A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do married men who cheat have more than one mistress or do they stick with one for a long time if she is willing to stay with him?Would it not be too complicated to have multiple women when he already has a wife AND a mistress? Just having a wife alone is complicated enough. I mean, where would they find the time, the energy, the stamina, the excuses to pull something like that off? It has big time potential of backfiring the more people that are involved in their secrets.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 April 2015):
 I can only say what i know. Some will some won't. My aunt was a mistress for 25 years and when he died she mourned all alone and his wife was the widow with all the support.
Will a man who lies and cheats on one woman lie and cheat on another? Possibly. Possibly not.
each man is going to be different. However, what is clear is that he has the ability to lie and cheat so that he may be more inclined to do so than a man who won't lie or cheat.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 April 2015):
 The problem with offering the reassurance sought by the OP is that the mistress - ANY mistress - is seeking "fidelity" (to the extent that she can get it from a man who has another woman in his life already) from someone who has already proven, by his very liaison with her, that long term devotion to JUST one woman is a problem for him. Unlike the wife, the mistress does not have the anchors of mixed finances, mutually held assets, children if there are any, and the perception of friends and family to keep the man by her side even when things go sour. A married man may grow out of love with his wife, even HATE her, and yet stay with her for any of these reasons. If he falls out of love with the mistress, there are no such ties to keep them together.
It's worth noting that the backfire alluded to by the OP and anon #2 goes both ways. Yes, the married man has things to lose if the affair is made public, but the same factors that keep him in a supposedly unhappy marriage will make his wife that much less likely to walk away of her own accord.
As for the mistress, she may feel she has revenged herself by exposing the cheater... but it's akin to mud wrestling in that BOTH parties look filthy in the end. The double standard of "the tempted man" and "the homewrecker" may not be right or fair but it's ingrained in modern culture to this day. If a man cheats, he must have been led astray; the woman who cheats with him is a Jezebel, a temptress, a whore. THIS I do not agree with, as it takes two to tango and the man is responsible for his own actions. But right or wrong, a mistress who exposes herself as having been one can pretty well expect blame and scorn all around. We see this play out in the news media all the time. To this day Angelina Jolie, in addition to her many accomplishments, is the woman who broke up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, even though Brad Pitt's actions broke up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. See what I mean?
Even in relationships and marriages where cheating has NEVER been an issue there is no way to state with 100 percent certainty that it will never be an issue in the future. That's where trust comes in - or where it should.
For a mistress, cheating is ALREADY an issue because it's how she's in the married man's life in the first place. All parties being adults, the man and mistress are free to carry on as they choose. But I don't consider it wise advice to sit here and tell someone that a man who is deceiving his wife in an ongoing manner is a good candidate in which another woman should place trust. I would never give such advice to a sister or a friend and am not about to provide it here either.
Never forget that whatever a married man may tell his mistress about his wife and the troubles of their marriage, he once loved the wife enough to drop to his knees, give her a ring and swear in front of all his friends and family that he would cherish her forever. Whatever feelings he has for the mistress, they are not strong enough to be worth a divorce (or he would get one) so that he can show the same love and appreciation to her. If even the love that led this man to marriage was not strong enough to keep him from looking elsewhere, a mistress with less of the "safety net" that would potentially deter cheating must not assume it can't also happen to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Why does everybody share the view that ALL married men who cheat will cheat with anybody at any time, given the opportunity?I mean, not all cheaters are alike and not all men who cheat are serial cheaters and no two situations are alike either. How can you say they are all apples when in fact there could be oranges or peaches in the bunch?Yes you can say the likelihood to reoffend is higher. But that does not mean the end result will be cheating definitively. I think some married men are in fact in unsatisfying marriages and have met a woman who satisfies them. Which means no need to look elsewhere. It isn't always about sex either. Oftentimes the other woman meets the man's emotional needs.I do believe logistically it is very difficult to juggle multiple mistresses when you have a wife and a main mistress. I am pretty certain the level of stress for the married man already living a double life and worried about being found out is taking its toll. I highly doubt he would want to add extra risks to an already risky lifestyle. And extra stress. Where would they find the TIME, the ENERGY, the STAMINA, the EXCUSES? You can say they are adept liars but they will meet their match in one woman who will blow them out of the water sooner or later. I highly doubt they want to play with that kind of fire if they do not want to lose EVERYTHING.Not all men are out for immediate gratification. The smart ones will THINK about it and about the consequences. The more women involved the more room for error and uncovering all his secrets. I highly doubt he would want to get the mistress pissed off if she has already told him in no uncertain terms that he had better behave. That enough should keep him in line... if he is SMART. You can never predict the behaviour of women, especially women scorned. A smart man will weigh all of the outcomes and tread very carefully. The ones who seek immediate gratification are SERIAL cheaters who do it for the thrill. They likely get away with it because all of their conquests are hit 'em and quit 'em. One night stands. No long term relationships involved. If a man has a LONG TERM mistress he definitely has no need to play the field. Nor would he want to because the mistress over time becomes like the wife and if she is betrayed, he just never knows what she is capable of. Why? Because a woman who stays with a married man has obviously INVESTED herself in this "relationship" and he has obviously sold her the illusion of it being a "relationship" so she will be more than pissed if he dips his stick elsewhere. He would know this. And yes he does owe her loyalty if he is with her a long time. As she has been LOYAL TO HIM.There are men who were comfortably married and had absolutely no intention of cheating until they met the right woman and the situation escalated. And there are those that always cheated. Probably right from the start and to the end. So there are serial cheaters and those who found themselves unhappy enough with their marriage to cheat when the right woman came along.Everybody here seems to have a crystal ball and a set formula or pattern on how a married man will behave. You can't predict.Some may never cheat again.I mean is it not possible to find a woman who makes YOU HAPPY?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2015):
 Does it matter?
It's not like a man who is WILLING to cheat on his wife (no matter WHAT excuse he gives) is a great catch or person.
If he is WILLING to cheat on a wife, with whom he has shared vows (and yes they DO mean something to most people) then why not cheat on a mistress whom he OWES nothing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): I guess it depends on the guy. I would think that if a guy cheats, he is probably going to do so with anybody who is available to cheat with. So yeah there would be multiple woman involved in his cheating. If a guy who is a cheater is only sleeping with his wife and his mistress it is most likely because he does not have other women available to him.
A guy who is cheating is probably not worrying too much about it backfiring on him. His focus is on getting immediate gratification.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (19 April 2015):
I would say it depends on the motives that drove him to cheat in the first place.
If he's cheating on his wife because he's bored with the marriage, what happens when he gets bored with the half-relationship he shares with the mistress? The precedent to look elsewhere has already been set.
I don't know many married cheaters but the two I do know didn't stop at one affair. One is a relative of mine (unfortunately) and the other is a former coworker who routinely shared stories about his extramarital exploits at work, in front of anyone who happened to be in the room. Even the guys thought he was a pig.
As far as hiding it goes, if the man is successfully concealing a long-term affair from the woman he's MARRIED to, it's a given that he's an adept liar. He could easily tell mistress #1 he has to spend the day with his wife, a line she's used to hearing on weekends and holidays already.
I will never forget, as a kid, the school friend whose dad made up an elaborate story about going on a guys' trip to a dude ranch in Montana for two weeks. He even got hold of fake brochures to show their family, sent postcards, the works. Well, he went to Montana all right, but the trip didn't involve a dude ranch. It was a secret vacation with a woman who wasn't his wife. (His wife, as it happens, was home fighting cancer.) Eventually he was found out and all our parents were scandalized and talked about it to one another.
What stayed with me wasn't just the fact that my friend's dad was an unparalleled variety of douchebag, but that sufficiently motivated cheaters are capable of all kinds of crazy deception to cover their tracks.
If you are asking for advice for yourself I would tell you to leave the married cheater (like, yesterday) and if you are asking this question for a friend you should suggest that she do the same.
Good luck and best wishes.
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