A
female
age
30-35,
*egano
writes:I had an affair with the father of the child I was a nanny for. After doing this for 18 month the guilt became to much and even though I love him I told him we had to end things because he was married. He left his wife and filed for divorce so we could be together and as much as I love him I hate the both of us for what we did the guilt is over taking my life. Many of our family members have figured out that we were having an affair even though neither of us have address the question. My parents are beyond upset and every time I talk to my father he demand me to admit that we were having an affair. Odvisiously we has figured it out if he is so demanding to hear me actual say yes, but way. Way does he want to know? a part of me wants to yell "Yes we had an affair for 18 months" just to shut him up and part of me thinks maybe if I admit it happened it might help me deal with the guilt I have. Should I just tell all of them the truth? do you think by my family knowing we had affair it will help with the guilt I have? and is it normal to be happy but hate yourself this much at the same time?
View related questions:
affair, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, megano +, writes (17 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cerberus, I think that all of things Rick has done in the past few days to show me he cares is a sign that maybe karma isnt going to be bad.
Now together we are going to work on overcoming the things that are going to be thrown our way and enjoy the fact that we dont have to hide our relationship
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): Good luck Megano I hope things work out for you. I don't condone your actions but I do hope karma isn't too harsh on you.
Take each day as it comes and in time you'll learn to live with it. You can't change what happened but you can make the best of the situation you're in now so that's what you have to focus on.
...............................
A
female
reader, megano +, writes (17 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI visited my parents and told them everything. Im not trying to keep my relationship an secret I just didnt think it would help letting everyone know all our details. But I did it. I told them everything right down to our visit kiss. My father express how disappointed he was in my and warned me that I need to be prepared for karma to bite me in the ass.
I even talked to "rick" about all the feelings I was having and we spent a lot of time talking and sorting a lot of suff out. He offer to come to counselling with me if I thought it would help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): When guilt is still present with us after our wrong that is our consciences telling us to abandon all activity that caused the guilt in the first place and do the moral thing. Your guilt still exists bc your consciences is still convicting you of your wrongs. Dodging is impossible bc there is nothing to protect you from your guilty consciences except the truth. You were brave enough to go in to another woman's home and sleep with her husband and have an ongoing affair with him, then you should be massively brave about all the guilt, gossip, and embarrassment that will follow such behavior. I know we all make mistakes, and they all differ. But I do applaud you for seeking out help for your problem, you're not a horrible person. I encourage you to face the truth. You stated you can't even admit it to yourself what you have done. That's the first step, admitting it and owning up to it. Not celebration or gladness but truth.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): If YOU believe you two have a future because he left his wife and marriage for you - fine. This is a relationship you are in now not an illicit affair. So why do you keep lying about the facts to everyone. It insults their intelligence, gives you zero credibility as a person with no integrity and HURTS those who love you even more than the truth.They KNOW you two have history you just have to say it.
Yes strangers in the playground will gossip, they are probably his wifes friends, they know you were the Nanny. In time they will get bored of it,maybe not accept you, but you will be replaced my newer gossip.
You made this bed, you now have to lie in it.Thats what being a grown up,a mature adult is all about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): You know what OP, you need to open up and be honest if you want to be able to move past this. Of course you still feel bad, you're lying to your own family. When are the lies going to end?
You're making this ten times worse for yourself because you're still treating it as a dirty little secret.
Do you really think your dad or other people are that stupid to think that he dumped his wife for nothing and you magically ended up together straight away afterwards? No one is that stupid.
How can they forgive you, when you're still lying?
You made your bed, now you have to lie on it. You can't get over guilt when you're still messing people about. You need the support of your family and friends and they can't support you if they don't know what's going on.
OP the others are right, you can post this as many times as you want, we will never be able to tell you any good technique to get rid of guilt. If I knew how to that I'd be a millionaire. Guilt is there to cause us pain so that we remember that and won't do whatever we feel guilty about again.
You have to accept what you did, accept your guilt because if you can't then no one else will. Yes, you fucked up majorly, but now you have to fix that and stop lying to people, people who already know what was happening anyway. If I was your father I wouldn't be proud of what you did but I wouldn't hold it against you, I would however feel very disappointed that you felt you had to lie to me. That must hurt him far more than you cheating, because he's your father.
It's time to come clean, it's no longer an affair it's a relationship, so stop treating what happened like a dirty little secret. In this case the truth will set you free because they need to know how bad you feel about it or they're just going to see you as a liar and a cheat who doesn't care and lies to everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Well just keep posting, over and over again, odds are sooner or later you'll get whatever response you are looking for.
...............................
A
female
reader, megano +, writes (16 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt just diregard the comment or advice from my first question I just dont think the advice was right. Not every person who cheats is a cheater for life. He proved he wanted to be with me by leaving his wife Im not just going to walk away from him now. I know my dad wants me to admit what I did and as stupid as it might sound I hate saying it. Say it aloud makes me feel worse. Plus I was always close to my parents espically ny dad. Keeping my affair secret from him was hard and i dont want hm to think less of me for what I did.I know that I am porbably the topic of gossip and out nanny play groups and Im sure the playgrounds will get quite when I get the nerve to go back.IM not excpeting people to say great things about us but I what is doen is dne and we cant change it.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 HiI think you should weigh up if this relationship is worth it. Just because you love him doesnt make it alright,its making you miserable and eaten up with guilt. Your folks, his folks, everyone is unhappy about how you met. Both you and he were wrong and you know it. You can put an Ad in the newspaper announcing to the world how you met - it will not make you feel better. Own up to your Dad, he just wants the truth. Then strongly consider moving out of your partners home to get some thinking space. Make some choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-partner-left-his-wife-to-be-with345.htmlIts always proper ettiquette to link other posts because then we have proper context!!!OP whether you admit to your affair to your parents, your lovers family and your friends will make no difference: they are not idiots. They KNOW what you were doing with this married man while you were living as a nanny with him, his wife and baby. You have been given excellent advice by some which you have obviously chosen to ignore. Other posts (mine included were blocked because it really painted you in a negative light) . You are now living in his wifes home, now sleeping openly in her bed, your clothes has replaced hers in the closet so what more is there to say.I will remind you of EOW comments and will remind you that you may think that your married lover will not cheat on you but the fact that he was doing you in his own home for over 18 months while his wife was either away or elsewhere in the home speaks volumes about his morals or lack thereof. You have bigger issues than just admitting to an affair with your married man while staying in his home with his wife and kids. You have also gained a reputation and people have now put two and two together and have sussed you out and your true character as well. This should be something that you should be worried about. Your "nanny" status has now been elevated to that of official mistress of the manor so it speaks volumes to everyone whom you have been associated with while you were the "nanny". Of course they are gossiping about you. Of course you are the topic of discussion during their get togethers. Crude jokes and inappropriate comments: these are to be expected. What you need to realise is that these do have merit. That's the price you pay for sleeping with your married "boss" in his home while his wife and kid was around. The question is : are they right about you? Can you change your ways? Can your married lover? See you can fool some of the people some of the times but not all of the people all of the times. Secrets do have a way of coming out and well its the price you pay. Actions. Consequences. The aftermath!Oh and your father will have more respect for his daughter if she admitted her wrongdoing. He will see her through an adults eyes and he will see whether she can change her ways. You are NOT fooling your father by denying your affair. You are just in denial and no amount of lies and half truths can cover up the truth. Your father can be your support system when news of this stink leaks further and impacts others but if you still lie then whatever little respect and love he has will be replaced by disgust. You owe the truth to your immediate family and your married lover should do likewise with his. I remind you of his sisters comments that her brother "liked easy" women obviously referring to you. She also humiliated you by asking him who he slept with first that night on holiday(?) Either his wife or the nanny. This is what you can expect from people who know! So the chose is yours: either come clean and maintain some sort of shread of decency and atonement or continue lieing and dig yourself into a bigger black pit. LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, megano +, writes (16 May 2012):
megano is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought I will explain that the guilt I have has really been a huge part of my life latley. I cant sleep, when I wil my bf I cant be happy when am the guilt kicks in and i feel horrible
...............................
|
