A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Are there any men out there who have shied away from beginning a relationship with a girl they like because they were still hurting from their last relationship? I’ve been given the bad timing, not over the ex line by a guy I have been spending some time with. Everything seemed to be going really really well. He said he’d liked me for years and years, he drove 120 miles to spend the weekend with me, we’ve done the whole couply thing like walks on the beach and trip to the zoo and then he tells me he is scared we’re starting a relationship and that he can’t go there. The whole time we spent together (about 2 months) I felt as though he was on a bit of elastic. He would come my way only to recoil back pretty quickly. It seemed as though he wanted to be with me but just wouldn’t let himself.In case it helps the history with his ex is they were together for three years. She lived about 80 miles away so they saw each other only at weekends. She gave him a three month ultimatum to move in with her and he didn’t. He tells me this was his most significant relationship to date (he’s mid thirties) and suspects he may be a commitment phobe.Is there really any point in me trying to be friends with this guy and waiting to see what happens? I’d really appreciate the male view on this as I’ve been told by some girl friends I should ignore him and if he’s really interested he’ll come to me, but if I do that – won’t he simply think I’m ignoring him???
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female
reader, Feanix +, writes (5 October 2008):
 Then to be frank, I mean I may only be twenty but it sounds to me that if he is making moves and not the move like dipping your toe in a lake and never taking a plunge hes not as crazy about you as you are him. However if you think he believes that he is a distraction then tell him truely with no bullshit how you feel and what you want for he may have shut down because he doesnt know what your after like thinking (is this person gonna hurt me, do they really want me or am I just a fuck). Thats the only way to truely get an answer. Tell him what you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for your answer.
I too have just come out of an 11 year relationship so I completely hear you when you say people look for a distraction. I'm concerned he might think that he was mine! And too an extent he was but I told him I was worried that I had such strong feelings for him so soon after such a long relationship but I guess this freaked him out even more.
Just to clarify we have been friends for many years but became very close over this two month period after bumping into each other and both finding out we were single. He definitely made plenty of moves. It wasn't until it dawned on him that we were beginning a relationship that he suddenly shut down.
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A
female
reader, Feanix +, writes (4 October 2008):
Ok there are several things in this that need answering. One, when a relationship ends and they do;its a sorry state of affairs;people will go looking for someone to take their mind of the other person, beleive me Ive been there. He is obviously scared of getting hurt as we all are however no matter how afraid you are if you want something bad enough you will do anything in your power to get it. He seems like a lovely guy but he is very messed up right now and is using you as a distraction from his ex. If you have spent two months as friends and he hasnt made a single move chance are he isnt interested at this current point. To be blunt his mind is elsewhere. Leave him be and when he wakes up and sees you arent there he'll soon come running
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