A
male
age
41-50,
*nthony 33
writes:Do we go ahead and get engaged and married after four years of an on off relationship or do we go our separate ways?!Hi, I ve posted on this website before and I ve found the answere really helpful so I am hoping for some advice please. Basically I have been in a 4 year on / off relationship and my girlfriend wants to get engaged now. I love her dearly I really do and I believe she loves me, the problem is we have split up so many times over the past 4 years and so much negative stuff happened between us. I am afraid that we could go ahead with getting engaged and married only for something to happen and she would leave me again. Also, if I am truly honest while I can forgive the breakups, its difficult to totally forget the stuff that happened particularly when I never once called it off. I know that this is just one side of the story of our relationship and there are of course two sides, but I will try and give as objective an overview as I can. I apologise in advance if this seems a bit long but as I am about to make possibly the biggest decision of my life I want to get it right. Four years ago she came to work in the city that I was living in, she had a long term boyfriend (I thought their relationship was off ) when we first got together. We spent every evening together and were intimate, however as she would return home every single weekend I quickly realised that something was not quite right. We talked about it and she told me she had a boyfriend but she wasnt sure what she wanted to do. We kept in contact until Christmas which was when she returned to her home city to live. I guess I should have cut contact as soon as I found out about him, but she said she couldnt decide between us. When I pushed her for an answer she would say "time will tell" and as I had by this stage fallen deeply in love with her I hoped that she would chose me. I talked to my sister about this and she thought I had low self esteem to continue seeing someone who hadnt completely split up from her previous boyfriend. I thought that by giving her space and time she would return to me. When it came for her to move back to her home city, she moved in with him straight away and basically cut all contact with me. I found this extremely painful but with time came to accept that I was probably just a fling while she was in my city. Four months later they split up and she moved out of his house. She then contacted me and asked about giving us another go. I was extremely hesitant ( as were my friends and family as they seen how hurt I was 1st time ) but after a long chat and the fact that she said she was now truly single we decided to give it another go. As soon as we started going out her sister half joking half serious told me to "watch her as she has a roving eye". We started going out and about two to three months into the relationship this time I sensed something was not right. I asked her if she was in contact with her ex and she swore on several occassions that they were finished. One evening while flicking through photos on her camera I came across photos of her ex taken at his house. The camera shows the dates the pictures were taken and it was four months after we started going out. When I asked her about this she said I had no right looking at her pictures ( which I accept may be true however I never would have found out if I didnt)We talked through it and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. She had some time off work so we decided to get a house together. Two months after moving in we had an arguement about bills - she didnt want to contribute anything towards them. The end result was her clearing all her stuff out of the house, throwing the key back at me and moving out. This was the second time we split up and so I decided to leave her alone completely after this. A short time later she started ringing and texting and coming up to visit and eventually we started going out again. This time she got a job in the same city as me again and moved in with me again. In order not to be arguing about bills I paid for everything. I also always pay for meals, trips to cinema etc. Even with that, about six weeks after moving in she moved out again as we were arguing about small stuff. I had found out that as well as visiting her ex behind my back, she was ringing and texting him. My condition for taking her back was that she would stop contacting him and also remove him from her facebook page. She agreed to stop contacting him but wouldnt remove him from her FB page. So she called it off ( for the 3rd time ) and changed her FB status to single. This automatically changed my status to single. Ironically I was then asked out by another girl - she would never have done this unless my status was single. When my ex - girlfriend started contacting me again I told her about this. She then said she wanted us to get back together again. I was hesitant about it but I forgave her and so we got back together again. Three months after getting back together she became cool and distant again. She kept talking about how her laptop was really important to her and it was a present. We both knew that it was her previous boyfriend that bought it to her. Anyhow she called it off again ( 4th time). This time I was determined to move on. The pattern by now is familiar, usually about a month after we split up and when I am just about starting to re-build my shattered life she would show up again, we would get back together, she would call it off and I would be right back where I started. A short time later she started contacting me again. We had now had an off relationship for two years. This time I said we were not getting back together unless we were getting engaged. Her response was "we ll just go with the flow". Three months later, her close friends started to get engaged, one by one. These would have been her partying friends. Where we had been in an on off relationship they had been going steady for years. Then she decided she would like to get engaged. Given that we had such a volatile relationship I was suprised at this. Because I was hesitant and didnt want to make a mistake, I took a job in a different city for four months. I guess I thought if she is still serious time shouldnt be a barrier. We had daily phone contact however when I returned she refused to meet me unless I proposed with an engagement ring. At this stage we had three years of an on off relationship. I tried to explain that I wanted a steady constant relationship before getting engaged so for another two months she wouldnt see me. When we did get back together I was never invited on nights out with her friends. When her friends had house parties I would find out about them after they had happened. When I asked her why she didnt invite me she would say she either forgot or thought I didnt want to come. Que another breakup.That brings us up to the last four months where we have been going out steadyish, however in the background is the fact that she is waiting for an engagement ring. She has now said that if we are no longer a couple and she is going out to meet someone else unless I propose. There were another five times when we broke up and got back together however I didnt put the details in here as it would make this too long, also on those occassions we got back together again after a shorter period of time. I have never been the one to actually call it off, though she would say my actions would have contributed to it on some occassions. My friends and family ask why I am so forgiving, I guess its because in spite of everything I have said, I really really love her and if we didnt have this volatile on off relationship then I would have proposed a long time ago. They think that in this relationship I have always been the giver and she has always been the taker.When the relationship is good, its great, when its bad - its called off completely.Which leaves me torn between deciding to go ahead and get engaged, or do we go our separate ways once and for all?Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your advice
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): Its best to leave her and find someone who you can trust. Love had many dimensions - we love people because we trust them, or because we gain so much extra in life because of their influence and energy, or because we share common interests and goals, or because we have a similar value system, or because we lust after them. Consider which one of those is the reason why you "love" her. Sometimes, we confuse "love" with a "convenience relationship" or because we are lonely or because they are alluring for their beauty or physique. Importantly, to continue to love someone, you need to have all elements in place, otherwise your relationship wont last. If you love her because she's beautiful or you are intimate, well, that may change with time - everyone changes physically. If you love her because of her as a person and a personality then you are right on track - that's the one element that remains "stable' over time - no matter if you're 30 or if you're 80. Think about it. Think if you really love her or if you actually lust her and miss the company because to me, she doesnt sound like a "life partner" and you may be heading towards a life of misery.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 October 2012):
I definitely say you go your separate ways, and as soon as possible. This girl has been toying with your heart for the past 4 years, not being serious about working things out with you, but being selfish enough to keep coming back to mess with your head. She does not sound anywhere ready enough to be engaged or married. Every time that there has been a conflict (even minor), she storms off in a huff. From what I read, it seems like she hasn't even managed to live with you for more than a few weeks before moving out in a huff due to a fight. How do you think marriage will work? And on top of that, it seems as though she still is talking to and possibly seeing her ex. And she doesn't seem to have any problem dumping you for another guy if you don't propose immediately. No way is she marriage material. Someone who is marriage material is someone who cares enough about you to compromise and work things out, not bail at the first sign of trouble.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 4 years on and off... and you are on the fence.. my vote is NO
I've been married a few times... and each time I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do...
if you have to ask it's not the right thing to do.
In fact, if you are old enough to think about marrying and want to start finding someone to marry it may be time to end the relationship...
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I have no doubt that this girl is 100% wrong for you and under no circumstance should you marry her. You could have said this one sentence and that would have been enough to convince me she is not the girl for you:
"she is going out to meet someone else unless I propose."
She doesnt want you, she obviously just wants the ring on her finger, who she marries is irrelevant. If she truly loved you and you were 'the one' she would wait as long as it takes to prove to you that the relationship is back on track. Yet clearly she is not interested in proving to you that the relationship is stable again, and she clearly doesnt care who she marries, as long as someone proposes soon so she can be like her friends.
She sounds so immature its unreal, she is nowhere near ready for marriage so dont allow yourself to get stuck with this one, she is bad news!
You need to find someone who loves you for you, not someone who is just in a rush to get engaged. You deserve someone who thinks you are 'the one', not someone who thinks that you are ok for now.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 I suppose if you want a cyclical pain/plasure marraige the you shouls "tie the knot" Or, if you like being dropped and played for a clown you could just keep things as they are now. If it were me I'd find a new source of pain.
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