least the EASIEST possible match for you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2013):
if he sees his kids on the weekends and he moves to be with you he will be giving up seeing his kids... he's willing to do that?
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 May 2013):
One thing to remember is that he's been supportive, kind, etc, because he has, for the most part, only had to deal with it remotely.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): He might finally get it right this time, however, I would do a bit more digging as to why two marriages have failed with this man. It is a huge red flag and don't let falling in love cloud your judgement, because it does for many women. If everything that went wrong seems to fall on the other partners shoulders and this guy is coming out squeaky clean, he's not being honest. A sure sign of trouble and likely being ex # whatever is a guy (or girl) who blames the relationship fail on everyone but themselves. It takes two. There's his version, her version, and the truth. Just be careful and ask questions of him that will require honest answering, not fluff.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I just need to be cautious and give it more time. Thankfully for me, he doesn't keep talking about his past marriages, nor does he say negative things about his former wives. The first marriage lasted eight years and the second one four years. Both his former wives were African immigrants to England. He has children from his first marriage who live with their mother and her husband but are very close to my boyfriend and stay with him on weekends.
Sorry about writing down so many details. While I can't abandon him because he's been so caring and accomodative with my issues like depressive illness etc, I promise to proceed with caution and not make rash decisions. Thank you so much everyone for your time.
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (2 May 2013):
it does'nt matter what race, religion etc he is. What is important is his relationship history. Try to ignore negative comments from the people around you. This r/ship is about you and him. The age difference is not that big. At 30 you have alot of life experience and are hardly a naive teenager.You are right to worry why he's been divorced twice. I'd ask him why and hear what he has to say. I don't know if you get to see his friends but hearing their input would be useful. They may know things you don't or tell you things he may be afraid to. Relationships end for many reasons but marriage to me, is a sacred and special thing. Maybe he was unlucky in love maybe he got cheated on or maybe he fell out of love. What you got to look out for are possible signs of trouble. If he was only married for a short time twice, that would raise red flags. Look out for things that are of concern to you and address them.You are right to be concerned so by all means listen to your inner voice and talk to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): I would be ultra cautious in becoming wife No 3. The reasons for his previous marriages breaking up are very valid but often there is more to this. Two marriages going wrong - you certainly need to question yourself. Now I am a fine one as I have been married 3 x but I know my issues are such that I would never marry again as I am just too demanding and it is not fair on any man. The age gap is quite large although often that doesn't matter but when it is your first marriage and you are young you want it to be new and special to both of you. You don't want to hear about previous weddings or what it was like being married to so and so you want to be the first to experience all these things for the both of you. I personally think you should look for a younger chap with no history and start out that way.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
No need to convince your dad you are an adult and can do what you wish. If you want to marry him it sounds like it' will be fine.
I will tell you that it may be fine and you two will live happily ever after... but with two bad marriages behind him... well his track record is not so hot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've met half a dozen times, spending between a week to a month together at a time. I am friends with his sister and his mother is an absolute darling. My mother is very fond of him. T We've travelled a lot together, organising joint holidays. I don't want children. He's neutral on this issue. I'm about to join the country's diplomatic services so I shall be posted abroad and he intends to retire early and join me. How will I ever know the truth about his former wives? I have to believe him and his family. I'm so confused. My father also doesn't approve because he's completed high school whereas I have a PhD. It's a very shallow reason, according to me, but how can I convince my father? I'm so keen on him because we're terrifically compatible.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 May 2013):
If you are a lawyer in India and he is a train driver in UK, I suppose that by " dating " you meen you have been writing to each other for two years , through Internet, or at most called each other. How much time together have you spent IRL ?
You know of him what he wants you to know, what he lets you know ( and viceversa , of course ),- but how do you know how he really is in everyday life ? I don't mean he lies to you or vicevers, but, still ,you only know how he treats you and how he relates to you. There's more to a person other than romance. How does he treat his friends, his parents ? How does he spend his money, and on what ? How he reacts when he's drunk or sick or sad ?...
How does he treat other women ?... Etc.etc.
All things that are always important to know in order to size some guy up, - and vital in your case. Why ? well, talk about compatibility issues : you've got a difference of age, religion, culture, country, language, education, experience - if you were ENORMOUSLY compatible on a personal level,I guess you could overcome all that, but , as of know, how do you know for real ?
And how would you make it work in practice ? Can you work in Uk, can he work in India ? What would be the plan, expectations, aspirations for a common future ?
As you have seen , I haven't even touched on the two prior divorces, because, although I admit that this would make me wary, then again it's all on a case by case basis, he might have been just plain unlucky.
But, as it is, it sounds to me more like a sort of fantasy, a "virtual " love, than something rooted in reality...
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 May 2013):
I would certainly question his judgment if he'd been divorced twice. He could be an excellent husband, but you need to date IN PERSON for awhile.
How much time have you guys lived near each other? Like face to face time?
I'd recommend living in the same house as this guy before you marry him. There are a lot of things that are only revealed when you live with someone, and there is obviously some reason his marriages aren't working out. Not that it means there's something wrong with him but it's worth being patient.
II agree that the age difference needs to be carefully thought out. Racial differences are meaningless to me because I don't care what other people think; however, cultural differences can cause some issues.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
I don't think the mistake is his prior divorces...
the issues are his age, religion and location to me.
while i normally find age gaps acceptable a 46 yr old man is already heading down the hill while a 30 year old woman is still climbing it. Does he want children at age 46? Do you want children? have you two discussed children.
You are in one country he is in another, how much time do you two spend together?
where will you live?
who is moving?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Him being 16 years old is not a big deal at your and his age (it would be if you a teenager or in your early 20s). And him belong to a different country and race is not a big deal. Him being a train driver sounds cool.But with him being divorce twice does raise some red flags for me. How do you know if he is telling you the truth about why he and his ex-wives got a divoce? Why did he and his wife have compatiblity issues? Why did his first wife cheat on him?I am not saying it is stupid to marry a twice divorce man. But I just recommend you two to take is slow. Maybe date a few more years before you two get married.
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