A
female
age
30-35,
*heeky Madam
writes:Well my boyfriend of 5 years wants to marry me, I no he won't propose this year as my sister is getting married so it will more than likely happen when I'm 21. [Mod note: the posters age is 19]I feel like we have been through a lot and last August he moved in with me mainly because of problems with his parents. They treated him like a small child and refuse to acknowledge how long me and my boyfriend have been together. They said we weren't a real couple and should have to do things together but his older brother was I a relationship for two years and they are a real couple an if you invite one well the other has to go. I get annoyed by this but I'm worried about telling them as when I do marry my boyfriend I dread to think what the atmosphere will be like as his mother already dislikes me. Do other people think we are too young? Or that we don't count as a real couple? Any comments would be great, would be nice to get an idea of what we will be up against when we do announce it :)Just to add my boyfriend lived away for a year at university for the first month I just cried and wasn't eating properly but after that I pulled it together, I still missed him but I got on a did stuff to take my mind off it :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Look I can't speak for either of your parents but I do question your motives for wanting to get married at your age because you mention nothing of your plans for a career, his career, living together or anything like that and I wonder why you want to get married, spend all that money on a wedding without having any of that stuff first, without even having setting up your adult life yet.
Look I know people get married before having that stuff at times, but the reality is OP at 19 this is pretty much only the start of your adult relationship. 5 years in a teenage relationship does count for a lot, I'm not disputing that but you have no idea yet where your adult life is going to take you or him, career-wise, in terms of the things you want to achieve, the places you want to go. You're talking about giving up your independence right at the moment that you get it, that's a huge sacrifice that you may not be aware of OP.
In that respect I think marriage is something you should keep until you're settled into being an adult, both have your careers started, your travelling done, have your own place together even if it's just renting. I mean if you're going to be spending the rest of your life with him then what's the hurry? Why the big hurry to get married if you plan on being with him forever?
Personally I think the thousands spent on getting married, the engagement all that stuff would be better used to set up both your lives, to pay for college, down payment on a flat, etc.
I think you'd be better served building your life together first before you get married and maybe that's how they think too. Please don't tell me that you want to get married out of love and a need to prove your love to his and your parents OP, if that's the case then it's definitely too soon. If you want to get married before you even have your life together set up that too is too soon. I mean you want to be a wife living at home with her parents or while he's off somewhere else studying? Why not wait until you can be married and living together in your first year of marriage as husband and wife?
OP at the end of the day it's you life, if this is what you and he want then ignore what I or anyone else think. I just think settling into marriage at 19-20 without enjoying your independence first and building your career may not be the smartest decision. You're going to be together forever right? Then there's no hurry at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): I met my partner when we were both 16. Rather than cause hassle and allow people to judge us we let them realise over time that we were a couple that was going to last. At 16 we both said we would marry each other but rather than declare it to everyone we decided what's the rush?!
If we really were going to be together forever, why get married at an age where people are too ready to tell you "you're too young, you don't know what you want..."
So we moved in together at 17 which was enough for family to get their heads around but we both worked hard, enjoyed being young together as well as having our own space. Over the years we saved an at 22 we bought our house and then shortly after became engaged. Over the years people realised we were different to lots of young couples-we actually lasted. So when we bought our house all our family expected the next step to be engagement and were all very pleased.
You don't need to rush. If you are what each other wants in a partner then whether you marry next year, 5 years or 10 years won't matter because you'll still be with each other.
You want your wedding day to be one of joy too, so give it time for the tensions to pass. Your partners mum probably still sees him as the little boy he once was. Once you get your own place and show everyone you can make it work while running a home and holding down jobs they might see you are both growing up and making responsible decisions. Over time you should get to know her, so she can see the person her son is choosing to spend his life with.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (16 March 2013):
 Everyone is different. Some people meet when they are children and go on to marry and stay together for the rest of their lives. Others do not. All I can tell you about my experience is that I am not the same person at 29 asI was when I was 19. My tastes have changed a lot. But that's me and had nothing to do with your situation. You and your boyfriend may change as people and grow in different directions as you get into your 20s and 30s. You may split up and you may stay together. No one can know. It's not really anyone else's business, though. A lot of people who are much older have ridiculous relationships where they treat each other terribly or allow themselves to be treated terribly. You should do what you feel is right. If things work out, yay for you, if they don't, I hope that the people belittling you're relationship now are supportive and don't say they told you so.
Just out of interest, why doesn't his mother like you?
Good luck, by the wary.
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