A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles!!I have a guy friend that I have known for many years. I haven’t seen him for 1 year due to him working away. Although now that he’s back, I need help deciphering if he likes me as more than a friend or not. We have always had chemistry and got on very well. Our friends are always asking me if we are a couple yet or telling me we should get together. But I think neither of us wanted to ruin our friendship. Because of this, I have deliberately tried not to get emotionally involved with him too much and slightly kept my distance. Since he’s been back things have gotten more intense between us. He is flirting with me and complimenting me more than ever. Staring into my eyes, touching me more etc. I know he is physically attracted to me so I’m trying to ignore the flirting as I know you need more than physical attraction for a relationship. But he keeps making jokes about us ‘going on a date’, ‘being a couple’ and ‘ that he is going to introduce me to his mom as the love of his life’. I was also looking at his dog in a loving way and he said ‘how come you never look at me like that’. He can sometimes be a bit more awkward around me now when he never has before. We have been friends for over 15 years so before I think neither of us wanted to ruin our friendship. We have always had a thing for each other and now we are both older, I’m starting to think that maybe we should just go for it. The thing is I don’t want to say anything to him until I am sure he reciprocates. I don’t want to ruin 15 years of friendship. We have obviously dated other people so I am not worried about moving on if he doesn’t feel the same. But I have always been terrible at reading whether someone is into me or not. Not to be ‘big headed’, but I know I have always been attractive so I have learnt not to take flirting too seriously. I’ve had married men flirt with me, old men, younger men, men in relationships - so I think I’ve learnt not to read too much into it. This is why I’m having trouble deciding whether he actually likes me or just having fun. I don’t usually know until they actually ask me out as I ignore all the signs. My feeling is that he does but is unsure of how I feel as I have said before to mutual friends that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. So my real question is - do you think his jokes are actually jokes or is he testing me to see how I respond before asking me out? Is it normal to make these kind of jokes to your friends? Thanks
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2020):
 I have to agree with FA,
If nothing has EVER come of this in 15 years.... why now?
I also think he is right when it comes to the not testing the waters, just feels comfortable around you. You are a pal, a friend, a buddy but you are also female thus he can be flirty and basically PRACTISE his flirts on you. You say you have had other men flirt with you, so you KNOW that flirtations doesn't automatically mean romantic interest.
While people change and grow in 15 years, THERE are reasons (other than friendship) as to why this never evolved into a relationship. Are those reasons still valid?
Also, how long have you been single? And is being single a choice for you or haven't you found someone that would make a good partner?
Your friends can say whatever they want about you two should be dating ... but they wouldn't BE the ones dating, would they?
You seem interested in dating this guy. If I read between the lines. So again, I'll ask... why now?
If you really WANT to know IF he is interested, just tell him (next time he "jokes" about taking you out on a date) That "sure, you would go on a date with him, but unless he actually ASKS you... it's not going to happen."
If you aren't ENTIRELY sure, then keep ignoring it and look elsewhere.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2020): OP, I have never met your friend, so I cannot speculate whether he is joking, flirting, or hinting at what he wants. I tend to agree with what Fatherly Advice wrote: why suddenly now, after 15yrs? In friendships and even to a greater degree, in marriage, good communication is vital! You cannot ruin a true friendship, by asking your friend, if he is thinking differently now, regarding your relationship, because he seems flirtier with you, since he has returned. To keep the tone light, you may add that you do enjoy his flirting and more frequent touches! Then it is up to you two, to decide: just friends or a Loving Couple? You must remember OP, we at this forum are flying blind, since we know neither of you, no do we know the whole relationship dynamic, which surrounds your lives. Best wishes OP, and I pray for your happiness going forward!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2020): You're avoiding rejection by staying in the neutral-zone; because it would be heartbreaking and humiliating coming from him in-particular. I think he's been playfully throwing hints, but he's not sure of himself; not just uncertain about you being interested. He's not sure if he should go there? He's just "flirting" with the possibilities; that may not be along the lines of a full-fledged romantic-relationship.
Here's how you save face, and you'll keep your friendship intact. Time to set some boundaries.
Suggest to him that he's been sending you what seems like mixed-signals; but you've been careful not to misread or overthink things. You're both grown-ups, and playing little games is better left for kids. If he is interested in experimenting with romance, you're "cautiously-receptive." You just would prefer he'd be more direct; and avoid teasing and confusing you. Side note: [Toying with people's affections is cruel and dangerous.]
Now he's placed on the spot. He has to explain himself; because consistent flirtation is either inappropriate for platonic-friends; or he's trying to nudge the relationship in another direction. In any case, he has to explain what's going on and stop messing-around.
If it turns out that he's only kidding, and trying to elevate your spirit when you seem down; or if you sometimes inadvertently fish for compliments, you just want a man's opinion on your appearance. Then he will have to clarify if he's just boosting your self-esteem; or would like to date, and see where things go from there.
This is the caveat when longtime-friends venture into the unknown-zone of romance. If it's just a curiosity about what it would be like having sex with you; that's where things go dark. Let him know straightaway, that if things ever go there (sexual); the relationship would have to be well-defined as purely romantic in nature. His true-intentions must be unmistakably clear. You are nowhere interested in being friends-with-benefits! I warn you, it would be under those kind of circumstances that flourishing-friendships can become totally ruined.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2020): Instead of conjecturing, why don't you ask him to have a casual dinner with you. This could be a start to seeing whether or not there is any real connection or chemistry between you two. You don't have to say anything about how you feel. Just see where it goes from there.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 July 2020):
 in your post you said "ruin our friendship" 4 times. I get the feeling that you are much more concerned with maintaining a friendship than moving on to a romantic, committed. relationship.
You are actively tallying up all the signs that there might be enough for a life partner relationship. The question to me isn't whether or not there is enough. The question is why are you checking now? I suspect one of two things as being the reason. One: You don't have a current prospect. Or, Two: your biological clock just hit the alarm.
What does this say about your relationship with your friend? He is the last choice after all of the other men have disappointed you it is finally down to settling on the old faithful? Or now you finally realize that your market value has dropped to the point where he is finally good enough?
Honestly he's not testing you, or testing the waters. You are "safe" so he flirts. He knows he will never have to make the commitment he has avoided for 15 years. In fact the opportunity to shamelessly flirt with you is about the only benefit he reaps from being in the friend zone for a decade and a half.
He was gone for a year and now you are thinking he has some fresh new moves. In a year they will be tired old moves. You didn't think he was a serious prospect for 15 years. It is more likely that you were right than that he has suddenly become the one that got away.
Advice: Break up and stop having this guy in the background discouraging potential mates from taking you seriously. HYe may even get serious and start looking for a permanent relationship himself, (but I wouldn't advise hi8m to).
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