A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal for a woman to lose interest in a man when she feels he no longer finds her special . I find that when im in a relationship with a man and he begins to start noticing other women more than me ir not making me the main focus of his sexual energy I become turned off. It is usually a combination of several factors like a wandering eye coupled with taking me for granted that leave me cold . I always attempt to address the issue through communication and even stayed in a lengthy marriage where ir was on ongoing issue. I usually find the man changes temporarily but as soon as he feels comfortable he reverts back to treating me like an old sock. In the most recent example my bf of a year and a half decided to join a dating site behind my back . When I found out he apilogised profusely and im trying to forgive but my interest in him as a partner has disappeared as I no longer feel I am special to him and question if I ever was.I am not sure if the problem lies with me or the partners I have had but is it normal for a woman to lose interest in a relationshipWhen this happens Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): It is normal to switch if you feel your partner is no longer genuinely interested in you. It is a timely defence mechanism to protect you and allow you to move forward. Just dont make the mistake of faking orgasmic sex in the polite hope of not hurting him because you will confuse both of you. Of course he apologised , you found out about the dating site before he met someone new and he probably meant to keep it a secret.Its just life,not science.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 June 2015):
 You missed the entire point, OP, and I made my response based on you exposing a PATTERN in guys you are with. When there is a pattern of behavior followed by a PATTERN in your response, it means that the issue lies with the common denominator. This means you, since you are the factor in all of your relationships.
You're not being attacked. You're being educated. There is no excuse for a guy viewing dating sites while in a relationship, nor is there an excuse for a guy who has bad manners and ogles other women in front of his girlfriend.
But before ALL of your relationships go in this direction, you need to analyze YOURSELF first as the common denominator.
You made this statement: " I find that when im in a relationship with a man and he begins to start noticing other women more than me ir not making me the main focus of his sexual energy I become turned off."
Fair enough, but are you focusing 100% of YOUR sexual energy on the guy you're with?? Before you snap off a quick and easy "yes", I'm not talking about you not having a roving eye. I'm talking about you turning up your sexual energy to "smoldering" and desiring your partner like you're a dying woman in the desert and he's the only glass of water within 100 miles.
See, guys make the error of the wandering eye, and it gets all the press here at DearCupid and for good reason, and all the aunts and uncles call him out on his disloyalty and bad manners AS WE SHOULD. But the error the girls make doesn't always get called onto the carpet like it should.
Women make the error of giving their guy the "leavings", and many guys don't complain for fear of losing even that. Women may not have roving eyes, but the guy becomes an afterthought, a burden, a "Fine I'll sleep with you to get you to stop pestering me", which is emasculating to a guy.
You may not have roaming eyes, but do you give your guy the "come hither" eye, or does he have to keep asking until you feel "in the mood" only after weeks of coaxing only when HE makes you feel special enough?
Men need to put out 100% and so do women. I'd come down on a guy who is selfish in bed, a bad kisser, or gives his partner minimal effort. I'll do the same for a girl because it's not fair...relationships aren't all about the guy making a girl feel special...it goes the other way too. If you have issues with guys fading out on you, with one guy, maybe he's an asshat. With two guys, maybe you're having bad luck. With ALL the guys, and then you have a pattern you can't ignore.
Resentments are corrosives and can short-circuit desire on BOTH sides. I could tell you to ditch the guy you're with, but what happens next time?? Many guys go distant because they are harboring resentment. It's a mature partner who will shine the spotlight on BOTH parts of the partnership. Maybe I'm an aberration, but a day can go a lot better when I'm anticipating my guy coming home, thinking about what happens later that night instead of getting bogged down with work and family, seeing him come home, giving him the quick kiss, and then brushing him aside because he seems "frisky", playing catchup and then maybe going for it because it's been a few days and it's the best way to get him to sleep cause hey, it's only 9 minutes anyhow.
If a marriage has gotten to that point, it's a sad one. Women get the rap for being "responders", but guys are fantastic responders too. Rewind the scenario, and the partners come home from work, both having had stresses, but knowing that desire for each other is the greatest stress reliever, and 100% "sexual energy", as you put it OP, is the one thing on BOTH of their minds. That's a pretty happy marriage I must say. Most of the things people say are the secret to happy marriages are just crap designed to sell books and magazines. When sexual energy becomes as easy as any language between two people who love each other, and there's trust and honesty and love, all the tedious stuff just falls into place. I'd say only the most porn-addicted guys would have any problem with love like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): This is an excellent question as I am in the same boat.
My husband of 7 yrs has checked out.
It almost seems like he as switched me in his brain to be his mother now and not the wife.
Cold and Distant now.
We took that 5 love languages quiz and we will see if that helps.
I wrote on his mirror and spelled it out in big letters what he needs to do in regards to getting me "warmed up." After all you can't drive a car that has been sitting in the garage for a long time without first warming up the engine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): Op here , I should be clear that I am not dismissive or condescending of my partner at all. I'm not quite sure where that assumption came from but I absolutely agree that relationships are two way streets
When one responder says "turning off Is not the way to respond ' , my whole point was that this isn't a choice or something I do on purpose . When I am making effort and a man acts like I am left overs , I actually become totally turned off the relationship . THIS IS AN INTERNAL REACTiON and not a choice ! That's why I asked the question .
I'm not quite sure I was attacked for aupposedly not trying . I have never had any partner complain gbat I don't make 100 percent effort or communicate
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 June 2015):
 The response from 'You wish" could not be more on the money She shows an in-depth reply to your question that most of us could not come up with if we thought about it for a week.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2015):
It's a two way street. The entire burden isn't on just HIM to keep the relationship special. It's on you too. Many women who find themselves in situations like you do before your partner started looking at dating sites start taking their boyfriends for granted, and they're in denial about doing it. For example, instead of their full attention, many women give guys the "leftovers" of their time and interest, start talking condescending or dismissive towards him, and start blaming him for everything that bothers her.
One woman on here blamed their entire relationship on his gaming, not acknowledging that her flirting with her boss at work was causing her to alienate affection. A relationship takes 100% on BOTH sides, not just the guy making the girl feel special.
If your only communication to this effect is to tell him how you're not feeling special, and it isn't to show him how you like being treated (i.e. becoming the change you want to see in him), then where is YOUR effort?? I agree that wandering eyes have no place in a marriage, but neither is neglect or nagging or anything else.
Marriage and relationships are two way streets. Both should make the other feel equally special. You just turning off because you don't feel special enough isn't the way to handle it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2015): of course it is normal. however the only question you need to ask yourself is what interest are you getting bored of? then ask yourself can I fix this and then how can I fix this. if feel you are being used then ask him if he's aware of this. then act accordingly. remember, don't let others allow their actions to obstruct your happiness.
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