A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a bit confused. About 5 months ago I was talking to my boyfriend of 10 months about our future and he didn't say much at all in response. I took this to mean that he wasn't interested in anything other than being boyfriend/girlfriend and just let things lie. Anyway 4 months later he asked me to marry him. I was so shocked by this but after a couple of weeks of talking to family, friends and my boyfriend, I decided I wanted to marry him. He then told me he wanted to get married within 4 weeks which I refused because it was just too soon. I have a job to consider and a house to sell etc.Fast forward 2 months and NOTHING has happened. We have discussed children, living arrangements, he's met my siblings, I've met his sister. I chat to his brother all the time and his parents now know about me and my parents know about him.Due to our cultural backgrounds, relationships are forbidden so it was a HUGE step us talking to our parents about it. The way marriages are organised is that the groom-to-be's parents approach the bride-to-be's parents and discuss marriage plans. So far nothing has happened. His parents haven't been in contact with mine. When I talk to him about it he says they will contact them "soon". I've been asking when that will be but he won't tell me anything more. My parents keep asking me what is happening and I have nothing to tell them and I can't help but feel something is amiss. I've reassured him that if he has changed his mind it's okay and we can deal with that but I can't deal with this 'soon' business.Do you think he has had second thoughts about marrying me? Or that possibly he hasn't told his parents? Do you think I'm being taken for a ride? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 July 2011):
 I worry about your level of communication. You are talking marriage, yet you can't communicate with him properly about when. Why was he in such a rush at the beginning? And what did he say, what was his reaction, when you said 4 weeks was too soon? Him wanting it so fast after proposing sounds weird to me, and I wonder if he offered any explanation?
When you talk to him about this now, why will he only say "soon"? Does he refuse to say another word? What is he doing in life, what is his occupation? He doesn't sound serious. I do not think he has told his parents. I think he thinks he doesn't have to do anything now, because he has you, and you are not going anywhere, so why should he do anything about it? He does not sound like he is serious about marrying you. Is it normal to get married after 4 weeks of engagement? Because if not then this too could be a sign that he isn't serious about it, and just wanted it out of the way so he can focus on what he thinks is interesting. It could also be that he doesn't have faith in your relationship, so is waiting with telling his parents until he is certain. This is a bad sign.
Are you sure you want to marry him? If he hadn't asked you, would you have been thinking about marrying him at this point in your relationship? It is possible to say "No, I do not want to marry you now. I need more time to see how the relationship will work, and to see commitment from you before accepting a proposal". Action always speaks louder than words. He asked you to marry him (words), but hasn't followed through with action. His actions tell you his true intentions.
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