A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've always enjoyed this site and have really benefitted from the insight offered on other peoples questions so I figure I'll ask one myself and see if you can shed some light and offer me some piece of mind. My serious girlfriend (who I will marry very soon) has had, including me, seven sexual partners. I've heard that's the national average although I'm not concerned with averages or judging her based on the them. I'm her third serious boyfriend and the rest were flings with people she knew at college (one with a guy she met for two days at a friends college) The thing is, her four casual hookups (and fifth hookup with an old which resulted in a six year relationship) took place over a six month period (her so-called experimental phase or "slut-phase" as it has been described as on the internet). Is this kind of phase common amongst women? Obviously, it is easier for a woman to go through a phase like this because men are clearly more "co-operative" in the manner. I've had it easier than many men in hooking up but not nearly as easy as the average woman. So my question is: How common is it for a woman to go through a brief experimental phase like this and what might be some motivations. testing sexual power? responding to being a late-bloomer? (as she most certainly was by new york city standards) self-esteem? maybe just getting it all in before graduation? or as simple as drinking and having fun after what she has described as a dull and eventually sexless two year relationship? Do many women "rack up their numbers" or sow there wild oats in a concentrated period of time just because they can?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I'm a man that has never been promiscuous. I am only interested in dating women who have held themselves to the same standard. I think the "experimenting" label that people use to defend these slutty periods is pretty ludicrous. As if somehow the STDs, pregnancies, and emotional consequences won't kick in if they haven't declared themselves committed to the casual sex lifestyle yet?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Yes it is common especially among younger women. Just like men, we want to have a wild, good time, and see what the world has to offer. Not all women do it, just like not all men do it. It depends on the person, some are satisfied with just a few partners and then they settle down, others want to experience as much as possible.
I am in my 20s as are my female friends and all of us have gone through a phase like this, I am still in mine, because I enjoy it. I enjoy sex but I get bored by being with the same man multiple times. I love to see what different men are like in bed, seeing different bodies and seeing their different moves. I find it very exciting. I don't have low self esteem, which I know people might assume. I just genuinely enjoy sex and want to experience it as much as possible. And there are so many attractive men out there I'd feel like I was limiting myself by sticking with just one. I've slept with much more than your girlfriend too, so have most of my friends. Among my friends we do it because we like it! We like men and we like sex!
But one day I'll probably find a man who I want to be with for a long time and I'll have to put this behind me. As of right now I have no interest in a relationship but I don't see why I should miss out on sex just because I don't want to be in love. A lot of men can't handle this... they often want more, even though that's stereotypically what females want... I have found that men aren't as good at casual sex as I am, they get attached too quickly, and want to be exclusive, which is a big part of the reason I end up moving on. I think people assume way too much about men and women... we are more similar than we are different, including in our sexual attitudes- especially among younger people, where we aren't as affected by outdated stereotypes. Things are getting much more equal in terms on men and women and promiscuity. I don't think it's a bad thing so long as everyone wears condoms and uses birth control. It's a healthy and normal exploration of sexuality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): I think a lot of women betray themselves by being promiscious because of the messages they receive in the media and advertising. I feel that young women now are much more confused than women from previous generations. Many times what seems like a 'slut' phase is really a girl thinking that if a man wants her sexually, that means he likes her or is interested in dating her....this is usually not the case. After a girl does this for a while and gets hurt alot, she realizes the media lies and becomes true to her heart.
I believe that until we start sending out better sexual messages to young girls, it is only going to get worse...imagine the men in future generations dealing with the fact that their girlfriends have had hundreds of partners!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Every woman is going to be different in this regard. I'm 22 and have slept with three people in my life. Only one was a casual "fling" and I learned that's just not my style. Never tried it again. On the other hand I have a friend my age who has been with 15+ partners (that she will admit to) so probably more. And then you have the women who wait till marriage to have sex and are with the same man their whole lives. My hat goes off to those women, although I wouldn't change things and wait if I could do it all over again. My only point with these anecdotes is that every girl is different and you just can't judge someone based only on their sexual history. Any number of factors could have driven her to sleep with the amount of men she chose to and low self esteem is often one of these factors. Again, don't know your gf but it's a possibility.
Your girlfriend has been with seven people and you are number 7. I know guys look at this as a negative thing (girls don't get to be players) but look at it this way, who did she end up with? You. Who is she going to settle down with? You. Best of all, the fact that she has been around the block a little means she knows what she wants and you are it. Not every girl, but some, who marry their first or second partner haven't really experienced what's out there and will realize this at some point and be tempted to stray. I doubt you'll have that problem with her. Enjoy what you have and best of luck :)
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