A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I posted a problem on here at the beginning of march. I just basically asked for advice coz I had been with a guy for 7 months. At the beginning of the relationship he'd been living with someone else. A girl who used to be patient at a mental hospital where we both worked. I didn't find this out until 3 months into the relationship but I gave him another chance. I have been warey of trusting him. But other than that we have had a fantastically close relationship. Only 3 weeks ago he was telling me how in love he is with me and I don't believe it was just words coz he spent all his spare time with me and used to do the little nice things like cook for me, bring me follows and the text messages during the day.Then we had 3-4 rows coz his ex had rung him about some bills. I gotta admit I said some nasty things to him. He took it to heart and for a whole weekend he wouldn't answer his phone or my texts. Although he did answer my text once to say that I had hurt him etc, etc. After much begging he finally came round on the Monday night and said that he did love me and wanted to make a go of things.However, since he came back he was as he was before. I missed the little gestures. He hardly told me he loved me as much as before. I was used to him saying how special I was, hugging me, kissing me. Don't get me wrong he still did those things, but there was something a bit different. I kept pushing, asking for reassurance and this just made him worse. He got angry with me, told me I wasn't letting us get back to the way we were. But I said I was just grieving for how close we were before the arguments. He admitted he didn't feel he was as close to meThen last tuesday another row started up. I had been drinking. He said to me "I don't f*cking love you" and I was devestated. Then he tried to take back what he'd said by saying that he did love me, but I said I didn't believe him as that is not just something you come out with. So I asked him to swear on his son's life (he has done this before to prove to me without me even asking) and he wouldn't do it. I was crying and said if he just did that, then I'd know that he meant that he did but he just refused. So in the end I told him to go, which he did without a backward look.I have been absolutely devestated all week. Can't help but think about all the good times we've had together. How close we are. He told his boss (only 3-4 weeks before the arguments started) that i was perfect for him. He said to me that he'd never been this close to someone and never been this happy. So how can he throw this all away and not want to work on it?I haven't contacted him this time. I have been so lost and lonely but just thought, well if he doesn't love me then there is nothing i can do about it. But I am refusing to believe that he doesn't just not love me in his mind after all that we've said to each other.Do you think he'll ever come back to me or am I pining over someone that's lost to me forever?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): Okay, I am the original poster again.
My boyfriend has got in touch with me, just asking how I am by text on Tuesday. We were just chatting in general by text. he said to me he was glad to get back to work as it will keep him from going off his head, thinking all the time. Last night he text me to say he had finished work and I rung him to chat. Things were very strained. We were just talking about stuff in general and I said I had run out of stuff to say, and he said it's difficult to talk really on the phone but never suggested to come round. Then we just kind of ended the phone call saying we'd speak soon.
I'm so confused. Does he want me back or is he playing with my emotions?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Hi Hun
Give it time, Dont put any pressure on, Give yourself time and see what happens hunny...If you need a chat in the mean time mess me TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Also, it seems to bother you quite a bit that he was living with a girl when he started going out with you and he had to leave her to be with you. That would bother me too. I hope that you are not living with him now....keep your own place and set some personal boundaries with him....time will tell you what you want to know I think....but until then just be smart about how involved you get with him, it seems to me that you don't know enough about him and you may lack a strong foundation of friendship, trust and loyalty, so work on those things first...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I think you need to just slow things down a little bit, don't push the relationship forward by demanding reassurance it makes you come off as needy which is a turn off to most healthy men....I understand feeling the way you do, feeling needy and panicky when you fight, especially in a newer relationship, can be really scarey, so you panic and act all begging and clinging and tearful and hurt and untrusting....but when you do all that, you are also, sadly, a bit unlovable at the time.
What a man wants is a woman who is strong. Strong enough not to take his guff lying down, strong enough to be just fine and happy without him, but instead chooses to be with him because of what a great guy he is. He doesn't want to be responsible for making you feel all unhappy and desperate....if he did something wrong that angered you, it is fine to stand your ground and ask him to leave.....but then you can't go begging him back. Give him the time and the space to come looking for you. If he doesn't he probably isn't the man you thought he was or he is not as interested in the relationship or you as he has been telling you.....
I agree getting angry with him over him not swearing on his child's life that he loves you, is really kind of pathetic, don't you think? Ask him to tell you he loves you in a playful, happy kind of way, and see what he does then, you can't stamp your foot like a child and demand he say it, which is sort of what you did my making him swear on it.....he is just going to dig in his heels and resist your demands.
Start treating each other with more respect not like you are the enemy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): This relationship is focused on who has CONTROL. I love you, wait for positive response, I don't love you wait for positive response. Rip it up and start again with someone new.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): hi mandy, thanks for replying to me. I just don't know what to think. I don't want to get in touch with him and he ignores me as that will make me feel 100 times worse. Do I wait to see if he loves me enough to get in touch with me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Hi Hunny
The first bit im abit lost love was he with this other girl while with you?
He left her for you? So either way if he was with her or he had finished it with her he still wanted to be with you. She rang about some bills and you had a huge row saying some really nasty things that hurt him, That is why it was taking him a little time to get back to normal with you, If someone says some horrible things to you then it will take a little time and talking maybe to get things sorted out and he was just taking things slowly trying to get back into the relationship.....To ask someone to swear on anyones life that they are speaking the truth is horrible ive always thought this, Its not nice when you here someone say Oh I swear on so n so's life that Im telling the truth, To ask someone to swear on there childs life is something that I would say a big no to. It can feel very hurtfull to that person that one your not being believed but this person who says they love you is asking you to go as far as swearing on a childs life to reasure them, Its not nice at all sweetheart.
I no you said he had done this before but its me prehaps I dont see anything good coming out of it at all...
After the arguments it may take him a little time to trust and relax again, And pushing someone to be someone they cant be will anger them...Now I dont want you to think Im having ago at you because Im not at all, I just sometimes think that to look at the other persons side help alot to see how it would feel if the boot was on the other foot so to speak..If you were in his situation and had felt hurt it may have taken you a little time to get back to the way it was, And if you felt pressured you may have backed off, Just as I feel he did...Words are said in haste and he new how to hurt you by saying he didnt love you and that hunny is because he was still hurting, So he probably didnt mean it at all. DID YOU MEAN ALL THE NASTY THINGS YOU SAID? OR DID THEY JUST COME OUT THROUGH PURE ANGER? This is the same love, So give it time have a good think and then try and sort it out without shouting sit down together and have a proper talk, Things are said in a moment and not meant forever in alot of arguments sweetheart...If you feel sad message me I do feel for your situation very much and hope you can sort things out TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I am the original poster and I just wanted to add that when i found out about him living with the ex for the 1st 6 weeks of our relationship, he told me that relationship had been over in his head for a long time before he left her to be with me. I had emailed him before I left my previous job to ask him out - I didn't even know he had a girlfriend - no-one at work did. He eventually text me two weeks after I'd sent the email to say he'd love to go out for a drink with me.
When I asked if he'd loved her, he said he had thought he did at the time, but obviously didn't otherwise he'd have still been there.
His family and everyone have told me how she was horrible to his son and was extremely jealous of their relationship. He always said it was different with us as with her he used to dread the weekends when he had his son coz there was an atmosphere in the house but with me he cherished every moment we spent together.
How can he go from saying that to this?
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