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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: do most guys think vaginas are kind of gross? bc my boyfriend mentioned it the other day (he said "gross" isn't really the right word - and he kinda regretted using the word gross because he realized it probably came across as way too harsh. plus he sucks at explaining things.) and said that almost every guy he knows is in the same boat. and i def. know it's not cuz he's gay or anything cause i've known him for a long time and plus he's grossed out by gayness almost to the point of being homophobic IMO which i think isn't very nice of him but w/e at least i know he's not gay ha. anyway, i said girls don't always think penises are exactly pretty either but i don't know many girls who'd go as far as to say "gross"; he said vaginas are different cuz they're just so much more complex and wrinkly and foldy etc. and just weird... he said it's nothing personal at all and i shouldn't feel weird about it cuz lots of guys think that and it's not a big deal but the vibe i got was that basically he ( and according to him, other guys too) think vaginas are kind of weird/gross/creepy yet they like them at the same time basically just for what they can do and how they feel etc... (like the guy in superbad who's like "have you ever looked at porn and seen a picture of just a vagina? not for me.") this just confuses me ha. i don't get how you can want to f*ck something you think is creepy. i think he was surprised when i didn't get what he was trying to say... like, maybe lots of guys think this, but i don't think many girls realize it if so (probably with good reason - that kind of just seems like a secret guys should keep to themselves IMO). and i can't really help but feel gross now cause i have something on me that he thinks is gross. he keeps saying that's not how it is at all but i don't really get how lol... now i'm scared i'm gonna feel weird whenever he fingers me/ goes down on me/ has sex with me cuz i'll constantly be worrying he's just doing it as a chore and not cuz he likes it since apparently vaginas are gross ha. can some guy explain this to me? is it normal for guys to be kinda grossed out/ weirded out by vaginas? and should i be worried that he's grossed out whenever he's doing something to me? or is it not as big of a deal as i'm making it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Jay Law  +, writes (22 April 2018):
I am sad to learn some women don't know or feel their bodies are the most beautiful "art of life" possible. I humbly hope by writing this a few women might change their minds about themselves, and instead search for affirmation that most men feel this way, and that it is true. Women are the most beautiful, delightful, loving and important beings in life.
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female
reader, webby1  +, writes (26 June 2011):
Caulk this up as another reason to not have sex with 12 year olds! (That is just an illustration.) Enjoying the genitals of the partner is an acquired taste like eating artichokes. Most kids don't like artichokes either. If a man or a woman has had sex for some period of time; what they think is 'beautiful' and 'ugly' change. Ask any guy who is sexually active and then has to go without for awhile whether or not the Vajj is 'beautiful' or 'ugly'. The more experienced man will probably say 'beautiful.'
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female
reader, smath +, writes (22 February 2009):
I've had this discussion with my boyfriend...I actually started it, because I said I think vaginas are kind of gross (and I have one!). But I think he's a little better at explaining things than your boyfriend seems to be, and what I got from it is that he thinks they're actually just weird and so much more complicated and mysterious than a penis. He said it's because with a penis you can see everything and it's really obvious, but with a vagina everything is sort of hidden. It kind of sounds like that's what your boyfriend was trying to say. I don't think he meant any offense or that he really thinks vaginas are "gross."
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Maybe he just chose the wrong words. I think it's a bit of a stupid thing to say, as i'm sure when he's in bed with a girl he'll forget all about it.
And anyway gays don't think that girls are disgusting and all that, so don't jump to that conclusion. My uncle'e gay, and i was hurt when you said that he was anti-gay, tell him to get used to it!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
 You can give him a little thump on the head from me to him for being such an idiot to actually say it. Then consider yourself lucky that you have a guy who will actually tell you what he's thinking about something. And finally, tell him to keep some stuff to himself from now on.
I know what you mean, you're going to feel all embarassed and ooky like he's really not that into it because of what he said. Personally, I would give him a chance to make it up to you. And I mean he would really have to spend some time making it up to you, a lot of time. And some special effort too. *ahem* *blushing*
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): it might just be a random thought. i peronally find feet disgusting but i love having mine massaged cause it feels good. like he finds them ugly to look at yet he likes how it feels.
another example, i hate the look of icecream (no idea why) but i love the taste.
its personal choice. when i look at my vagina i dont really think its that beautiful, in fact i think it looks rather like a werid alien. but it doesnt mean i dont like the pleasures it gives me.
dont take it to heart he was proberly trying to make a point. if he was "grossed" out by it so much he wouldnt be going down on you full stop. but as he is i wouldnt even worry about it.
:)
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female
reader, aunty_rach  +, writes (19 February 2009):
he just sounds like he is very inexperienced and does not have a clue about vagina's and how to make a girl feel good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): to answer your question tisha, no, we weren't like in the act or anything when it happened... we were just talking about sexual stuff & how we felt about different things & it just came out. i think he could tell he made a mistake right after he said it cuz i think he expected me to understand, like it was common knowledge kind of... he felt horrible afterward cause now he knows that comment made me feel gross & that wasn't his intent at all. i don't think he thought i'd take it personally but it's just hard for me to separate it. like i know he thinks i'm seriously like the most beautiful girl in the world ever pretty much but still it's just hard to shake.
but i like your explanation tisha i know what you mean like when i first saw a penis i was pretty weirded out but after a day i was like "okay big deal" and i didn't think it was gross but i'll admit genitals are pretty weird and even kind of funny, & sometimes in a way i guess even kind of gross... but i don't seriously think they're gross... i just think gross is bad word to try to explain it with lol.
but seriously my bf is the least assholish, most mature guy i've ever known, period, so i know he wasn't saying it to be a dick or anything... he can just be ridiculously oblivious sometimes and like i said before he's not the greatest at explaining stuff so i'm sure that's part of it too.
plus my curiosity got the better of me & started googling this whole thing and it seems like there are lots of straight guys who actually do think they're gross or at least weird... so maybe he was right about that. plus we're like best friends and have been for a long time even before we started dating so i kinda wonder if he thought he could like, explain this to me like one of the guys or something thinking i'd totally get what he was saying or something... but he was wrong lol. he's used to me understanding almost everything he says but i think he just kinda failed to realize that it's probably a horrible idea to tell that to your girlfriend, regardless of how close you are. like i think i kind of get it but at the same time i don't. cause i mentioned i'd probably feel a lil awkward now any time i'm naked around him cuz i'd be wondering if i was gross or w/e and he said that's totally not it at all and that i don't understand and now he feels really bad about accidentally putting this idea into my head... but i just don't think he gets how a girl's brain works on a matter like this ha. could anyone (preferably guys) tell me though if i should be worried about him being grossed out now when we're fooling around? or is it just something he wouldn't even be thinking about? it's just hard for me to understand
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 February 2009):
 Son to father: What does a vagina look like before sex dad?
Father: Like a beautiful rose bud moist with dew about to burst open.
Son: And what about after sex?
Father: Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayanoise?
Oh and homophobic and being gay are NOT exclusive. A hetero guy doesn't think much about gay men, why should he? Now gay girls, that is a topic for lengthy discussion and research!
Your guy sounds like an asshole. There are things you say and things you don't say no matter how you really feel about them. If he thinks vulva's are gross that is his problem, weird as it is. But to tell that to your girlfriend in that tone... if he is no longer say 12 then he really got to grow up.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 February 2009):
Okay, I have to ask, were you two just making idle conversation and this topic came up? Or were you two fooling around and he put his head down close to your vulva, took a long look and said "Ew, gross, creepy, weird!"?
Because it does kind of matter in which context he said it....
So my take on this (sorry, I'm not a guy, but I want to answer anyway) is that he was just being honest to a fault here. He probably chose the wrong words and regrets that now, as he realizes you're now deeply concerned that he finds your vagina unattractive.
I want to point out that he didn't actually use the words "ugly" or "unappealing" or "disgusting". He used the words "gross" and "weird" and "creepy" and that guys like them anyway. There's a big difference there, I have to point out.
Look, you have to admit that penises and vulvas are really kinda funny looking if you look at them long enough. Especially if you are looking only at the specific body part. I mean, take your ear or nose as an example. As part of your head, either part looks pretty good and completes the face. If either are missing, it looks really weird. But focus specifically on the nose, or the ear, and ignore the rest of the face and head. Just look for a long time at the ear or the nose. After a while, it begins to look kind of odd and strange, and then it can easily get to gross. I mean, come on, some yucky snotty things come out of the nose. And those teensy little hairs are really bizarre, and the inside is kinda red and squishy looking. And the ears, talk about odd folds! And the ear wax isn't exactly scrumptious either.
Do you see where I'm going here?
Another example, um, look at this word: discrete. Now write it down about 50 times. Really stare at it, really notice it. I'll wait.
Okay, didn't it start to look odd, kind of wrong, somehow? You know that it is correct and is a word but it started to look really strange.
So my guess is that he, like lots of guys, has spent a fair amount of time studying the female vulva. And if you look at it long enough, it goes from being really kind of interesting to being kind of strange. The thing itself hasn't changed, it's just the perception has subtly altered.
And come on, they really can be odd-looking, with all the folds and stuff. I didn't say they were ugly, now, did I? But they are fascinating and compelling, and you know what else? They are attractive, he finds them attractive, he just was focusing on the strangeness rather that the sheer perfection of them.
So cut him some slack, and accept that he doesn't think it's gross, he doesn't think you're gross. He just happened to point out the strangeness of the object using some emotionally loaded words. Let it go.
If you can't, maybe you can show him my answer and see if he agrees with what I wrote here. I have a feeling I'm closer to the way he's thinking than you are. You're just being overly sensitive and self-conscious at the moment.
Hope this helps! Remember, he thinks you are hot! Otherwise, he wouldn't be with you....
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): As you said he's crap at explaining things, some guys are grossed out by vaginas but he probably meant something more along the lines that they're strange in a mystery sense.
He sounds like he's inexperienced and just needs to get to know vaginas a little better (that sounds a bit strange hehe), there is nothing like them and as a guy when you first come across one they are quite fascinating if not a little strange.
I was only ever grossed out by one once and that was because of poor hygiene, other than that time I love them, all shapes and sizes of them, most guys think the same.
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (19 February 2009):
 I am really sorry but I could not stop laughing reading both the question and the answer. It is sooo hilarious. But a good innocent question nevertheless. I love it!
The question reminded me of a kid (that be your b/f) who does not like the color of somenice cream he was getting but loves the flavor of it .. and hence could not get enough of it. The person preparing the ice cream (that be you) for the kid gets a little confused because every time the kid goes up to receive the ice cream, his face goes all funny (grimace and everything) but then he starts right in eating it. This goes over and over again.
The anonymous aunt sounds like a real aunt indeed, scolding the kid. Love the comment about expecting a cup cake or flowers down there. It cracked me up completely.
But seriously, I think both of you have only recently emerged from your "juvenile" (in the biological term, not in legal term) phase of your life. Remember when you were small, when a kiss from a boy was considered sooo gross? LOL
Don't worry, pretty soon both of you will soon forget the "grossness" but instead will associate these sexual/reproductive organs as "pleasure zones". No longer the shape, color, etc etc matter by then. By that time, just the thought, or visualization of them will get your juices running! (pun not intended)
Cat
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female
reader, midgen  +, writes (19 February 2009):
i dont know any guy that thinks they are gross. you need a real man hunny.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): To be honest this guy sounds like a fool. I don't know about the guys he has for friends, either. Trust me, there are men out there who think vaginas are things of beauty and can't get enough. For him to tell you they are kind of "gross" is seriously immature. What does he expect down there? A cupcake? A flower? As he gets older, hopefully he'll realize that the best sex isn't sanitized and pretty like in porn and that girl's bits are not sugar coated for his enjoyment! As long as you keep good hygiene you really don't have to take nonsense like this from a guy who's a bit freaked out by your vagina. Tell him to be a man :) I think you should hold out a little until he remembers what exactly is so good about vaginas...
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