A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please forgive me for a long post but my question needs a bit of background. I am 41 and I have been married 3 times. The first two were public school boys and successful businessmen. My latest is the origional bad boy, been to prison, always up to no good but very good looking and charming. I am well educated and have a good job and have done well financially. I have one child at boarding school. My current husband - lets call him David, has 4 children from previous relationships. I have wanted another child for a while and while I still can and recently became pregnant and then miscarried at 4 months. David did not want any more children and sadly I could tell that he was not upset by the miscarriage. Because of this my feelings towards him have changed. I can no longer bare to be touched, cannot stand a second with his existing children and basically want nothing more to do with him. I have retreated back to my previous house before we were married. I can tell David has now become very annoyed with me and has moved away from trying to be understanding to just being angry. I had to look after his children for him at half term because he was ill and I felt very resentful about that. I don't really know what to do as I would like to try for another baby but if I raise the subject he will go crazy because he doesn't want one and he will use excuses like 'you are not ready to try again, your body was telling you you were too old etc etc'. I am used to being with people who are a lot more caring. My question is do you think I should hang on in here or accept it is over and move on.
View related questions:
his ex, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): From what I've read, this marriage was doomed from the start. Not from his criminal background, but from the fact that you said he was a bad boy and up to no good. I honestly think that you married him because of his looks and charm. You didn't indicate that he was loving, supportive, etc. I can at this point only think that.
I know this man has told you that he didn't want any children before you got married. The reason why you are holding resentment towards him and his children is just selfish. Don't get me wrong, I know it's devastating to lose a child. If your husband was not a least trying to comfort you in your time of need is wrong. But at that same time, he already have enough. Don't have anymore.
The fact that you are holding resentment towards his children is just plain childish and selfish. They had NOTHING to do with what is going on with you and your husband and you're dead wrong for how you feel about them. If you wanted another child, shouldn't you have found a man with less children? They do exist. You actually set yourself up for this one because you settled for this man and now you have the audacity to be upset about it. The best thing for you to do is divorce and find husband #4. These children don't deserve that type of treatment from you. This is the reason step-parents get a bad name.
If you decide to leave, find a man with a lot less baggage and is willing to give you what you want. If you decide to stay, realize that there aren't going to be anymore babies. Learn to love your children. They are your responsibility now. Stop being so silly you are too old for this and do what it right for you and everyone involved.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (2 November 2009):
 I think you need to work out your motives as to why you want another child.
Is it because you are broody? Do you want a child with him specifically, or do you just want a child? What is the motivation behind your need?
A miscarriage, or losing any child is always sad, and a very emotional time. In some ways he is right to say that you may not be emotionally ready to try again. You may be motivated by hormones and often decisions based on those are always mistakes.
Also, at 41, the chances of bearing a disabled or sickly child are also massively increased - that is a proven truth. COuld you cope with that?
He has 4 kids and you already have one. Why is the child you have not enough? How would he/she feel if you did get pregnant? You have packed them off to boarding school, while the baby gets to stay at home and get coo'ed over by you. This could spark off a lot of resentment.
Already a collective of 5 children must cost a lot of money. I cant imagine adding a baby to that will help matters financially.
There are many many things to think about in this situation, and sadly it is not just about what you want. This may be harsh, but you have YOUR CHILD, your husband, and your whole family relationship to think about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): He's not being very understanding. I wonder if this is the first child of his that may have not made it?Maybe it really bothers him to try again and he's scared it may happen again. I hope some other posters with experience with miscarriages, etc - could help out more on what's actually going on with him.'you are not ready to try again, your body was telling you you were too old etc etc'.I know most posters are going to attack that quote, even though he doesn't express it eloquently, maybe there's actual concern there for you. It seems minus the child issue, everything else has been great (of course, every marriage has its ups/downs)?'My question is do you think I should hang on in here or accept it is over and move on.'If you "hang on in there," what does that mean, what do you plan to do, not have a kid, or hope he will change his mind, or?If you "accept" that it's over, are you just really upset that he just is not there for you as much as the other guys were and has the way he treated you caused resentment?
...............................
|
