A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are going through a divorce after being together for 15 years. We have a beautiful little boy that means the world to us but our relationship has been an uphill battle from the start.I've been the bread winner for the family in addition to cleaning, laundry, paying the bills, cutting the grass (well you get the idea). My husband feels that I expect too much from him. He simply bartends in the evenings and sleeps the days away. He has drank our entire marriage though NEVER in public. He uses cocktails as a sleep aid. He's verbally abusive one minute yet sweet and extemely thoughtful the next. He's funny, great looking and so charming when he want to be. I guess what I'm saying is that I know I am making the right decision to go through with the divorce for the sake of my child but I never thought I would divorce my spouse when we are BOTH still in love. I pray that by loving him from a distance he'll get the help he needs. He keeps teasing that once the divorce is final he's going to quit drinking for good, get his act together and ask me to remarry him?This has been a very emotional roller coaster for my entire family. Am I doing the right thing?
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female
reader, incisivesarcaustic +, writes (14 January 2011):
I know this post is old, but I just want to say how amazingly encouraging it is to read about someone in a similar situation, making the decision that I know in my head is right, even if the love makes things cloudy sometimes. My husband doesn't drink, but he doesn't meet my needs for affection and sharing of the responsibility, much like yours didn't- even though I have seen him do it before! I know he is capable, and I love that capable part of him- but it's not who he is all the time- and I do NOT want my 2yr old son thinking this is the way that people love each other. Thank you so much for sharing your story- you've helped me more than you know.
A
female
reader, Independent girl +, writes (13 February 2009):
Thank you to all that have replied to my question. I must admit that this is the first time I have ever chatted on-line more less ask for advice. Everyone has reinforced what I've already known for years but the picture is becoming much more clearer. My husband has chosen to have an affair with alcohol (which I truly beleive is a disease) and if I truly love him as I say I do, I need to move forward with this divorce not only for myself but for my son and husband as well. I, agree, I've allowed him to get away with murder the past 15 yrs; I thought that the more I did the more he would love me and show me some affection. He had me so convinced that no one else would ever want me and nothing in life would make me happy because it's impossible to please me. I now know better and will NOT raise my 3yr in this environment. There's no doubt in my mind that my husband loves me and vice versa but I'm just now realizing we a not in love- big difference. I thank God, daily, for small blessings. Today I thanked him for everyone that took the time to answer me.God Bless!
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (12 February 2009):
 I get the feeling that he's been getting away with murder is because you've been letting him.
you do everything around the house and it feels like you're taking care of two kids.
I say stop babying him and give him a change to grow up and be a man. What would happen if you didn't cut the grass, do laundry ect. Maybe secretly you like to have the upper hand in the relationship and a lil power over him.
Whatever the case, he's drinking cause he's not happy with his life because he doesn't have control over his life. If you still love him, maybe help him get over his demons.
The only reason i say that is because you say you both love each other. Maybe there is hope if the love is still there. If not, then maybe it's best to let it go.
Then he has no choice to sink or swim without you and I bet he will choose to swim.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): You can love someone and yet be unable to live with them and actually all you are displaying is healthy respect for yourself and your child. By continuing in an abusive relationship (which yours is)you are perpetuating misery and unhappiness and if you are 'in love' with that then there is something wrong. In fact, perhaps when your husband wakes up from his drink-fueled life he might realize you did the right thing. We are all capable of loving other people but a good and happy relationship should be part of that. 'Care' for this man you have looked after and suffered with from afar but realize he has to help himself and you deserve something more.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (12 February 2009):
 I'd ask him a simple question, really: "if you can be good, why be deliberately bad to me?" Love equals respect, and it is a two street. Sounds like your man knows he can be good, but it would also appear that he knows he can get away being bad simply because "he can" (and you, unfortunately, "allowed": it to happen). I hope whatever decision you decided to take, you will also have taken into consideration the life lessons you are giving your young son. Any divorce I am sure will have an effect on him, but staying with your husband (if he did not change to be "good") may also inadvertently teach your son the "wrong way" to being a husband/father (in his adult years). Be strong for yourself and your son! Good luck! xoxoxoCat
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