A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, I've recently noticed a pull away from my boyfriend of 3 months. We've known each other (and have had a thing, for about 6 months). He's my neighbor in my dorm-so or anything were to happen it would be super awkward. He's been super busy with ROTC (Army) [getting up at 4:30/5:30 every morning] and school as well as I. We have a very different type of relationship, so it's not the normal gf/bf. This is his first serious relationship, so I'm giving him a little slack to kind of learn the ropes. We've always hung out quite often, but my best friend moved back home this semester. So I'm feeling pretty lonely. We usually sleep together every night and would have sex quite often. Now we still sleep together and we still cuddle but not as much sex. Maybe going from 3x to once a week? He has his own friends and hobbies which I've never had a problem with and always encouraged. Like I would want him to do for me. I also struggle with anxiety which he can't grasp the concept of hence why I'm overthinking every little thing right now (anxiety came back). My question is is that I don't really know if he's pulling away from me, if he's getting comfortable, or if it's always this way my anxiety has just opened my eyes to a difference. Examples of him pulling away is not talking about my stressors or what I feel anxious about, not spending quality one on one time with me, and hanging out with his friends more than me. About two weeks ago he asked me if I wanted to drive with him to an Army challenge back in my hometown and I said yes. Last week, he said that we were going to make a road trip out of it and stop and cool places along the way. Two days ago he said there's no room for me in the car and it's more important to get the guys there than me. But at this point, a lot of these stressors would be resolved if I went home. I just don't know if I'm doing something that's making him this way or if something is changing. I feel like I may be over compensating as a way people do when they feel a pull away. I don't want to do this because I really don't think there's a real worry it's just me right now and I don't want him to feel like I'm being too clingy. I really really like this kid and am more everyday. I've even met his parents and his brother and friends. This week we went on a super cool date, and everything was fine, then in the middle of the week it kind of changed everything but had slowly been building up before then. Even last night at a party he was the one coming over to me and wanting to be with me. I really need some tips about how to calm down and stop overthinking things and just let everything be how it is. I have a tendency to get really attached and then get my heart broken pretty badly. Do we both just need a break (like spring break and going home not a relationship break) or is it all in my head. Even the littlest bit of advice helps. Thank you!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 The relationship still is quite new, so it is quite early to begin to see problems. If he is at school at in the ROTC well then am sure he is probably pretty exhausted a lot of the time, so the sex thing wouldn't be a big worry, at least he is still beside you at night. It is probably that he is so tired that the sex is not happening. Maybe you should try initiate it more and see if this helps. It is great he has his own friends and hobbies, maybe you should think of taking up some new hobbies, this could be a good way for you to meet new friends, so that you wont be as lonely.
If you are finding it hard to keep your anxiety under control at the moment, then it might be a good time to talk to your doctor, as there is help out there for you, you don't need to suffer this alone. Yes it can be hard that your boyfriend cannot help you, but he just doesn't understand it therefore he is unsure how to help you, don't take this a sign off him not caring, its probably more the fact that he is scared off mental health and tries to ignore it, thats what most people do if they don't understand something they pretend that it is not happening.
If you feel he is not spending enough time with you well then ask him to hang out with you more. Say you miss spending quality time with him, organize a date night for you both. If you are wanting to go home then maybe you can find another way of getting home. It wasn't fair that there was no room in the car for you, after him asking you, and I think you should tell him how this has made you feel. Remember don't ever be afraid to tell him how you are feeling.
I think talking to a professional would help you a lot and get you back on track, there is also a lot of herbal remedies that you can take to help keep you calm and relaxed.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 March 2016):
 Sometimes we can lose ourselves in relationships, that's especially so for people who don't socialise often and only have one or two good friends. The introverted types also live their lives internally and need to understand everything thoroughly. Whether you want to go home it's up to you. You can even catch up with your best friend whom you missed. It feels free when you can make decisions outside of your relationship without feeling it's problematic. You should adapt the attitude like you want to go home, because you miss the environment, without sounding like there's something wrong. You just need to use your time to enjoy doing whatever you want, and not worry about the relationship.
I don't think you did anything wrong or that your boyfriend was purposefully pulling away. Maybe the car trip to the army base was uncalculated and made you feel left out. Otherwise what you have is good. I know it would be painful to not be able to express your anxieties, at the same time he doesn't have the solutions to them. He can't be held there just to listen to you when his instinct is just to tell you not to worry.
I am not qualified to speak about mental health. I guess it would be useless to just tell people to get over it and to stop worrying, and that your fears are just self imposed. Imagine a young guy, being in a first relationship, he's even more clueless as to how to help you.
I did have anxiety before. Not because I had a bad childhood or abused or anything. I didn't pick my partners carefully and I just absorbed other people's energy and it became my own. I can't tell you how to conquer anxiety but just to tell you I went through it and it didn't kill me. It just made me stronger.
Another tip that might be useful is that until you understand men and how they work, you will always remain anxious. Men and women can be different in the way that it is natural for men to disconnect, to pull back before they have the energy to come back to their women. Women are constantly tuned in. They have less of a need to retreat into caves. This is the basic incompatibility between men and women and that's also the reason why there used to be a pop psychology advice that men have to be the ones who love more, so that the women feel secure in the relationship. The key is to determine whether the pull back is natural, or it's a sign that he's losing interest. I don't think your boyfriend is losing interest. He has a full life and he needs proper sleep.
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