A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I decided to move in together, before we got married. We have only been living together a little over a week and already argued everyday. The arguments are usually really stupid but I feel like we just get on each others nerves. I know he gets on mine a lot. If I wake up in the middle of the night because our baby wakes up he gets hateful to me, because I ask him to help. He had not lived with our baby until this past week, and he didn't realize how hard it is to be a parent. He gets mean when he doesn't sleep enough. I'm the one who is paying for the place and going to school, while he looks for a job so I feel that its only fair that he wakes up and helps out as much as I do. He doesn't seem to understand that I have a lot on my plate already without him adding to it. We have argued so much this past week that I've threatened to make him leave several times. I really think we were not ready to live together. I'm trying to make things work and he swears the problem is all me. I'm not going to take care of an extra baby ( I mean him). I think he should willing to help out with more housechores than me and wake up at night to help me. He doesn't have any responsibilities while I have a full plate of them. I let him sleep in an extra hour almost every morning. This fighting is starting to make me think differently of him. I'm really scared its going to get worse until one of us decides to quit. I do not want that. Does anyone know what I should do?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 You need to have an adult, calm conversation with him, and bite your teeth to avoid saying unnecessary or hurtful things. When first moving in together, and with a baby to take care of as well, there will be many small bumps in the road. Much of it is how to arrange the practical things. Finding the daily routine. Adapting to living together with each other.
It takes time. It will suck for a while, but then it will get better! But you seriously need to talk to him about taking care of the baby. Not only should he contribute just as much as you, he should do most of the baby-chores as he's unemployed and doesn't need to do anything else all day but look for a job, which in these days he can do from home on the computer.
I assume he's the same age as you. He's immature. He didn't know the baby was so much work. He'll figure it out pretty fast though, but you need to be firm and for a little period of perhaps a few weeks: he's gonna be your baby as well! Teach him how to do things and don't let him slack of so he gets any bad habits and thinks he can get away with being lazy.
Not to sound degrading, but men do need to be trained like dogs in the beginning of a relationship, or in the beginning of moving in together. Set the house-rules. What you're asking for is nothing but fairness. Here's some rules I enforce when living with someone (minus I don't have a baby):
The place is to be cleaned at least once a week, including vacuuming and washing the floor, getting dust out of carpets, dust cleaning everywhere, and do an over-all clean-up. You either share that responsibility, or take turns.
Dishes gets done regularly, every other's turn again.
Then there's the longer list of small chores that we divide up after whats more practical. Taking out the trash for example, who's responsible for laundry, who cooks dinner, how to arrange grocery shopping etc.
Make a list of all the chores and divide the chores. Once he gets to see everything that needs to be done he'll understand you're not exactly asking for much. Add in your own chores of studies to the list as you don't have as much free time as him. You paying for the place has little to do with chores however. But once he gets a job, he should be contributing 50/50 with everything financial.
My guess is he's a mommy's boy who's been catered at home. He doesn't understand that unless he cleans things will get dirty and so on. Is this his first time living on his own? In that case you are forced to deal with a heavy load of immaturity on that level. Learning how to get by on your own is a huge task in itself, then there's the baby, and then there's the relationship and living with you! He's got a lot of adjustment to do.
Don't throw empty threats around to kick him out. He needs more time to adjust, thats for sure. Be firm, but patient.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): I think this has to do a lot with maturity. I feel this man isnt quite there yet otherwise he'd accept these responsibilities. He has his duties definitely and because he's unwilling to accept them, there is conflict. Then there could be the issue that he's stressed from the move and still adjusting to his new environment. Id be a little more patient for two more weeks here and see how things change and if they stay the same or worsen, that should be a clear sign you two possibly shouldnt be living together. Good luck.
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