A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: So I'm a 22 year old gay guy and I've never had a boyfriend or any sort of relationship in my life. I always used to think that I would only share myself and my body with someone I love and care about (At least when it comes to firsts like first kiss, losing your virginity and etc.). But from experience, I've learned not to hold my breath because I would most likely be waiting for a really long time, if not forever. So I end up engaging in meaningless hookups (Barely)just to scratch the itch or whenever I'm lonely/depressed. My first real kiss was with a guy I was kind of disgusted with, Losing my virginity wasn't such a hot experience either. And I'd say 97% of the guys I've hooked up with...I've found later on that they're DL and cheating on their wives, husbands, bf/gf's. Just fuckboys all round. There's nothing wrong with hooking up but i don't want this to be the rest of my life. This is literally the best I can do? Anything to feel some kind of intimacy...Do you guys have any advice on how to stay confident and keep myself afloat when living in a world that doesnt deem you as beautiful or worthwhile? I'm not amazing but I'm a great person...but I continually get treated like I'm nothing or like I don't exist by other gay suitors. People don't even give me a chance. I'm sure if I was another way, it would be a different story. It's even hard to make gay friends...I didn't realize you had to be a certain way to be friends with someone. Considering what we've been through and continually go through...the gay community is kind of fucked because they do the same within their own community.
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female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (28 December 2016):
I agree with all posts given .. even heterosexual people go through this .. Some are lucky .. I can say I was .. However my sister who are straight went through a dating bonanza of guys who sold them pretty stories and gave nothing ( though they didn't sleep with any )
Work on yourself .. get out there mix mingle friends can be straight gay whatever .. A friend isn't a type .. its a person who accepts the other for who they are not what they are .
Once you have mastered friendship go out straight girls love gay bars .. I know if I go there the guys are absolute dreams .. I can dance flirt they even pretend to flirt back and I can truly relax .. I have a few gay male friends and I remember when one of them he's a doctor he said I have something serious to tell you .. I looked at him and went your gay and all the way down to the canteen he was like hissing how did you know .. does everyone .. He wasn't fully ready then .he is now . I just guessed through subtle cues and he's absolutely amazing guy .. he's funny bright witty you know and we click as friends .. I'm not gay either . Not every gay guy is abnoxious or self centred .. though there more pressure I'd say as wise owl points out
Be you as wise owl says or find out who you are .not on cheap hook up .. get mixing .. volunteer join some groups .
And here the thing because your feeling negative ..your looking at yourself negatively .
Your probably more handsome than you think .. and like anyone even today heterosexuals are more beauty body conscious materialistic. . But even if your not all that who cares
You can't change how you look I think your putting yourself down though but you can change how you feel
Go get yourself so new togs ..New hair cut ..Some nice after shave .. get volunteering be happy with what life gave you .. you can walk talk hold down a job and articulate how you feel.. some can't even do that . Be blessed for the people you have in your life right now .. family .. bless yourself for the friends that will come ..
Be kind to yourself .. smile .. A smile is infectious .. be open .. and be patient .Rome wasn't built in a day haha ..if only .
Plus come back and tell us how your getting on .. we're a friendly bunch here .. hope you had a merry Christmas sweetie .
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (28 December 2016):
I agree with all posts given .. even heterosexual people go through this .. Some are lucky .. I can say I was .. However my sister who are straight went through a dating bonanza of guys who sold them pretty stories and gave nothing ( though they didn't sleep with any )
Work on yourself .. get out there mix mingle friends can be straight gay whatever
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): I guess this is right up my alley. I am a gay man. You're in your early twenties and most likely introduced yourself to gay life through online dating apps. You didn't allow anything to happen naturally, everything was planned and orchestrated to thrust yourself into the gay-world; but nothing went as planned.
First-off, don't judge all others by the handful you've met and fucked. They are all you know, and apps for hookups only introduce you to, and connect you with, people who just want sex. They are no reflection on humanity. They are a subculture of society. They are a collection of pretty-boys hunting for pretty-boys to stroke their egos and show-off their gym-bodies. Losing all feeling and forgetting they're part of humanity. They are demigods.
I will grant you confirmation that gays (especially gay men) are superficial, shallow, mean, and narcissistic.
So you don't follow suit by being the same as those you clearly don't like. Be yourself. Love doesn't fall in your lap the minute you decide you should have a boyfriend. There is a process of waiting, meeting people, dating, and letting nature take its course. You can't rush love or just snap your fingers and it happens instantly. Yes, it may take time before you find someone, and when you do; it might only be a brief encounter. That's life for gays and straights.
Relationships don't happen on demand. They occur when the proper chemistry takes place, an attraction is formulated, and a proper match takes hold. You're supposed to have a few meaningless hookups to get it out of your system; and to help you to realize that isn't what it's all about. That isn't really enough. Now you know. You also needed to experiment and explore sex. To learn the difference between just having sex, and actually liking someone and expressing sexual-affection. Gay men don't always have this in-mind. There is rampant promiscuity, which fits the stereotype.
Too much porn, easy access to meaningless sex, and poor general attitude about life. Many are neurotic and crazy as a loon.
Most gay people experience a lot of discrimination, homophobia, confusion, trauma, and exclusion before coming out; or accepting our sexual-orientation. Our parents don't prepare us for gay-life, we have to learn on our own. Perhaps we may be fortunate enough to meet some good older mentors along the way, but we mostly play it by ear. That accounts for some of the reasons you encounter people who seem unstable and insecure. Then we adjust, and things become more clear with maturity and experience.
Adopting a defeatist and cynical attitude is so easy. Be a drama queen and feel sorry for yourself. Just chalk it all up to not being pretty enough, everybody uses you, and woe is me. Well, in the dating-world you run into a lot of dry spells. The best are already taken, and the worst are too easy to find. That's life kiddo. You still have to live it and make the best of it. You should just be happy you're young and have so much more time ahead of you. Life doesn't happen in the span of 22-25 years. It usually extends to sometime into your 80's. Between now and then, a lot of sh*t happens.
Being yourself assures you that you'll be liked for who you are. Trying to be other than yourself is deceptive, and you're sure to be discovered to be a fake. So chill, and be patient. Enjoy life. Go to concerts, fairs, and show-up at gay pride festivals. Mix and mingle with both gay and straight. All your friends don't have to be gay, you know!
People who say it's hard to make friends, never really try; or try too hard. They scare people away by being too weird and needy; or they want to fit into some clique. So if they don't make the clique, they give-up on life. Be a volunteer for a charity and give of yourself. You'll find good people who'll like you and want to make friends. You'll be too busy to focus on self-pity. You'll do some good.
Checkout your local LGBT organizations to find discussion groups or event-planners. There you'll find people with a purpose, not just out on a manhunt for one-night stands.
Don't spend so much of your time scrolling through apps like Grindr and other hookup apps. They're turning gay-men into heartless drones and sex-addicts. If you don't know how to be friendly, you can't make friends. So you have to have charm, and you have to use it.
Gays inter-discriminate. They discriminate against age, even the not-so-attractive are shallow and superficial, the gay community spends too much time harshly judging each other, and want commitment without sacrifice. They want unrealistic fairy-tale lives, and worry too much about appearances. Then there's this crap about "straight-acting" and "straight-appearance." What the f*ck is that about? If you prefer being masculine, just be masculine. It's isn't a selling tool. Tops and bottoms are for boxes. Since when were you judged and chosen by preferred sexual-positions?
So you have to dodge a lot of bullets, and make sure you're not a bullet yourself. Get a handle on your negative attitude, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Life occurs in phases and cycles, and you're just not in the cycle for love just yet. So prepare for it. Read a lot, do self-improvement, stay healthy, exercise to stay fit, eat a good diet, and return smiles when you get them. Doesn't matter who gives it first, or who it comes from. Be nice to straight people; and don't assume they can't be friends just because they are different. Open-up your mind and heart; and life becomes more appealing my young gay friend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 December 2016):
 If you feel you are failing to find what you want because you are not "beautiful or worthwhile", I would suggest you are looking in the wrong places.
If you go to nightclubs and similar places to find partners, the only thing they can judge you on is your looks because they have no knowledge of you as a human being. You need to met people who have similar values and interests to you, then you will get to know each other properly and they will see what a nice human being you are and be attracted to that, as you will with them.
A new year is on the horizon. Use it to turn your life around.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (27 December 2016):
 I believe you need to concentrate on your life. Your predilection for finding love has led you into a side of gay life of which I can only speak of third hand. I have heard their is a culture of casual and immediate sex which many men find attractive. There is also another side, which is the one for which I think you are searching. It is forming a stable long-term relationship with a loving partner.
The problem and solution for you is the same as for a heterosexual person. You need to be fishing in the right pool.
In the meantime to beat your depression fill your life with activity. Make that your goal, not finding a partner. That will come in time.
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