A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been with my wife for 20 years. We have been in and out of the ruts over time and each time climbing out has taught us somEthing new about ourselves and each other. My wife turned 40 a while ago and now she has no intrest in me sexually. She has told me that my crude advances are undesirable. In response I learnt to cook chinese food and made a point of cooking once a week for both of us. I also spent time with her in the evenings on the couch not being pushy just being. I have taken time in the mornings being late to work to be with her instead still not being pushy. I help her whenever she needs help and am often her night in shining armour, she thanks me and I appreciate that.I hold down a steady job with growth possibilities and am on my way up the food chain of work life. I have my own company which I work at around our relationship as I also do not let my job cause a lack of time together. My wife says she loves me dearly and I can see that she really does. She is not able to feel enough emotion to want to make love to me and pushes me away in any intimate way. I have made sure I am clean shaven and responsible. Do women at this age become less interested in their partners and is there something more I can do to help her get her mojo back? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Hi, my husband makes crude advances, and I have some tips. 1st of all stop doing them:) Can you be a little coy or teasing? (without over doing it.) By teasing, I mean making moves WITHOUT expecting sex. I know that's hard because your making an effort without expecting something in return, but you could try it for 1 month and see if there's a turn around.
-come up behind her, put your hands on her shoulders, then kiss the nape of her neck. say something like you like her soft skin, then walk away
-when you kiss her goodbye, tell her she has beautiful eyes, then give her a melting smile before you leave.
-offer a massage (take a class if possible to do it right)
These are some possibilites to help get her in the mood, but truly, you need to tell her how important love making is for you. Hopefully this is just a passing phase.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 When the physical check up has cleared her of anything serious medically, and as all the other aunts suggested, all issues have come up to the fore so all is out in the open (in a good way) and there is nothing serious that threatens your marriage, then perhaps you can start rekindling old feelings by doing a "role play" or "dating game"?
For instance, you call her up to meet somewhere, for a date, but she and/or you dresses differently than your usual style? Even wear a wig? Perhaps even talk differently, like imitating a movie star, or adopting a certain accent? It could be sexy, adventurous (but safe!), and fun!
Another thing you can do at home, is word play. I don't know if there is a board game for it, but you can easily make it up at home. You ask her something, and she has to pretend as is she heard a different word. But since this is wordplay, the word has to be very similar sounding but with very different meaning. Then you say a different sentence with another different similar sounding word. See who comes up with the funniest, whackiest, or most outrageous sentences. Or you can compete on who can come up wittiest and cleverest sentences based on this wordplay. If you did it right, you'd be laughhing so hard your faces will hurt. All it takes is just 2-5 miniutes, or longer if you liked it. It can be done any time anywhere, no gadgets!
And if want to get more adventurous, you can also try new sexual positions that you have never done before, or have forgotten to do since you are not so nimble anymore (yes, part of the ageing process involves joint and muscle pains ... LOL). Go to the nearest bookstores, or google for Kama Sutra. Interesting educational stuff in there LOL
Do these things together with her, as if you were still in your 20s or in your early dating period :-)
Good luck and I hope your marriage stays strong!
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for all your feedback I do comunicate my feelings with my wife in a non resentful way I also spend time caring for her body in a non sexual way. My crude advances were the product of inexperiance and since we halve talked about the way my wife would like to be touched and respected. I have learnt about and put into practice some tantric love making wich is more about conecting than having sex. Mosts of the problems in our lives we have overcome with this comunicate and adapt style. I will speak to my wife about menopause with understanding about aging isn't all marching bands, streamers and party whistles for some people.
Thankou all for your great response it is good to get another point of view.
Cheers.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 Get her to the doctor for a full exam. She may have depression, she may have a hormonal imbalance (not producing enough estrogen or testosterone--yes, women produce small amounts of testosterone), there could be a physical reason. Intercourse might hurt her and rather than tell you or her doctor, she simply tries to avoid it.
There's some good information on this here: http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/sex-drive-and-menopause (don't worry about the menopause title, it's still useful info)
Growing older isn't a picnic for women, things start to sag and other things start to wrinkle up; there may be a loss of confidence or self esteem.
I'm intrigued by the 'crude advances' comment she made. Did you ask her what 'refined' advances were for her? Has she told you what she needs you to do for her in order to feel sexual?
Another suggestion I have for you, if you can stand to do it, is to get very physically connected to her in a non-sexual way. That is, take a massage class or two and practice on her. Start simply holding her more, cuddling, and then start to work in some stroking of her hair, her back, her body--again, not expecting sex, just connecting to her physically. Give her foot rubs. Spoon with her in bed. Make her feel loved and appreciated just for her. Find the non-genital, non-breast erogenous zones of her body, like the nape of the neck, the ear lobes, the small of her back, the inside of her thighs, backs of her knees, the toes. Become intimately acquainted with her body and show her that you love it.
The cooking classes and spending time with her are great; I think you sound like a guy who truly cares for her and wants to have a happy life with her.
So to the doctor ASAP (read that guide I provided for some things to discuss with the doc) and lots of non-sexual touching.
Any discussions with her about this should be non-confrontional, loving and calm, obviously. Try your best to let her know how rejected this lack of interest makes you feel, but do it in a wistful, sad way, rather than in anger or resentment. Tough, I know, but try.
I hope she gets her mojo back with you soon!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (6 March 2009):
 This may be down to hormones. Its not that she feels any less towards you but maybe she is worried that at her age she may not be able to lubricate herslef naturally in order to have sex. Try talking to her and see if there is any thing wrong, there may be underlying issues or she may just not want to have sex. The important thing to remember that its not you, its her. She will still feel the same waym I love my boyfriend but I don't feel like sex with him all of the time, but this is down to hormonal changes and things like that. You need to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel about the situation, the worst thing you can do is to distance yourself. Keep me updated! X
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