A
female
age
51-59,
*atheriner
writes:Should I call it quits?I know everyones answer will prob be yes straight away but here goes. I met my now second Husband in a bar May 2008 we had a lot in common he was charming and made me laugh. we both had children of the same age 3 and 5 and he was in the process of splitting with his ex. After six weeks the relationship was going strong he went back to his old house where his ex was to pick up some things and ended up accused of assault. Towards the beginning of the trial he admitted he had slept with his ex and I was confused. I forgave him. I found him kissing someone in a nightclub four weeks later, he cried and I foregave him. I get pregnant four months later. His ex would not let him see his kids so he says he can have nothing to do with mine. My children are kind to him and he blanks them or due to his ocd says they need to learn to sh** straight in the toilet or that my little girl is fat and i will give her diabetes from her having sweets. He will not go anywhere with us if my children are there even with his baby with us, he says the guilt on not seeing his kids is too much but he will go out with the baby and I. He constantly lied to me during my pegnancy about going to his ex's house even though i said i understood he needed to see his kids. I found a letter to her from him saying he missed her and the kids. he said it was a ploy to see the kids. There were texts with kisses on and thirteen phone calls a day between them until she called a halt on it. He is now back in touch to try and see his kids, he wont go to court for custody as he says he is worried she will accuse him of abuse. I lost my job due to stress when pregnant, he said he would loan me money whilst unemployed. My children he insists he cannot mix with as he cant change his mindset until he sees his but as he wont go to court he is at his ex's beck and call and she will never let them see me. Since my last post I was fighting to save us to get him to take action to see his kids properly. He started going out at night not caring what I thought one dayI came home to find a reciept in his wallet he had rented a property. he said he was worried i would say go and he had no where to leave I was furious as I felt he had taken the easy way out. He said he wanted to work on us. He has not stayed in that house at all. One day his ex rung up saying he could not see the kids as someone told her we had not split up. He said he had not told her that. I went on to sell my house and move to a rented property with my kids they are much happier I am doing things with them regardless. He dores talk to them more but they are hardly here when he is. He has said he will come on holiday but I have sais it has to be with the kids he has agreed to that although I suspect its out of being forced rather than choice. He is coming with us sometimes. He has his house never stays at it and uses my house as his base. He has let his ex think we have split up. I find this hurtful as I feel that if it is her wish for me to stay away from the kids that should be enough. He should be truthful about us to her otherwise she will never get used to the situation.He introduced me and our baby their step brother to the kids without her knowing I thought he has asked her she went mad and rung him whilst I was there he said while I was there yes I have split with her she was only there because the baby is young I felt immensley hurt I had bought chocolates to meke the kids feel at home played with them and thought he had asked her but I get the blame. He still claims a reduction inm maintenance payments for my kids which you only get if you live with them. He said his ex told the authorities we had split up and he would no longer get the discount he said could I say I get payments for the baby. He then hoped I would say I dont want them so he would be better off than the reduction he used to get. I said pay the money into an account for the baby as he gives me nothing I now have to pay full household bills based on a two day a week job thats commsiion based and pay childcare. He rung the authorities and said we had seperate houses but only so he can see his kids and he pays for things for my kids so he still get the discount he does nothing of the sort. My baby is nine months old soon he will see his Daddy going off and wonder why he cant be included.I am struggling I feel angry and abandoned. He is here all time so not abandoned in that sense but financially I am a single mum he is only concerned with his finances. I hate that his ex thinks we are separate what purpose does that serve am I unfair to expect him to be honest about that? I dont expect to be part of the childrens life if that is her wishes but why should I have to lie? I have not told my family that he stays over my Dad saw me go through hell the past two years and thinks I am better off without. I know I prob am. I have protected my kids but I feel sad still. I dont know if I expect too much is he is giving me all he can? I just want a normal family life without feeling insecure as to whats going on help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): you have protected your kids? you moved that ass in with you. you are feeling angry and abandoned because you are.. you should listen to your father. He knows a first class POS when he sees one. You on the other hand cannot see what your doing to your children.. just how much evidence do you need my dear? read back through your posts.. what you need is a dose of reality. you are inlove with a man you want him to be NOT the POS he is. you cant change that.. get that man out of your life already. Do you care that your children will grow to imitate what they see? Its better to have no man at all than to have that in your house. You seem smart, intelligent and kind so for the life of me i cant even comprehend why you would think you deserve to be treated (not to mention your children) in this way.
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 Should you call it quits, dear if you were to sit down and read to yourself what you wrote over and over again you will get your answer.
Personally I will tell you that your children only have you for support and you should not allow this behavior around them. Your kids might grow up and have a grudge on you for choosing this man over them. This is your decision and choice but are you really giving your children a choice. To be able to live life where they feel accepted. I feel you have to put your children first or at least till they grow and learn how to fend for themselves. Your priority should be your kids.
I must add that you need to value yourself more and have a little more self esteem so that you can realize you don't have to tolerate this man. You can make it on your own and become an independent women so you don't have to rely on any man and especially man that openly reject your children.
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