A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanksMy bf and I have been together about 3 years. Started off wonderful as most relationships do. He was so charming, expressive, and he would talk, and listen to me for hours. I fell hard and fast within 6 weeks we were living together.He was married prior said it was a cold marriage on her behalf. She was 12 years older than him, and he had an affair. Things changed between us. He became possesive, demanding. Wanted to know everything about my past, and quite frankly I didn't have much of a past. I've been with 2 men prior to him. He wanted to know their names and I told him. Wanted my facebook, email passwords and I gave them to him, as I have nothing to hide. He removed a whack of my friends without my permission cause they were males. Males I didn't even communicate with. He becomes extremely moody, and accusatory I felt i was being interrogated most times. What r u doing? Are you talking to men? I ended up moving out, and still continued to be in a relationship with him. I ended up deactivating my other facebook, and made a new one without his knowledge. He ended up making several bogus accounts to catch me. I finally gave in and allowed him access to my account. I know I shouldn't have to, but i did. When I looked at his fake facebook account he selected the most skankiest woman he could. I was shocked! If i had done something like that I'd have had an earful.He began acting more bizzare than usual, from Dec till Feb 14th. Distant, even more grumpy. I seen him Valentines Day, and he brought up some other woman. Saying shes an attractive woman, this and that. I was in amazement he could even say all this to my face. I don't care if its a star but this is some very young person where he goes to shop. He's also called me another woman's name not even close to mine. When we had sex he went on to say, I never get this aroused when....(long pause) and changed the subject. He mentioned he was a player before the following week.I went to my doctors for my annual pap test and the doctor mentioned I have a discharge, and a swollen uterus. I'm awaiting to find out why, or if this is an std. In the meantime he has given me antibiotics. I'm so peeved right now, cause I think he has been cheating but denies it fully as I've expected him to do.What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): hey hon, I poseted earlier and have just read your response. You say he left brusies on your arm? That has upset me. Please leave him. You will meet someone so much better, I promise x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Time. To. Bail.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Cheating is only the tip of the iceberg. You are in an abusive relationship point blank period. You should try read up on patterns and signs of abusive relationships and I'm pretty sure you will be surprised to realize that your partner falls smack dab within the definition of an abuser. The insane inexplicable jealousy, the severe moodswings, the need to control you, your whereabouts, your friends and activities, being a blameshifter who never takes responsibility for his actions and the list goes on. Whilst relationships should be open and honest, where it gets to the point where your every step is being monitored its no longer healthy. From the sounds of it you sound like a good girl who has been faithful. If you haven't slept with anyone else and you possibly have an STI that's more than sign enough that he gave it to you. You honestly need to get out. He's probably manipulated you and brainwashed you into submission but you know in your heart of hearts you deserve better. But just cause he hasn't hit you YET doesn't mean he isn't pummeling your spirit into the ground. Run as fast as your legs can carry you before things spiral further out of control. Today it could be an STI, tomorrow it could HIV/Aids. Todays its him being mean and cutting your feelings into shreds, tomorrow it could be him cutting up your face with punches. Run girl, leave whilst you still can. Best of luck especially with the pap smear results and with this dead end relationship. Hope you find the strength to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): HiI am the original poster of this question. Thank you all for your feed back. I've told him several times he is infact emotionally abusing me. I've asked him to attend counseling to deal with his moodiness or perhaps talk with his medical doctor to find out if there's any under lining causes to make him behave so hot and cold and so controlling. He talks to his doctor but doesn't truly state anything. Doesn't divulge how moody he truly is he down plays everything so he won't ever get the help he needs if it is a medical issue. I've maintained my sanity throughout this and have told him to quit accusing me and quit trying to manipulate me. I'm a grown woman and I don't need him trying to be like a father scolding his child. That I'm quite capable of making my own choices and I don't need approval. I've gotten a huge eye opener over the last year with all he has done to me. Trying to take away who I am and what I stand for and believe in. If I'm happy he wonders why. I'm easy going I love to laugh, I love to smile. He has further issues that I haven't mentioned. He lies a lot about the silliest things and he doesn't realize I'm not a naïve person. When he is deceitful about minor things it makes me ponder what else is he lying about. He's taken my money, called my ex boyfriends to ask if I was with them. Its insane! Pushed me, grabbed me, and left bruises on my arm. His excuse? I bruise easily. He goes out turns his cell off or doesn't reply. Then he texts me the following morning like nothings happened. I ask nicely so what did u do last night? He replies, he gambled. All night? No way! I'm tired of it and I see so much clearer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): I think your in an abusive potentially harmful relationship. He has control issues, plays mind games. Probably has cheated and has no respect for u or your feelings. Its all part of the abuse cycle. A lot of abusers cheat its part of the control. He's moody, he's charming, vicious cycle that plays with your head and emotions. No one owns another person. No one has the right to take over your life. Checking up on you demanding passwords. Time to regain your life back.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2011):
 it does not matter if he is cheating. He is abusing you.I'm sorry but emotional abuse is, in my opinion, TEN TIMES worse than physical abuse.... you don't even realize you are being abused.you really need to figure out a way to get out of this relationship...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Hey there. I'm not sure if he's cheating; he could be, alot of peopel who have something to hide can act in a jealous, possessive and controlling way, which he is. Or it could be that he is just that kind of person, because he has been cheated on. You'll never know unless you actually catch him at it or if he admits it. Telling you that he is a player I thought was interesting, i would not like that, it is almost like he is warning you.I do agree with the otehrs that he is controlling and that is not nice for you. You have not mentioned that you love him and want to stay with him, do you?If not, why not make that break and leave?Let us know what you decide to do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Honestly? From what you wrote, and some gut instinct, my first impression of this man is that he is dangerous and that he is using you. What for? Perhaps to bolster his self esteem, make himself feel needed, wanted, who knows? While im not 100% he is not cheating,I wonder if its that he wants you to think he IS cheating. Why? To errode at your self esteem until he gets you to a point where you believe that you are nothing without him, and then the real games will begin. He seeks to control you, and if you let this continue, his behaviour will get more and more bizarre, his requests more demanding, his jealousy more out of control.If this is what things look like now, what do you think it will look like a year from now? He isnt going to get better (though thats what he will trick you into believing) because you stay by his side and give into his every whim. The most you can arrive at with a man like this is a lifetime of torture, the emotional kind and since he is already exhibiting strong controlling traits, I would not be surprised if this turns into the the physical kind as well. Be brave and get out of this now. Who really cares if he is cheating or not? This guy is bad news and not someone you want to spend forever with. The fact that he has such a strong hold over you (able to get into your accounts and whatnot, just by manipulating, demanding) shows you that you are easily intimidated by him. Which spells trouble for you, because today its a facebook account, tomorrow its an email account, two days from now its your phone account, a week from now its what? Your bank account? A year from now, the addresses and phone numbers of everyone you work with? All of your family's personal information and so on? And for what? So he could use them to control and blackmail you? Better to get out of this now. Better safe than sorry.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Whether or not he's actually been cheating, this guy is a complete control freak. He's out to play mind games with you and control every aspect of your life. He has no right to DEMAND access to your passwords. I'd say messing with your facebook like that and deleting your male friends is a dumpable offense on its own and extremely troubling. Also not to mention he's a huge hypocrite, deleting your male friends off your facebook, then adding in "skanky" women on his just to make you jealous? Further he has a history of cheating. It doesn't honestly sound like he is cheating, it sounds like he's making you think he's cheating so you'll feel jealous. Dump him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): yup, i think he is cheating sorry. u deserve someone who can treat you better in all ways. he has zero trust cause he gets away with doing it so out of a guilty conscious he accuses you. break up hes not worth the headache or the possible diseases.
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A
female
reader, Thornbirds  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 An abusive relationship has a pattern, and my assessment according to your description of your relationship with him, I see many signs which fall on this category.Many fall as victims of abusive and controlling behavior of their partners, but remain in the relationship because they are not aware that they are under some kind of abuse.Abusive relationship does not only deal with physical, but even emotional and psychological aspect of one's being.At times, it takes a hard blow for the partner to realize that she is being abused, and that she has only two cchoices - to stay and remain a victim,or run fast,seek help and be gone forever. Either way, it is important that you realize that you are not comfortable in your present relationship with him. What are you waiting for? Decide now before it's too late..take heart your life is in front of you!
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