A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll spare you all of the intracate details if you'll avoid wasting your time and asking me or telling me whether or not what I'm doing is smart, safe, thought out, etc....In January '10 I'm flying out to my boyfriend's town to stay there for 3 months. Even if my bf didn't live there, I would probably have gone anyway (after realizing I have not only the opportunity, but I'd get a $5,000 living expenses check for the 3 months) because some 2 years ago I was offered an internship opportunity at the place where my later-boyfriend worked. (his boss offered me the internship, not my bf; my bf and I met because he was coming to my college for the upcoming year)So, I've told my parents what I'm doing and they're pretty much okay with it. Lots of questions, of course, but I'm sure even more are on the way once I go home to Wisconsin for a month over winter break. The issue of how to tell my parents, however, and whether or not to tell them to begin with has been plaguing me for the last 2 months. Having just turned 18 in September, my parents are still up in my business when it comes to my health and relationships. I have never told my parents about my relationship because I was sure they'd think this guy (we're 4 months apart in age) wasn't who he really said he was though I'd taken literally every precaution in making sure (scanned passport, birth certificate, birth certificates for brothers, sister, and father, scanned soccer license, scanned school records, scanned medical records (including HIV testing for entire household--twice) scanned pictures from birth to now, letters from family, friends, school officials, and clergymen [and videos of those men/women writing the letters], phone conversations with all of those people, billions of pictures and videos, etc, etc, etc). Because I was abused by my mother's first two husbands, including my father, when I was younger, my mom is paranoid when it comes to this kind of thing. Then again, based on what I just said perhaps you'll think I am too...but I want to make sure I'm safe. And for the record, I paid for NONE of this. ^^ He's NEVER asked me for money and I've never sent money; only gifts on occasion and a $50 digital camera for his last birthday (which was somewhat strategic for my own sake)My parents honestly have no idea about this guy, for better or worse. I know that at some point or another I aught to tell them. I planned on doing this after I came back as a sort of "hey, I survived, he's legit, and by the way we got engaged. Here are some letters from his family members and him addressing you, and if you want to call them here are their numbers."I still feel kind of obliged to tell them before I even leave, though, because that is the way I was raised. And when I send them pictures, call them, e-mail them, etc, it will kind of suck to have to avoid mentioning a large part of why I'm even there--him. Also, for whatever it is worth my trip is being entirely self-financed except that they're letting me stay at their house for an extra two weeks after winter break, up until my flight leaves (Jan 27th). Also, they've offered to drive me the 2 hours to the airport. The trip itself is being paid for through extra scholarships ($6500-$5,000 for living expenses). In other words, aside from the fact that I'm their kid they have no stake in this.My plane tickets have been bought; I've already paid for my apartment and I'm enrolled for the next semester to take distance ed courses and thus not be on campus. I have my passport and visa. It is happening and I will not back out after this $1,500 (thusfar) investment. Period. Going to east Africa is a once in a lifetime opportunity in itself, not to mention I've got the internship to add to my resume, I'm an international relations major, and my bf lives there. Do you think I should tell my parents about my BF before I leave or not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Also, to add, they already know that I know several people over there, including him, and they've asked me to write up a contact sheet with each of these people's contact information. They know he exists. They know that I know him. What they don't know is about our relationship, though, for all I know perhaps they figured that out anyway.
As for them caring about my safety, well, they only do that when its convenient for them, including in this case. I'll spare you the details; just know that I don't owe a goddamn thing to these people, nevermind the fact that they didn't raise me anyway.
As for how long I've known him, I knew him for 2 months before we considered a relationship. My college arranges for an international penpal system for the students coming from overseas for the semester prior to their arrival. My future-bf was accepted to my uni and thus I was assigned as his penpal. He ended up not coming because his aunt died and her son inherited everything, including her savings, and so his aunt's letter of support was thrown out and her son got to keep the $21,000 that was to be spent on my bf's education. He couldn't come here unless his tuition was paid in advance. (and I saw the paperwork for this, too.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): I'm not sure if the moderator ever fixed this question after sending him him an e-mail considering that it still isn't showing up in my column, but in any case, I am the person who posted the question.
He and I skype (which is audio and video chat) several times a week. I could not afford to call him by phone every time we wished to talk, just as he couldn't, though I do this when I wish to talk to his family and friends or when they want to talk to me. 90% of our correspondence IS by webcam and microphone. :)
Regarding the videos, sure, you have a point, but do not forget that video clips come with audio which can be matched to some extent when I listen to those beside my BF on the phone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Well, I'll start out with answering your question. Yes, you should tell your parents. They are your family, and they want you to be safe. They're trying to look out for you, and with good reason. You should also tell them because although you are relatively certain this guy is who he says he is and everything (I'm assuming you've never met from what I can tell, even though you're apparently going to get engaged, but whatever) it's still possible that he's not, or that he's a part of something else that could be dangerous for you. If they have no idea this guy even exists and something were to happen to you, they'd have no starting point. None.
I'm going to be the voice of suspicion here, and caution, paranoia, whatever else you want to call it. I'm fine with that. I'd rather say it and have it said than not say it and wish I had, so please at least read what I say, even if you don't agree with any of it. Thank you.
Now, onward. How long have you actually known this guy? Not just how long he's been your boyfriend, although that's important too, but how long have you known him total? I'm worried about you. This is a big decision that I realize you're commited to and not going to change your mind because of what I say, but I want to say it anyway. First of all, there's no way in hell that he's given you, and I quote, "billions of pictures and videos, etc." That's a lot. That being said, all those things you mentioned, all those scanned documents can be forged, all those pictures could be someone else, all those people in the videos could be people he just asked (or who are a part of some elaborate scheme) to be in those. I'm not sayin ghe did this, but I want you to realize that it is at least POSSIBLE.
The part that scares me is that you seem so certain, with no margin for error in whatever you've done/planned/etc, and that you seem so sure that he is who he says he is when you haven't a way to make sure. One way that I think would be a good way (and I think you should do this) is to have him get a webcam so you can talk to him LIVE and verify that it's him, and who he says he is and everything. Videos are in motion, but not actually live. Pictures are...well, they are what they are.
I know you probably don't want to hear all this, and I understand if you've not read this far even, but please be careful. You say you won't back out, which is fine, I mean, you have a job opportunity there and a chance to work on being in a field you want to grow in. But, you can do all of that and still be cautious of this person you haven't met.
So, in summary, be careful, and talk to your parents so that they are filled in on everything. They're there because they care about you and want you to be safe, so let them at least in on this. If you're going anyway and they're not going to stop you then telling them that you're going to be meeting your BF, especially if you're going to get engaged (which is what it sounded like), then they should at least know about him. If you trust who he is that much, then it shouldn't be an issue.
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