A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I realized that I have a habit of doing things for people because I feel pressured or it is "the right thing to do" but then I resent doing it and take it out on people.I realize that is an unhealthy thing to do because people know I resent them but I feel like if I say "No" then I will feel guilty about it and they might also be upset.It's sort of like damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't want to be resentful of people and I doubt they want me to resent them. On the other hand, if I don't do it that will also breed bad feelings. How can I escape this cycle where I can do things if I genuinely want to but say no other times and have it be okay to do so. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2023): My suggestion would be that you do five things:1. Try to understand the early childhood patterns that made you this way. This kind of tendency - I'm going to call it being a 'people pleaser' but there are other phrases you could use, such as being 'overly-responsible' or 'overly-empathetic' (and many more ways of describing it) - is usually something that becomes conditioned in childhood and growing up. It's often to do with being neglected by parents, in ways that we don't notice consciously at the time, because it's just our 'normal' ie. we don't know anything else. The effects of negligence - and I don't necessarily mean being totally and utterly abandoned, I mean that small, almost unnoticeable lack of actions from parent to child, that chip away at your self esteem and shape you in a way that basically adds up to a child and adolescent and then an adult who has this very deeply ingrained message that they're not even conscious of, that goes something like: "I have to do without (care, people, celebrating me, people doing nice things just for me, people listening and understanding me, people accepting me just for who I am and loving me just for who I am".What happens when you are brought up in this slow, steady, 'chipping away' neglectful environment, is that you are also usually also asked to provide, in ways that you don't realise are happening. Even in childhood, you will be asked to do seemingly small things - practical and emotional - that mean you are slowly and steadily put into the position of caretaker and provider. It can be things like being the listening and empathising one for a Mum or Dad that can't cope emotionally with something, and has no one to turn to, so they turn to you, even in childhood. It can be things like being a middle child and other children taking up all the attention and practical energy from parents, so you get called upon to do things like the laundry, or cooking meals, or babysitting (but without anyone ever asking or understanding what you would like to be doing instead). it can be things like your family having no money to spare, so you have to give up the idea of having new clothes so that your siblings can have them instead. It can even be things like sharing your food or possessions but in a way that makes you feel like you yourself are not deserving of anything of your own. It can even be things like having no choice but to be the calm, peace-making member of a chaotic or violent family because there is a pressure, that no one ever acknowledges, for someone to provide the missing stability that holds a family in place.These two kinds of attitudes and approaches from parents usually go hand in hand and these are what makes children into early 'people-pleasers'. As a child, you learn slowly and surely that giving to others and doing without feels good, because you learn to get a buzz from the attention that you get from people saying how kind you are etc. and praising you. It can also be because you may be manipulated or abused, made to feel bad about yourself, if you ask for any form of care or attention or item for yourself that is normal.- in abusive families this can happen. The problem with this is that you are set up for a life of 'give, give, give' until there's nothing left because your own ability to receive, and to ask to be provided with things, is not being nurtured. You are basically trained to malfunction.Other people aren't conditioned in this way. Many of us are, but others aren't. It would be easy to become resentful, angry, withdrawn, and so on, because by the time you get to a stage in your life where you start to realise something is wrong, you feel exploited, used, like the world is full of greedy, uncaring people. it can become extremely depressing. I would suggest do some homework, first, to understand why this pattern sets in, so that you understand yourself.2. Do as Honeypie suggests and practice saying "No". Forgive yourself for getting it wrong at first, forgive yourself for upsetting people, forgive yourself for being rejected by some people and made to feel bad. Try not to hate the others for making you feel this way when you say "No". Realise that what you are doing is re-training life-long patterns that won't change overnight but WILL, with practice, change your life.3. Start to fill the void that will be inside, somewhere, that has been created by you not receiving from others and not knowing how to ask. Start nurturing your soul and psyche and body with things that are healthy and feel good. There are hundreds of activities out there, and also 'inactivities' like meditation, more sleep, floatation tanks, lying on a beach, star-gazing. Activities in nature can be very nourishing - hiking, gardening, outside swimming. Activities like learning how to cook better, doing DIY for your own home and environment. Immerse yourself in groups where there is a shared activity that is healthy and that you enjoy - in this way you know for sure that the people in that group have the same or similar values to yourself and that's a good place to start.4. Practice asking people to provide small things and then larger things for you. By things I mean acts of kindness, practical tasks, or giving you material things. If this feels incredibly awkward at first, it's a sign that this part of your inter-social repertoire is very under-utilised. Challenge yourself to thing how you could start this process. What is a small thing that you could ask of someone like a cashier, a bartender, an attendant. Maybe start by thinking of it as very small 'inconveniences' to the other person. I mean 'inconveniences' that might take a second or so longer than usual, like saying "Please wait whilst I get my wallet out of my car, I left it in there'. Factor these things in deliberately. You may even want to change the style in which you ask for things. For example, rather than saying "Just a coffee with milk please" (which effectively downgrades and minimises the request and, by association, you) ask instead by saying "I would like a large coffee with cream please" (which effectively upgrades your status by declaring from the start what your preference is, effectively upgrading you too). 5. Respect that, when you do start to involve healthier, more reciprocal people in your life, and you do start to receive back and learn how to ask for what you want, you may always have a bit of a tendency to want to help others. Something in your psyche will have rewarded you for giving to others. That's not, fundamentally a bad thing. Where it's gone awry is that it's been very imbalanced from the start. Don't worry if you give and then feel a bit resentful. Keep practicing all of the above Your basically learning how to undo a lifetime of off-kilter giving and receiving and it takes time, things may go a bit 'wrong', people may react badly at first, but it will work.If you don't fancy doing the homework of learning more about background conditioning, you can simply practice the day to day stuff. But you will gain more overall, including a hugely increased understanding of others and how you interact with them, if you do this research first - you can google things like "How did I become a people pleaser" and take it from there. You will learn to understand the difference between giving something because you want to and giving out of conditioned habit and because you yourself don't know how to say "No' and don't know what else to do to value your life so that you are simply busy enjoying it and less available in the first place for people to take up your time and your resources.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2023): My mother and father always expected me to be at their beck and call, their unpaid skivvy, even when I was grown and married and working long hours running my own business they expected me to take days off of work to do their shopping and other ridiculous, selfish things that were very one sided.
You must learn to say no because unless you do you become nothing but a convenience, people don't respect you, they don't like you, they only want you when it suits them and they get something out of it. When you say no you get rid of rubbish people and you know those who remain like you and are not only with you for the things you do for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2023): Oh dear, I can relate.
In my case I was brought up to take care of others. So I just didn't know how to be that person who knows what they want and say no.
And did people use me.
My so called friends.
They knew that I was uncomfortable with disappointing them, so they would manipulate me and emotionally blackmail me and I could see all that for what it was and just let them.
And then one day I stopped.
I stopped offering help to people.
At first, when refusing something, I had to lie that I couldn't do a thing I was asked to do because I had to work. You see, that was the only thing these people knew better than to try to talk me out of.
And with time, I stop explaining when refusing.
And make no mistake you have to learn to embrace being uncomfortable, because people will do everything they can to put you back "in place".
I stayed saying no only 4 years ago and I'm 46 now! It is never too late.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 October 2023):
 Practice.
The more you do it, the easier it gets.
I used to say yes to things I really didn't want to do - like babysitting when I had other plans, or cooking for a large crowd - being "voluntold" so to speak. My husband, especially, was VERY "good" at offering my "help" to others without ASKING me first if I wanted to. He's done it for over 20 years until I just said no. Not going to do it.
I'm getting much better at it. He might get a little upset, but hey - I have told him for 25 + years to ASK me FIRST before committing the doing ABC, so when he doesn't ask... I'm going to say no if I don't feel like doing ABC.
No is a complete sentence,
But you can say no in so many ways that "sound nicer".
I appreciate the offer, but I can't.
I'm honored, but can't.
I'd love to, but I can't.
I appreciate the invitation, but I am completely booked.
Thanks for thinking of me, but I can't.
Regrettably, I'm not able to.
You're so kind to think of me, but I can't.
All you have to do is START.
Once you start saying no, you can then PICK and CHOOSE what you want to say YES to! (and not feel resentful)
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