A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hello, why is it when men meet what it seems a nice women, they start to like they find out that their, exs treated them bad, abuse them, beat them , they say they want to be treated good, but when you do, they dump you an go back to the guy, who beat them, is it, the good guy comes off as a pussy, not tough enough, cause he wont beat her, but treat her like a lady suppose to be treated. Do they ever regret, breaking the good guys heart. Or do they ever even think about the good again. Thanks Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): When Ciar says; "if they can finally placate that voice, they will feel worthy" she really hits a nail on the head. Tied into this can also be the idea that abused women are often overly-caring in the first place, or overly-empathetic, and feel the pain of other people, so if they are being abused, they feel like their abuser must be in a lot of pain and torment and this is why they are abusive. An abused women will, therefore, often stay and try to show the abuser 'unconditional love' in hope that her love will effectively take away his pain and so stop him from hurting her. it can also be that the woman has a fear of abandonment and needs to feel very bonded to an individual who needs her, even if that need involves almost destroying her - it becomes a duty to her. It may sound strange, but having been there and done that, I can honestly say this can happen. Also, abused women have often had this pattern put in place from childhood, where they may have been encouraged to accept or care for a very difficult family member or several family members, solely on the basis that they are 'family' and even if that family is horrible to them - so the woman's natural boundaries are overridden from a very young age and she has to learn to put them in place later on. It can be hard to do this because the woman who is then trying to assert herself has to overcome obstacles like people around her telling her she has become very self-centred, or expecting her to simply not step out of her subservient way of being.
WhenCowsAttack is also very right when she says it takes time and counselling for a woman to overcome an abusive situation and to put healthy patterns in place - it's not impossible, but it involves first understanding how their feeling of worth is tied into the way that an abusive person treats them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): It depends upon the woman herself, some do regret and some don't.
As for why they go back to abusive men, who knows. Remember that you've only got her word for how her ex actually treated her. She may tell you how awful he was and how he beat her, but unless you saw bruises, it is only her word.
My ex told me what an a-hole her previous partner was, how he'd sexually assaulted her and been violent towards her children. She went back to him twice! Even after we'd split and she was seeing someone else, she still saw the bloke. I don't imagine she has any regrets, it's not in her nature, but I do doubt how honest she was about him.
I think some woman just need the drama of a troubled relationship. When things are going well and they're loved, it's boring. There's no excitement. Your best bet is to move on and forget about her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 OP, some women and men (you'd be surprised how many) return to a toxic former lover because it's a terrain they know and can navigate. I suspect such a person sees that toxic lover as the physical manifestation of their own inner critic and if they can finally placate that voice, they will feel worthy. Many of them think that the abuser is just saying what others are too kind to say. We have had many posts from men and women who are plagued with regret for letting a good one go. There are few victims in life, mostly volunteers. So many people these days who have been or claim to have been abused by someone or other it's becoming cliché. This is pretty ironic in light of all the information and support networks out there. In any event, your lady friend is clearly not a woman of quality. She lacks sound judgment and good character if she would choose an abusive former lover over a decent man.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): Yes, some do regret it. I personally have never dated a "bad boy", at least not anyone that ever beat me. My husband, however, once dated a girl who said he was too nice. But then after he started dating me, she started messaging him on social media, and even tried calling him a few times. She asked about me, and how serious we were. (She knew he was with me because of facebook pictures). Anyway, I'd say she regretted letting him go. He had to block her facebook and phone number to get her to stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2014):
 People who do that are damaged and in need of professional help. Regret is simplifying the issue - women like this can't break patterns. Good guys shouldn't take it personally, and they can't be the knight in shining armor in this case because the damage won't allow the rescue.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 January 2014):
 If they do (regret it) then I can give you the names of more than a dozen who are experiencing regret, right now...
Good luck...
P.S. Do you suppose that women feel any differently from men who do the same thing?????
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (1 January 2014):
It's very very hard to leave an abusive relationship, and abusive men are very good at sucking the women back in.
As a woman who was in abusive relationships through my early 20s, dated a couple of "nice guys" then went back, I can say HELL YES I regret going back to an A-hole, and yes I sometimes wonder what happened to the nice guys- for what it's worth I eventually married a nice guy- the nicest.
So, why do you think you're attracted to women who are in abusive relationships? You're a "fixer", aren't you? A "rescuer"? Just a thought- if you start dating women who are emotionally healthy, you won't need to worry about this anymore! It takes time and counseling for a woman to regain her health after being abused- we can't just hop from that horrible dysfunction into a normal relationship, because we're temporarily broken!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): Everyone is unique. Some people have more guilt about bad things they do than others.
Nice guys finish last a lot when it comes to women but not all the time.
Look for their track record. If a woman has spent years/decades of her adult life with a bad guy then she will probably always want that kind of guy, no matter what she claims to the contrary. Be a decent guy but don't ever put women on a pedestal unless they have earned it.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 January 2014):
 Some would crawl back to you when you are useful to her again, some do feel bad but then oh well life goes on. One thing you have to understand is that just being nice is not going to land you a woman. People who think that are vulnerable to being used. If you don't have a committed girlfriend because she's just not the one for you, nice or not. Women are with the abusive partners because maybe they have more common interests and they thought they if they just stuck it out longer they would get the niceness back from them. Abusive people can't be 100% nasty because they need the sweetness as a bait.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I understand your nice guy feelings. I have been labeled a nice guy or girl and the bad b!;tch and nice girl. I doubt I was a heartbreaker. I dont think the people I dealt with have hearts to some degree if so I been in situations where I know there actions and words show otherwise of having a caring heart but heart of stone. I dont think its a matter of having a heart its a matter of using what do you have to offer what do you want from them. In exchange alot of relationship dont start on this level but start with sex loving making the verb. Its always a issue if your with someone rich or not that its a exchange of something weathet its money abuse negative or positive energy sex time and energy children something is the driving factor for you to even have relations.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): it's difficult to generalize and say most women do regret breaking good guys' hearts or not. There is all kind of women out there. Some of them might be so much in love that they will go back to the guy who treats them badly !!
No offense and I'm not trying to stereotype any group of people but a good example will be celebrities like Rihanna and Chris brown. Remember when he beaten her up, they split and then got back together. You are a good guy, you deserve someone to love you back and this person will come your way.
Good Luck and all the best for 2014 :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): Abuse can be a vicious cycle that some people can't manage to break free from. While they want to be treated well, being treated well can feel foreign and wrong. They go back to the familiar, even though they know it doesn't make them happy. Do they ever regret breaking the good guy's heart? Absolutely, but if they've had a history of being mistreated, they may not know any other way. It's sad, but it happens far too often.
...............................
|
