A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Do you consider it cheating if your husband and a work colleague were texting things like 'Love you, miss you, can't stop thinking about you' and 'I am feeling randy at the thought of you in lace undies'. He says it was all a game and he needed someone to perk him up and boost his confidence as a fanciable fella when we were going through a very shaky patch with no love or sex on my part (I was really horrible to him but never once did he show me anything but love and fancying me and used to ask me to dress in sexy undies which I wouldn't) and one of her texts thankfully said 'I feel guilty leading you on and we have done nothing yet'. This happened over 6 months ago but I am getting more paranoid rather than less. I am desperate to see how she looks close up and the other day I sat outside her place of work (different premises to my husband) hoping to catch a glimpse but she must have been off that day. I have seen her from a distance when they had to attend a meeting ages ago and I hid in some trees (how sad) but couldn't make out her features. I will end by saying that we have fallen madly in love all over again and he just wants to forget it but I am as raw as ever. He goes mad if I broach the subject, I love him so much and don't want to lose him. I am 100% sure nothing is going on and he now shows me his mobile bills but I can't block out what they had for those couple of months even if it was a game. I make myself worse by reading advice forums like this and most replies say things like, yes it is cheating, once a cheat always a cheat and leave him now. Both our lives would be devasted if this happened but I just can't rest. Does it ever heal? Thanks for reading x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): i want to respond on the answer'since it happened once...there is a chance it could happen again...' it can always happen.To the one that has never made such a mistake... to anyone...even you could make mistakes.
there are only two certainties in life: we are born and we die. Your love, count on it, will die, or decide to go away... don't worry about that, have no fear of that, make sure that the time in between, is how you want it to be. In other words: forget about her, and what he did, and enjoy the time you have together now. and about the past: just seek out the happy memories for now. He loves you, i am sure. and it will heal, when there is enough love poured on that bit shaky foundation.
A
female
reader, No_Nonsense  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 Hi there
Sorry to hear of your situation and what it's doing to you :( The problem these days is that cheating is no longer reserved for the sexual kind - there's emotional cheating as well. It doesn't matter what he says - what he's done is not on! I guess everyone has different ideas of what constitutes cheating (is it hand-holding? text messages or is sex the "real" cheating?) but you have to see what feels wrong to YOU! If it didn't feel wrong to you, you wouldn't be hiding in trees and feeling raw, as you put it.
He's fine with things now, but obviously you're not. So you have to decide if you should:
a) Talk to him about it or seek couple counseling so you can get to the bottom of the issue and find a way to move on. He has to be willing to see how he hurt you (i don't sense much apology from his side from what you've said)and meet you halfway to make this work!
-OR-
b) Leave him. You say it will be devastating to your lives if you walked away... But how much more devastating will it be to stay and keep battling these demons? You need to see if you can ever move past this and be honest with yourself, and be able to trust him again.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (17 February 2009):
Yes that is cheating!!!
I dont know if he physically did anything with her (although I would NOT be suprised if he did, considering what you have told me hes said and done already), but the point is what he has been doing with this girl is totaly inappropiate- you could call it emotioanlly cheating.
And it hurts just as much as him having sex with her.
Your husband doesnt seem to be showing any remorse. A decent, loving guy, would be more sensitive to your feelings when you bring the subject up. He would realise the effect of what he has done, and he would do anything you want- and if that means talking about it- then so you should. No, instead, he prefers to shove it away in the corner, he doesnt want to face what hes done. Then he tries to blame you! So what, you didnt give him any sex or love for a while- that doesnt justify what he did.
Your husband is abusing you emotionaly. Hes blaming you for his actions and making you feel bad about it- when hes the one in the wrong.
There are so many other things he could of done when your relationship hit a hard spot- he could of talked to you about how he was feeling, he could of talked to a counsellor- he could of pleased himself. But no, he decided to look for 'love' outside of your r/ship. Thats not right. DOnt let him make you think that you made him do it, because you didnt.
Of course you are going to have trouble trusting him now, and its always going to be in the back of your mind. Next time you two have a fight, or go through a rough patch, you will be on the edge of your seat waiting for him to start having an emotional and/or physical affair with another women.
He needs to take ownership of what hes done before you consider forgiving him. He needs to realise that he made a choice to do that- he needs to own up to it and not blame you. He needs to work out a plan of what he will do next time your relationship isnt going perfect- because relationships never stay that way- and if his way of dealing with it is finding another girl, well this r/ship is doomed to fail.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): yes its called emotional cheating look it up. sometimes it stays that way and sometimes it crosses over into sexual activities as well
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I'm the one who posted and thanks so much for your time in replying.I'm sure he is being totally honest now but want to see her because I can't get over the thought of them being intimate in the past and want to see what my 'love rival' looks like. I do believe it never got physical from the evidence of her text otherwise I couldn't have been convinced. It is the past that's hurting me and I'm sure it's hurting him as much but in a different way. He's got the guilt and I've got the wondering.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): My pesonal answer is yes,if you did't know about these texts your hubby was sending this women then he was deceiving you,i am not saying thats as far as it went as some affairs often start with text messages and i hope with you thats all it was if you belive it was why would you want to see her i sence that you are uncertain that your hubby is being totally honest with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): So many levels to this question. My first thoughts were dump him. But as i read on, it changed significantly. I think you have to get over it yourself, which is what this is really about. If you love him, truely love him then you will forgive him anything. Note i said forgive, not forget. You arent a stalker so please stop. What does it matter what she looks like really? If she is prettier you will feel bad, if she is uglier you will feel bad. Don't. He likes her that is all. You have to trust him and start thinking of other things. So my final answer is Yes it will heal. But only if you can let it heal rather than picking over the wounds.
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